


Not An Angel

by AngelsFallFirst



Series: IWEMA/NAA/HYIMA [2]
Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 42,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4929217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When she found out, she was happy. But then she found out the whole truth.</p><p>[CAUTION!<br/>Part 2 of "If We Ever Meet Again!]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello!  
> Before you start reading, please take a minute of your time to read this, first.  
> I needed to say thank you, because my last stories were/are such a big success.  
> I'm talking about Romanticide and If We Ever Meet Again!  
> IWEMA is done now, and I decided to write a second part. Why?  
> Because IWEMA ended really sad and I just can't let my OTP go like that.  
> So please read IWEMA, before you start with this story.  
> If you can't remember the plot:  
> 10 years after Tarja got fired from Nightwish she visited her mother in Kitee and coincidentally met Tuomas, who told her that he was engaged to Johanna. Tuomas and Tarja came closer again, so close that they slept with each other in the end.  
> Tarja left him though and Tuomas married Johanna.  
> Sob party.  
> Next, I have a special cover for this story, BUT I won't publish it now, because it tells like the main plot of the story xD I'll put it in after chapter 1. So current cover is just an transitional cover.  
> And last, I know that Tarja's mother is dead. When I wrote part 1 I didn't know it yet :/  
> So I won't change it ... I will pretend that she's still alive.  
> And now ... You can start reading.  
> Have fun!  
> xoxo  
> Rena

'It started harmless. It went worse.  
When I didn't get my period in February, I didn't really think about it. But then it just stayed away in March as well ... And I went to the pharmacy.  
I combined it with the last time and it couldn't be possible.  
When I was pregnant with Naomi, I vomited every morning. The morning sickness had been unbearable. But this time I didn't even feel sick.  
I bought a pregnancy test anyway. And I waited for another week. I had to be sure.  
I didn't want to buy another test.  
And after a week I made it and it was positive. I didn't tell Marcelo immediately, I've already lost a baby once, not a week after I've told him. This time I needed to be sure that it was healthy, before I'd tell someone.  
So I made an appointment with my gynecologist and he told me I could see him the next day.  
The checkup went fine, the baby was okay. So, I was really pregnant.  
I made another appointment in two weeks, where the doctor could tell me more with an ultrasound.  
And I went home straightly to tell Marcelo and Naomi.  
And boy, they were happy! Marcelo almost started to cry and he lifted me up to kiss me, which made me understand why I chose him, once more.  
And I didn't think of Tuomas again. Until ...'

 

April 22nd, 2016

"Hello again, Mrs Turunen", Dr. Hernandez gave Tarja his hand, shaking it. "How are you? And how's the baby?"  
"Baby fine, mother fine", Tarja replied and stroke her still flat belly. "And that's the happy daddy."  
"Happy indeed", Marcelo said and shook hands with Dr. Hernandez. "Marcelo Cabuli."  
"Well, congratulations!", the doctor said. "A beautiful and happy family. Where is your little one?"  
"Kindergarten", Tarja said. "I didn't think she needs to see that."  
"Alright, let's start with the ultrasound, then?", the doctor asked and Tarja nodded. She peeled off her blouse and laid down at the couch. She couldn't believe she was pregnant again. It was weird because she was getting 39 in a few months, but it made her happy.  
The doctor put the cold acoustic gel on her stomach and soon a picture was seen on the screen.  
"Is it there? I can't see it", Marcelo said and the doctor pointed at a little thing on the screen.  
"That's it. That's your baby."  
"It's so tiny", Marcelo whispered.  
"You're in week eleven, so it's about four centimeters", Dr. Hernandez told them.  
While Tarja beamed up to her husband, he was staring at the screen. "Four centimeters!", Tarja whispered. "Four!"  
"Eleven weeks?", Marcelo asked lowly. "Didn't you mean ... Nine? Maybe?"  
"Nine?" The doctor shook his head. "Rather twelve than ten, to be honest. No, I'm sure about this. Your wife is in the eleventh week of pregnancy."  
"Then I can't be the father", Marcelo said dryly. "Tarja, twelve weeks ago you came back from Finland. And two weeks after that we saw us for the first time since new year's eve."  
Tarja didn't say a word. Her heart had sunken into her stomach.  
Eleven weeks.  
In her mind she counted, and really - the date of the impregnation fell back to the end of January/beginning of February.  
Tuomas was the father.  
Without a doubt.

He didn't say a word during the whole drive. And when they arrived were at home, he just asked, "Who?"  
"Who what?", Tarja asked lamely.  
"Well, with whom did you cheat on me?" Tarja looked to the floor. "Answer me, Tarja!", he shouted.  
"I ... I can't remember!", Tarja lied. "I was drunk ..."  
"You were drunk??", Marcelo asked shocked. "And you cheated on me! Who are you?"  
Tarja cried quietly and Marcelo sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?", he suddenly asked gently and embraced her. "You know how I am. You know you can tell me everything."  
"I'm sorry, I couldn't even remember I cheated on you", Tarja whispered. She lied. She lied again, as she had lied about being at Tuomas' and Johanna's beautiful wedding. About that she couldn't remember with whom she had slept.  
"It's okay", Marcelo mumbled. He was hurt, but he didn't show it. "You would have told me, if you remembered, am I right?"  
"Of course", Tarja said and hugged her husband. "Will you forgive me?"  
"I will, because I love you and I don't want to lose you. And the baby ... I will love it as if it was my own."

 

About a month later

The bad conscience ate Tarja. Her husband had forgiven her and was nicer and more caring than ever. Her fans had already heard of her pregnancy and everyday she received more flowers, cards and messages via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and so on.  
But one thing she never received:  
Congratulations from Tuomas and Johanna. No mail. No letter. Nothing.  
Tarja had quite a baby bump already for being only in the fifteenth week. It was a 'quiet' pregnancy, if one could say so. Tarja never felt sick or moody, the only thing that had changed was her diet. She ate all day long.  
She hadn't visited the doctor once again, she was too much afraid that he could say something about her cheat on Marcelo. Her husband told her everyday to make an appointment, but Tarja declined, telling him, that the baby was alright.  
And oh, how she loved that baby.  
It was Tuomas' baby, a cute little creation of their passionate love-making four months ago.  
A perfect mix of him and her, a reminder of the feelings they shared that night.  
And yet, the bad conscience ate her. So one day, on a beautiful day in May, she finally told her husband the whole truth.

 

May 20th, 2016

It was a rarely warm day in Kitee. Tuomas approached the yellow house of him and his wife, smiling to himself. The week had been really successful. They were working on a new album and this time almost everything was different. First, Floor had joined in writing the songs and boy, that woman had a great fantasy. He never regretted accepting her in the band. And then - Jukka was back!  
He had called him three weeks ago and told him, as soon as they would start with the new album, he would be back.  
"Tuo!", his wife called as soon as she saw him.  
The redhead was enjoying the sun in her face, a Harry Potter book in her hands.  
"Hi, baby", Tuomas greeted her and kissed her. "How was your week?"  
"Boring without you", Johanna sighed. "I can't believe you'll be gone every week for five days now ..."  
"That's going to be hard indeed", Tuomas sighed and hugged the younger woman. "I missed you so terribly."  
"I missed you too", Johanna said with a light pout, but then she smiled. "And how was your week?"  
"Simply brilliant!", Tuomas called. "Johanna - Jukka is back!"  
"Oh, thank god!", Johanna said. "Is he okay??"  
"He says so", Tuomas said smiling and kissed his wife again. "I'm hungry", he said.  
"Eh, I made noodles", Johanna said and closed the book (Tuomas saw with a smile that it was Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban, his favorite book). "Come inside." And she walked inside with her hips swaying so erotically, that Tuomas forget about his craving for food.  
As soon as he had closed the door, he grabbed her wrist, pulled her close and locked their lips.  
Johanna slung her arms around his neck as she kissed his back, longing, wildly, passionate. Secret cyber sex (he had to hide in the bathroom, so the guys or Floor wouldn't find him) just wasn't enough, for none of them.  
Their tongues were fighting for dominance and soon the black haired man had lifted the slim woman into his arms, his hands on her buttcheeks, kneading them fiercely.  
The woman's slim fingers were unbuttoning his shirt and soon it fell to the floor, her blouse following. Tuomas sat her down at the back of the couch and tugged down her trousers. "God, I missed this", he groaned while he nipped the skin of her throat. "Feeling your body against me ... Not just seeing you through the webcam ... I sometimes had to continue our conversions ..."  
"Alone?", Johanna moaned and laughed as Tuomas stared at her shocked.  
"Of course!", he exclaimed. "Or do you think I would cheat on you??" Before she could answer, he crashed his lips against hers again. He tried to forget about that night everyday, but Tarja's letter in his songbook reminded him of it everyday.  
He parted her legs and kissed her fiercely while Johanna traveled down her hands, down to his trousers to open them.  
But before she even touched the button, the doorbell rang loudly.  
The couple jumped apart and Johanna immediately grabbed her blouse. "Open", she groaned. "Let's do this later, maybe it's important."  
Tuomas didn't care about his shirt, only in his trousers he went to the door. "Don't worry, baby, I will get rid of him and then I will take you in every cardinal direction."  
But as he opened the door, he instantly changed his mind.  
It was no one else than ...  
"Tarja", Tuomuas whispered.  
She looked gorgeous.  
And sad ... She looked down, and as if she hadn't slept for days because she had to cry so much.  
"Hi, Tuomas", Tarja mumbled and her gaze traveled over Tuomas' naked upper body and stayed on the floor.  
She was clenching a bag over her stomach.  
"Are you ... okay?", Tuomas asked lowly. She looked shattered.  
"I need your help", Tarja whispered.  
"Sure, come in!", Tuomas said and stepped aside to let the woman enter. She was still pressing her bag against her body, as she passed him and Tuomas took his time to look at her closer.  
Something was up with her ...  
First, she was wearing a thick, un-Tarja-like jacket. It was too hot outside to wear such a jacket! Second, she had been wearing sunglasses, which were now tugged up on her head. And third, she wore the worst frown that he had ever seen on her.  
The bags under her eyes were huge and her eyes were puffy and swollen.  
"What's up, Tarja?", Tuomas asked. "How can I help you?"  
"I ... I need a home. For a few days", Tarja whispered. "Can I stay?"  
"Sure!", Tuomas said and Tarja smiled lightly. "Thanks ... May Naomi stay too? She's waiting in the taxi ..."  
"Tarja, what -", Tuomas started, but he got interrupted by a scream.  
"TARJA!", Johanna exclaimed and Tarja let her bag fall down as the redhead frightened her. "What are you doing here??" The younger woman asked happily and hugged Tarja tightly, the dark woman still wore a frown, though.  
"May her and Naomi live here for a few days?", Tuomas asked his wife.  
"Of course!", Johanna said, now studying the dark haired woman's face. "Are you okay?"  
"No", Tarja simply answered.  
"You were crying", Tuomas mumbled, avoiding her look.  
Tarja avoided his look as well. "I've been crying for a week already, and I still do. Marcelo threw me out."  
"WHAT?!", Tuomas yelled and Tarja gasped, suddenly clenching the fabric of her jacket that was closed over her stomach.  
"He threw you out??", Johanna asked shocked. "What? Why?"  
Tears were now streaming down her cheeks as Tarja slowly opened her jacket.  
And revealed a small but visible baby bump.  
"Oh my god!", Johanna screamed. "Congratulations!!"  
So, Tarja was pregnant.  
Tuomas couldn't deny that his heart was breaking.  
But - why had Marcelo thrown her out?  
"Why would he throw out his pregnant wife?", he asked quietly and Johanna nodded.  
"I was just asking myself the same question."  
"Why Marcelo would throw me out?", Tarja said with a sad smile. "Maybe because the baby is not his ..."  
For a minute no one said a word.  
Johanna was too afraid of saying something and Tuomas didn't know what to do.  
The baby was his.  
He knew it was his.  
Who's should it be, if not his? Tarja had only slept with him besides Marcelo, or not?  
Tuomas' heart was beating as he searched for Tarja's gaze, but she stared at the floor. So he simply looked at her bump ...  
He could feel his heart beating in his throat.  
Beneath that skin there's my baby growing.  
"So ...", Johanna carefully broke the silence. "Who's baby is it, then?"  
"I can't remember", Tarja lied, still avoiding Tuomas' look.  
And now Tuomas knew for sure - she was pregnant with his baby.  
It's no imagination. I'll be a father. And the mother will be no one else than Tarja Turunen ...  
His heart made somersaults when he thought about it, but how should he tell Johanna?  
"You ... You can't remember?", Johanna said. "Wow ... Must have been quite a party, huh? So you can't remember with whom you slept besides your husband?"  
Tarja shrugged. "I can't remember anything, Johanna", she lied again. "But it's not Marcelo's, that I know."  
Tarja's heart ached.  
Tuomas hadn't told his ... wife about their night. She could slap herself as she remembered that she had told him so in the letter - tell her if you want to, don't tell her if you don't want to.  
Would he tell her now?  
And if not, how was he suppost to help her then? How could he accept to help her the way that Tarja had planned?


	2. Chapter 2

May 20th 2016

"Are you happy to be back?", the redhead asked the small girl, who nodded.  
"Very. I missed you and Tuo, even though I miss daddy now. Very much."  
"Oh, sweetie", Johanna sighed and took the little girl's hand. Tarja's eyes hung on their hands, feeling as if someone would tear her heart apart.  
Absently minded she caressed her belly, thinking about her flight again. Soon her husband would come home and see that she was gone ... And that she had taken their daughter ...  
Tarja let her head sink down and looked at her baby bump gently. She loved that baby, she could never abort it ...  
"How are you?"  
Tarja lifted her head up and her eyes met Tuomas'. His words had been quiet and gentle, and though Johanna had definitely heard him, she didn't look at them.  
"I'm stressed", Tarja said honestly. She decided not to keep anything from them. "I hate myself for leaving and I regret sleeping with that man."  
She could see the hurt in the man's eyes and instantly felt guilty.  
"Wait, didn't you say he threw you out?", Johanna suddenly said.  
"Okay ... I lied", Tarja sighed. "He didn't exactly throw me out but he wanted to ... When I told him that the baby wasn't his, he told me I could decide. One thing, I could abort the baby and stay." Johanna gasped. "And second, I could leave, but alone. Without Naomi ..."  
"He ... He wanted you to abort the baby??", Johanna whispered. "What a bastart!"  
"Exactly", Tuomas said roughly. Tarja could hear the bitterness in his voice and saw how his fists clenched.  
"And how did you manage to take Naomi with you?", Johanna asked.  
"I told him a week ago that I had an appointment for an abortion ... He believed me, so he felt safe to go away for two days. And I grabbed Namu and well, here we are."  
Tuomas and Johanna exchanged a quick look and then Johanna took Tarja's hand. "You can stay as long as you want", she said, while Tuomas nodded stiffly.  
"Thank you", Tarja said with a smile.  
"Can we play something, Jo?", Naomi suddenly asked.  
"Oh, she has a nickname for you", Tarja said with a smile, remembering the time her daughter had called Floor "Flo".  
"Sure, sweetie", Johanna said and stood up. "Come with me, let's check what we have. I think I have a few games that my nephew left last time he visited me."  
The little girl went with the red haired woman, leaving Tarja and Tuomas alone.  
For a minute no one said a word.  
But then Tuomas couldn't hold it anymore.   
"Is it mine?", he whispered and Tarja stared at him, deeply offended.  
"Of course it's yours!", she said emphatically. "Or do you think I'm fornicating??"  
"Of course not", Tuomas quickly said. His heart was beating. The baby was his, it was his, no doubt. "But ... Do you know what that means?" He suddenly smiled.  
"That I'm a whore?", Tarja said bitterly and Tuomas shook his head.  
"We're becoming parents", he whispered.  
"Oh Tuo", Tarja said sadly. "I don't think I will keep the baby ... I mean, I'll get it but I have to give it away."  
Again it was quiet for a few minutes, then Tuomas shook his head again. "Why?", he asked hoarsely.  
"I don't have time to raise two kids on my own", Tarja answered. "As you know, I'm alone."  
"You're not alone, Tarja, you have me ... Please give me a chance", Tuomas begged.  
Tarja heard her daughter's giggles from the next room. "Did you tell her?", she asked quietly.  
"Johanna? No ... I couldn't."  
"Marcelo found out that I cheated on him. The doctor told us in which week I was and he immediately knew ... For a month he thought I had no idea who's baby it is but two weeks ago I told him ... And then he made me choose."  
"Bastard", Tuomas said lowly. "I always knew he wasn't the right choice for you. But Tarja, there is no reason to give your ... our ... baby away."  
Our baby.  
Tarja's heart stood still for a moment.   
Their baby ...  
Tuomas took Tarja's hand and squeezed it. "You need help, Tari, and you'll get help. It's my baby, what father would I be not to support the woman I love?"  
"You still love me?", Tarja mumbled.  
"Why wouldn't I?", Tuomas asked and suddenly he was on his knees, holding Tarja's hands and locking their eyes. "You were my first love, how could I ever forget you? Then again, how could I stop loving you after that night?"  
"Maybe because I wasn't good?", Tarja guessed and couldn't suppress a smile.  
"Not good?", Tuomas asked shocked. "Don't underestimate yourself, you were excellent! But this doesn't matter, I've always loved you and I will do forever." He took his hands out of hers and laid it on her swollen belly. "And I love our baby."  
Tarja could hide how happy she was for the support she was getting from her first love. She was smiling as she laid his hands over his, caressing her baby bump with his help.  
But then it happened, he put one hand in her neck and pulled her down.  
Tarja swallowed as she let him, she observed him closing his eyes ...  
And when their faces were so close that she could feel his breath on her skin, she pushed him away. "You're married", she said. "Don't cheat on her again, she's perfect for you." It hurt Tarja, saying that.  
"You told me in the letter", Tuomas said. "But I don't think so ... I love you, please let me show you ..."  
"You already showed me", Tarja said with a grimace. "Twice. And I told you, I could feel it ... But yet, you married her."  
"Because you told me to!", Tuomas said helplessly. "What's wrong with you women? You have no idea what you want! You tell me you love me, then you leave me. Then you come back and want my help but you want to give the baby away -"  
Tarja turned her head away. "I wanted to give it to you and Johanna", she whispered.  
"Are you crazy?", Tuomas mumbled and stood up. "Don't give it away, Tarja ... I told you, I'll help you. Well be perfect parents ..."  
Tarja shook her head. "Stop it", she pleaded. "I can't keep it and it's your baby as well, so you'll be the right one to adopt it. I'll talk to your wife later."  
Your wife.  
It hurt Tarja to say this and it hurt Tuomas to hear this out of her mouth.  
He opened his mouth to ask her to marry him and raise their baby together, but he decided not to dare this. He had been married for four months now, he couldn't divorce. And Tarja, she was also still married, or wasn't she?  
"Tarja -", Tuomas began, but Tarja shook her head.  
"I won't take no as an answer."  
Tuomas hesitated but then he sighed. "Johanna wants a baby but we haven't succeeded yet. Maybe she can't get pregnant, so this will be our only chance ..."  
"Great", Tarja said, rubbing her belly. "Shall we talk to her now?"  
Tuomas nodded slowly. "It hurts, Tarja ...", he mumbled.  
"I know", Tarja whispered and took his hand.  
"I want to raise this baby with you ..."  
"Tuo ..."  
They looked at each other. Tarja's heart ached, why had she told him to marry Johanna? Truth be told, she needed him in her life now. But how could she have known when she wrote the letter? How could she have known that the anti-baby-pill had given up working this night?  
"I also still love you", she whispered. "But we should focus on the important thing right now ..."  
Tuomas' heart had stopped beating for a moment when she told him that she still loved him. "Okay. Let's focus on our baby."  
"Please don't say our baby", Tarja whispered. "I don't want anyone to find out. If that gets public, we're screwed! Imagine the headline, Ex-Nightwish singer pregnant from a wild night with Nighwish's keyboarder."  
Tuomas laughed. "Wild night? How would they know?"  
Now Tarja laughed as well. "Well, we're a Leo and a Capricorn ... That almost screams wild night."  
Tuomas smiled at Tarja. It was so good to see her laugh, after she had told him she had been crying for a week.  
"What?", Tarja asked as she noticed Tuomas' soft look on her.  
"Nothing ... I just wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh." Tarja giggled as she noticed the lines. "I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away."  
"Stop that already", Tarja said. "That's from a song. And not even one of yours."  
"Dammit", Tuomas said. "I thought you didn't know that song."  
"Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome", Tarja started to sing. "And I don't feel right when you're gone away."  
"That's how I felt during the last months", Tuomas whispered. "And years ..."  
Tarja swallowed. Again her bad conscience ate her. Why did she ever leave him? She had never stopped loving him. There had been so many times he had screamed at her, almost hurt her, when she told him she couldn't sing. One time she had broken together crying, she had laid on the floor, not able to sing. He had told her to whether sing or cry and sing, told her he didn't care about that she couldn't reach that high notes, she wanted to be a singer after all, she should practise to reach that notes. She wasn't a singer without training.  
Not even during that time she had stopped loving him, and maybe it had only hurt so much to hear him talk like that because she had loved him so much.  
"Can I do something for you?", Tuomas asked as she didn't say something.  
"Not really ... I think I will sleep a little. I didn't really sleep in the last two weeks."  
"Shall we have an eye on Naomi while you're resting?", Tuomas asked.  
"That would be great", Tarja said with a smile. "Thank you so much for not throwing me out."  
"I would never throw the mother of my baby out", Tuomas said lowly and led her to the guest room. "Oh, I see Johanna already brought your luggage inside."  
"She's an angel", Tarja said, adding in her mind, The perfect mother for our baby.  
"But she's not you", Tuomas whispered without looking at her.  
Tarja said nothing, without caring that Tuomas was inside, she stripped off her T-shirt. Why should she care anyway? He had already seen her naked for a whole night.  
Tuomas observed her moves closely. They were so slow and soft ... And when she got rid if her shirt, he wasn't able to breathe anymore.  
There's my baby. Beneath that skin my baby is waiting to come out, he thought. His eyes were drawn to the bump that carried his child.  
Meanwhile Tarja peeled off her trousers. She was only in her underwear now, and Tuomas swallowed hard.  
When she had been naked that night he had thought she was the most beautiful creature on this earth and that she couldn't get more beautiful - but he had changed his mind this moment. Now she couldn't get more beautiful, in this very moment she was the most beautiful creature in the whole universe.  
Because she was pregnant with his child.  
"Wow", Tuomas breathed and watched Tarja crawl into her bed. "Can I join?"  
"Jerk", Tarja mumbled and pulled the blanket up to her chin. "Go and talk to Johanna."  
Tuomas wanted to scream "NO!", he wanted to tell her that he would divorce his wife and marry her, tell her that he would stay with her.  
But, as he had done months ago when he had married Johanna because Tarja had told him so, he only nodded and left the guest room to go and talk to his wife.

 

\---

[Song reference: "Broken" by Seether and Amy Lee]


	3. Chapter 3

Tuomas entered the living room, his heart both growing and clenching in pain as he saw his wife interact with his first love's daughter.  
"Look who's there", Johanna said as she spotted her husband. "Uncle Tuo ..."  
"Hi Tuo!", the girl said giddily and then a long and quick Spanish sentence.  
"What did she say?", Tuomas asked and sat down on the floor, next to his wife and the little child.  
"That she's happy to be here with her mommy. She likes us."  
"I'm glad", Tuomas said with a soft smile. "Listen, Johanna ... I had a little talk with Tarja."  
"Oh ... You don't look so happy, to be honest", Johanna said gently. "Is she alright? Is the baby okay?"  
"Both Tarja and the baby are fine", Tuomas answered and took his wife's hand. "I did something ..."  
"What?", Johanna whispered, while Naomi stroke her long, red hair, quietly singing a song the adults didn't recognise.  
"I promised her to adopt the baby", Tuomas' whispered back and Johanna ripped her eyes open.  
"Adopt??"  
"She wants to give it away", Tuomas said. "And she wants to give it to someone she knows and trusts. She told me she thought of you and me ... So I accepted."  
Johanna didn't answer and Tuomas sighed.  
"I can tell her you don't want to", Tuomas offered. "She said, only if you want. She will understand if you rather want to get your own baby -"  
"I'm infertile", Johanna suddenly blurted out and Tuomas froze.  
"What?"  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you", Johanna said quietly, her eyes on the floor. "I couldn't ... I couldn't tell you yet. I thought you'd leave me ..."  
"But Johanna", Tuomas said. Though his wife had just told him something shocking and unexpected, he felt somehow relieved. He wondered why. "Why would I leave you?"  
"Because I know you wanted a baby", Johanna said, also relieved. She had feared the day she would finally tell him.  
"Yes, I want a baby, but you should have told me earlier", he said and took his wife's hand. "We would have found a way ..."  
"You did", Johanna suddenly said. "You found a way."  
"So we'll adopt Tarja's baby?", Tuomas asked and Johanna nodded.  
Tuomas' heart stopped beating for a moment, as he noticed that he couldn't raise a baby with Johanna that was his but not hers.  
He couldn't raise a baby, knowing it was his and knowing that Johanna didn't know it was his.  
No, he couldn't raise a baby with her without telling her that it was his!  
Tuomas suddenly felt tired. What a day ...  
Tarja was back. Tarja was pregnant. From him ... She had left her husband. And Johanna had agreed to adopt his and Tarja's baby, without knowing, though, who the father was.  
"Are you okay?", Johanna asked gently. "You look as if you had a terrible headache."  
"It's just a little too much for me", Tuomas admitted. "I'll make the noodles warm."  
"You should cook something for us five", Johanna said.  
"Five?", Tuomas asked and then he remembered. "Oh - the baby."  
"Our baby", Johanna said with a broad smile and Tuomas forced himself to smile back.  
Oh great, he thought. Now I'll finally be a daddy and then my baby will have two mothers.  
He shook his head and opened his wife's sacred recipe book, pulling out a recipe for lasagne. He decided to leave the cheese away as he remembered that pasteurised cheese wasn't good for pregnant women.

Tarja awoke as someone shook her gently. She opened her eyes and looked right in Tuomas' blue ones. Smiling she sat up and stretched her body. As she did so, the blanket fell off of her upper body and revealed her half naked, pregnant figure.  
Tuomas laid his hand on her waist without thinking and caressed her skin, drawing his fingers along the tight skin over her swollen belly.  
Tarja smiled and put her hand over his, as she had done before.  
"Thank you", he whispered. "Thank you for giving a present like this to me."  
Tarja looked at him sadly. "I still wish we hadn't done this", she sighed and Tuomas shook his head.  
"It's too late to change destiny", he said gently and took her hands. "Now I can only say thank you ..."  
He pulled his gaze away from her belly and looked into her eyes.  
"The child will be born again", he whispered. "That siren carried him to me ..."  
"Now all the texts make sense", Tarja sighed. "I was always the siren, right? And you were always the wolf."  
Tuomas nodded softly.  
"Are you hungry?", he asked and squeezed her hands.  
"I'm always hungry", Tarja chuckled, and without thinking again, Tuomas leaned in. He pressed a short and quick kiss on her lips, but it left her speechless.  
"Thank you", he whispered again. "The food's done in five minutes."  
Tarja only nodded, not knowing what to think of that kiss. Slowly she noticed that nothing if that was right.  
She wasn't supposed to be here, she wasn't supposed to destroy his love life like that.  
She looked after Tuomas with a depressed look. "Wait", she called and Tuomas turned around. "Did you talk to Johanna?"  
Tuomas nodded in reply. "I did. We will take the baby."  
"Good", Tarja breathed, her heart clenching. She knew she had to leave them.  
After she'd have given birth to the baby and given it to them, she would have to go and leave them alone. Never see the baby again. Never see Tuomas again ...

She sat down at the table almost ten minutes later.  
"Where have you been?", Naomi asked.  
"I've been sleeping, hun", Tarja answered. "You know I'm pregnant, I need a little peace."  
"You don't have to worry about me while you're sleeping", Naomi said. "Jo is my new best friend."  
"Awww", Johanna said happily while Tuomas remained quiet (he didn't understand a single word). He just put the lasagne on the table and short after that, everyone was eating.  
"Thanks for doing that, by the way", Tarja suddenly said, back to Finnish.  
Johanna immediately knew what she was talking about.  
"Why shouldn't we?", she said gently. "But Tarja, we have to talk about a lot, first."  
Tarja nodded. "Oh, and thanks for leaving away the cheese", she quickly added. "Now ask what you want to know."  
"That was Tuo, he made the lasagne", Johanna answered and Tarja's mouth fell open. But before she could say something, Johanna had already asked her first question.  
"When's the date of the birth? Do you know the gender, yet? Why did you choose us as parents?"  
Tarja smiled at the giddy redhead gently, as she answered. "I don't know, no, because I trust you."  
"Wait - you don't know the date of the birth?", Tuomas interrupted.  
"I've only been to the doctor once", Tarja said and Tuomas groaned.  
"Are you crazy?? Why??"  
"Because my gynecologist told my husband that I cheated on him", Tarja said with a pout and Tuomas looked at his wife.  
"Quick, make an appointment", he said and Johanna pulled out her phone, already dialling.  
"I have an amazing gynecologist", Johanna said, waiting for her doctor to pick up. "You will love her. - Hello? Dr. Kettonen? Johanna Holopainen here. We have an emergency."  
Johanna Holopainen ...  
Tarja bit back the tears that welled up in her eyes. With one ear she listened to Johanna as she explained the situation to Dr. Kettonen, making an appointment for next Friday.  
And also Tuomas didn't listen to his wife, his eyes were only on Tarja. She had tears in her eyes ...  
Tuomas felt so bad. Why had he done this to her? He had destroyed her life. She was strong enough not to show, but he knew it destroyed her internally. She looked so strong, but she was so delicate ...  
He needed to help her somehow ...

In the evening, Tarja called her mother. Marjatta Turunen answered immediately, as she saw who called.  
"Tarja! Is everything alright?"  
"I'm fine", Tarja answered, but her mother sensed that she wasn't fine at all.  
"Why are you calling me? Is the baby okay?"  
"It's okay", Tarja answered. "I'm in Helsinki."  
"Why?", Marjatta asked.  
Tarja closed her eyes.  
The reaction of her mother as she told her about the pregnancy had been following:  
"Ha! I told you so! I told you you could get another baby!"  
But that had been the last time she had talked to her.  
"Mommy, do you have time? I will visit you next week ... We need to talk ..."  
"Sure, sweetie", Marjatta said gently. Tarja had called her "Mommy", something was completely wrong here.  
"Great", Tarja said, tears running down her cheeks. "It's really important ... I really need your help."  
"Okay, let me see - what about Tuesday?"  
"That's fine", Tarja said. "Love you, Mommy."  
"I love you too, baby", Marjatta said, her heart clenching. She felt that something bothered her daughter ...  
The women hung up and Tarja let the tears flow. She buried her face in the pillow and started sobbing ...

"Poor her", Johanna sighed and wrapped her arm around Tuomas. "I know that this is not easy for her ..."  
"That she had to leave Marcelo?", Tuomas asked and Johanna nodded.  
"And everything else. That she cheated on him. That she's pregnant with an unwanted child. That she has to give it away ..."  
Tuomas nodded, but remained quiet.  
Unwanted child ...  
She was right, the baby wasn't planned. But it hurt so much to hear this ... That it was unwanted.  
"Next, she also knows that she can't stay here until the baby is born", Johanna went on, and now Tuomas looked at her.  
"She can't?", he asked.  
"Of course not", Johanna said. "We're married and we won't stop doing routine ... things only because she's here! And I don't feel comfortable, knowing she can hear us when we talk next to her room. Or do other things! Then, you'll be gone from Monday to Friday - I can't take care of a pregnant woman and a child! She has to move out in at latest a month."  
"But she can't move out with Naomi alone", Tuomas said. "She will be even more helpless."  
"We'll find a way", Johanna said. "But I don't want them to live here."  
"But Johanna - the baby is going to be ours ...", he tried helplessly.  
"I know but Tarja ... Listen, I like her and I really hope that we're going to be friends. But this is too much ... We have only one bathroom, only one toilet and I don't want to cook for so many persons every day! We will never can talk in private, she will always listen to us, she will always hear us when we have sex - I don't want her to move far away, Tuo. Only out of the house."  
Tuomas only nodded.  
"Okay, we'll talk to her about that", he said hoarsely.  
Tarja, in the next room, sobbed even more when she heard them talking about this.  
She knew that she had to leave, she completely understood the reasons. She wouldn't think differently, yet it hurt her. She blamed it on the pregnancy hormones, they made her cry because of the stupidest things. A month ago she hadn't found some specific food in the fridge and bursted into tears. Marcelo had gone to buy if for her, then ...  
Now Tarja cried badly. Marcelo ... How could he have made her choose between an abortion and leaving?  
He hadn't cared as he found out that the baby wasn't his. He had been okay with it, after some time. Had accepted it because he loved her.  
But he had cared as he found that it was Tuomas' kid.  
He honestly hated him so much, he had been ready to kill an innocent child, only because the father was Tuomas!  
Tarja was disappointed, heartbroken, shattered. He had been ready to raise a foreigner's baby, but not Tuomas'! He had accepted the fact that she had slept with a stranger, but not with Tuomas!  
And now she had to move out because of totally logic reasons, that hurt her after all.  
So Tarja was crying, because of both logic and unlogic reasons.  
And she still blamed it on the hormones.  
Damn pregnancy.

"She's crying", Johanna sighed.  
"I can hear it", Tuomas answered, a single tear running down his cheek in the protection of the dark.


	4. Chapter 4

May 21st 2016

A soft "Good morning, princess" awoke her.  
She rubbed her puffy eyes and slowly sat up, a wave of nausea and headache hitting her.  
"Don't call me princess", she grunted and then jumped up to run to the toilet.  
Tuomas heard her throwing up, a guilty feeling in his chest.  
Again he asked himself what he had done to this wonderful woman. He had to bite back the tears that welled up inside him and went to the kitchen. "She's awake", Tuomas said and kissed his wife on the cheek.  
"I can hear that", Johanna sighed. "And I'm honestly happy that I don't have to go through this. There is nothing worse than throwing up."  
Tuomas smiled gently. "So you're not angry that I agreed to adopt her baby without asking you first?"  
"No, not at all", Johanna said with a smile, but suddenly she froze. "We have to look for a home for them."  
"I know", Tuomas sighed and looked in the direction the noises were coming from. "We will find something ... not far away."  
Johanna looked at her husband and saw the pain in his eyes. She knew that this woman was his best friend, it hurt her to see him hurt like that.  
"Well ... Maybe she can move back to Kitee ... I know it's not close to us but she'll have her mother around."  
Tuomas nodded. "That's actually a good idea", he said, the very moment that Tarja entered the kitchen.  
"Morning", she said a little grumpy.  
"Morning!", Johanna sung. "Want anything? Tea? Coffee?"  
"Tea", Tarja sighed. "Thank you."  
"Chamomile tea for the pregnant lady", Johanna said gently and put some water in the water boiler. "Did you sleep well?"  
The dark haired woman didn't answer, she only looked at Tuomas. "I called my mother, by the way", she told him.  
"You did?", Tuomas asked, now knowing that Tarja had heard their conversation.   
"I did. I will drive to Kitee on Tuesday. And I think I'll stay - as you want to."  
"No", Johanna quickly said. "We don't want you to stay there, we want you to stay somewhere you have someone to help you ... And Kitee would be good because of your mother! Look, Tuomas is gone the whole week and I am gone very often as well -"  
"What if", Tuomas suddenly interrupted. "What if Tarja and Naomi stay with Marjatta during the week and on the weekends she can stay here?"  
"Tuo", Johanna mumbled. "We won't have much time together ..."  
"Of course we will", Tuomas said encouraging. "We two and our baby."  
"And me", Tarja said bitterly. "Tarja. The one who carries the baby - remember?"  
Johanna and Tuomas looked at Tarja wordlessly and not for the first time Tarja felt like a stranger, a disrupter in their happy togetherness.  
She wanted to cry and was happy as her daughter entered the kitchen as well, greeting them with a wave of Spanish words.  
Quickly she lifted the girl up and carried her out of the kitchen, into the living room.  
I remember, Tuomas thought with a bad conscience. But I can't show in front of Johanna ... Show that I care more about you than anything ...  
"She has already called her mother", Johanna said and smiled at Tuomas. "Problem solved, I'd say. But the fact that Tarja lives with us every weekend is a little overacted ... We wont't even have time for each other anymore. What about every second weekend?"  
"That's okay", Tuomas agreed, ignoring the fact that the bad conscience ate his heart. It clenched and felt as if it was breaking.  
I did that to her ... And now I leave her alone. I'm a monster.  
"Good", Johanna said with a broad smile and grabbed the cup of chamomile tea, carrying it into the living room. "Tuo and I decided that you should live with your mother during the week and every second weekend - the weekends between those you can spend with us."  
"Great", Tarja said weakly and rubbed her baby bump. "That's okay ..."  
"Besides next Friday, of course", Johanna went on and gave the tea cup to Tarja, who placed it in front of her at the small table. "You will come here and we'll visit Dr. Kettonen."  
"Great", Tarja repeated dully and Johanna sat down next to her.  
"Is everything alright?", she asked gently and the dark haired woman smiled at the redhead.  
"Yes, I'm just ... I don't know if Marcelo will want me back after I've given the baby to you", Tarja whispered, suddenly with tears in her eyes.  
"He will", Johanna promised. "Otherwise I will give him a little visit ..."  
She observed the pregnant woman as she lowered her head. "My life is over", she said quietly and Johanna pulled her in an embrace.  
"It's not!", Johanna said loudly and softly shook the sobbing woman. "You have Tuo and me and your family! You have Namu!"  
"I am ... such a bad person", Tarja cried and Johanna rolled her eyes. She caught Tuomas' look and told him to come over.  
Tuomas did and embraced the crying woman from the other side.  
"Oh, Tari", he said gently. "Why do you think you're a bad person?"  
Tarja's head shot up and she glared at Tuomas. "Well, WHAT do you think?!", she hissed, her sadness suddenly gone.  
"Because you - you cheated on your husband?", Tuomas asked weakly, the daggers that shot out of the woman's eyes killing him.  
"I honestly hate, despise, loathe the man who did this to me!", she hissed, her hateful look making Tuomas unconscious about if she really meant it or only said this because her pregnancy hormones made her completely meshuga.  
"You may hate that man with your heart", Johanna agreed, patting Tarja's shoulder. "He destroyed your life, he destroyed your marriage. Did you already think of the fact that he drugged you? And then raped you?"  
"No ...", Tarja mumbled.  
"Maybe he did, after all you would never cheat on Marcelo if you knew, or not?"  
"I can't remember anything, Johanna", Tarja said again. "But maybe ... Maybe he did ..."  
Tuomas suddenly felt sick. He stood up and went away from the hugging women, without them noticing.  
Are they crazy??, he thought. Suddenly it seemed as if the whole world was against him. Me ... raping the love of my life? Geez, Johanna watches too much television ...  
He shook his head and locked himself in his sacred working room. Sacred, because it was always locked. In this 'office' he wrote songs and stories and sometimes drew. The drawings he locked as well, he didn't want anyone to see them. He didn't like them. The songs had a special place on top of the desk, in case of Johanna finding he key and sneaking into the office. If she did, she would read the songs and leave again. Hopefully, because beneath his stories and drawings ... He had hidden her letter.  
And said letter he pulled out, he always had when he had missed her.  
Tuomas,  
Good morning. Please don't throw this letter away, please read it. I decided to write you a letter rather than talking to you in person, because I know that this is how you like it ^^  
Anyway, listen. Tonight I did something stupid and so did you. We both cheated on the persons we love and the persons we belong to ... and I really regret it. I had to go, I hope you understand that. I'm going to return back to Argentina. Of course I'll tell Marcelo about this, but I don't demand from you to tell Johanna as well. Tell her if you want to, and if you don't, then don't. But please. I beg you, Tuomas.  
Please marry her.   
You will regret it, if you don't. I know that you love me, so I'll ask you again and as the woman you love:  
Marry Johanna and get happy with her.  
She loves you and she'll make you happy.  
I love you too. But I'd never be able to make you happy.  
That night was beautiful, no doubt. I could feel how much you love me. I could feel how much you craved me. But it was wrong, Tuo. It was a mistake. We don't belong together.  
Marry her, marry Johanna. Make babies with her and get happy. I'm okay, but I'd be sad to hear that you didn't do what I want. Do it for me. Marry her.  
And if we'll ever meet again ...  
Maybe we can laugh about it one day.  
And if we'll never meet again ... Then we can both die with the knowledge that I've done the right thing when I left.  
But I'll never forget you.  
Marry her.  
With love, Tarja.  
Tuomas shook his head as he let the letter sink down.  
She had never understood it ... Never had he loved anyone more than her. He would do everything for her. That's why he had married Johanna - because she had told him to! Asked, begged him to ...  
It was a mistake. We don't belong together.  
Tuomas heart ached.  
Maybe we can laugh about it one day.  
"I would never laugh about the fact we made love", Tuomas whispered.  
That night was beautiful, no doubt. I could feel how much you love me. I could feel how much you craved me.  
Tuomas closed his eyes. It hurt so much ...  
He put the letter back beneath the drawings and locked the drawer.  
His heart was clenching as he thought about current incidents - Tarja was pregnant and he was the father.  
She had escaped because Marcelo had wanted her to abort the baby, his baby. Marcelo knew that Tarja had slept with him and that was the only reason he didn't want the baby. Not because it was from a stranger but because it was from him, Tuomas.  
He honestly hated him so much that he wanted to kill an innocent baby, only because it maybe would look like him!  
Tuomas sighed. If the baby would look like him, he had to tell Johanna.  
No, that was too late. He had to tell Johanna soon! Before the baby would be born ...  
But what if she would leave him?  
Then you can raise the baby together with Tarja, as she had promised you ...  
Tuomas rubbed his eyes and shook his head. That voice inside his head was fooling him.

"Where did Tuomas go?", Tarja suddenly asked and Johanna put her hands away from the woman's rounded belly.  
She had hoped to feel the baby kick, but it was still sleeping. Tarja had promised the future mother to tell her as soon as the baby was awake, and then she had asked where Tuomas went to.  
"He sometimes locks himself in his office", Johanna explained. "When he's angry or sad or just needs some peace."  
"I shouldn't have screamed at him", Tarja sighed and caressed her belly. "Telling him that I hate and despise the man who got me pregnant ..."  
"True", Johanna said. "After all he's not responsible for what happened to you. Oh, if I only knew that man ... I would -" Johanna clenched her fists and Tarja forced herself to laugh a little.  
Oh yes ... Tuomas isn't responsible for this. He impregnated me, true, but I was the one who seduced him ... He told me it would change everything, asked me if I was completely sure about this. And I was the one who promised him to stay with him. Shit, I am so stupid. I am responsible for everything ...  
"I guess I should go and - tell him I'm sorry", Tarja mumbled and let Johanna help her up. "Thanks", she said before she walked to the office.  
As she wanted to knock, she heard a muffled sigh and pressed her ear against the door instead of knocking.  
"Why, Tarja, why?", Tuomas whispered to no one. "I just can't get over you ... Oh, do you care? I still feel for you."  
"Oh, so aware", Tarja whispered back with a smile. She leaned her forehead against the door, whispering, "what should be lost is there ..."


	5. Chapter 5

May 23rd

"Wait - you want me to believe that Tuomas will be gone the whole week?", Tarja asked shocked, stepping out of Johanna's car. "I thought you were joking as you said I'd be alone during the week."  
"Unfortunately not", Johanna sighed. "I hate the fact as well, I can always miss him for a whole week, while the boys and Floor can see him for a whole week."  
"Oh, I remember those days in the studio", Tarja suddenly said. "Believe me, he was a monster. At latest after day three he screamed at everyone."  
I thought you wanted to be a singer?? Sing or cry and sing. I don't care about your tears, Tarja. Cry, but don't think I would care ...  
Tarja shook her head softly. "I don't miss those days", she whispered and Johanna pulled her in a hug.  
"See you on Friday", she said gently. "I'm sorry we had to throw you out."  
"No, it's okay. Now I understand", Tarja said and hugged the redhead back.  
"Bye, Naomi", Johanna now said and hugged the girl.  
"Bye bye, Jo", Naomi said. "See you soon?"  
"Promised, honey." Johanna winked and smiled at Tarja one last time. While she entered her car again, the pregnant woman and her daughter went inside the railway station to start their little journey to Kitee.

At the other side of Helsinki, Tuomas was just entering a filled studio.  
After they had greeted each other, Tuomas saw that they had already prepared everything they needed for recording the new album, Floor had already warmed up her voice, the microphones and drums were already standing, and the guitars were already tuned.  
"Am I too late?", Tuomas asked.  
"No, we just wanted to do something good for our boss", Floor said. "We thought you needed a little help, now that Tarja is back ..."  
Tuomas stared at his friends with wide eyes, before he asked, "How do you know?"  
"Johanna and I had a little talk yesterday", Emppu said. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep it for myself."  
"I know you're a little chatterbox, so no problem", Tuomas said. "But - do you ... do you also know that -"  
"That she's pregnant", Jukka and Floor said together.  
"Oh", Tuomas answered. "And -"  
"Marcelo threw her out", Marco and Emppu went on.  
"Oh, right, you know almost everything", Tuomas said a little annoyed. "Do you also know that -"  
"That she cheated on him", Floor said with a nod.  
"Yes, we know that the baby is not from Marcelo", Emppu said.  
"Oh great!", Tuomas shouted and threw his arms in the air. "What else do you know??"  
"That you're the father", Marco answered.  
For a whole minute no one said a word.  
While his friends looked at him worrying, Tuomas looked for an explanation. But then he simply broke together on the next chair.  
"Where do you know that from?", he asked with a defeated voice.  
"Well -", Emppu started, but Floor shut him up with putting her hand on his shoulder.  
"Let me", she pleaded and as Emppu nodded, she looked straightly at Tuomas. "Tuo", she started gently. "We all knew that you still loved her. I immediately sensed when I joined this band. And then you were suddenly gone at the party ... Emppu followed you, he was afraid that something had happened to you. He came back soon, not knowing what to say. But it wasn't necessary."  
Tuomas stared at his friends. "So how ...?"  
"We heard you", Jukka said and Tuomas gasped.  
"We decided to leave you alone", Floor mumbled. "It ... it sounded ..."  
"Wanted", Emppu whispered.  
"Beautiful", Marco said and Jukka elbowed him. "What?", Marco asked. "It sounded beautiful! As if they've never done anything else before."  
"True", Emppu mumbled.  
Tuomas lowered his head. "She left me in the morning", he said, his eyes full of tears. "She only left a letter behind ..."  
"Oh, Tuo", Floor whispered, and next thing the man noticed, were her tattooed arms around him. With an immense strengh she hugged him. "And you still married Johanna?"  
"Tarja asked me to do it", Tuomas said softly and Floor hugged him tighter.  
"And you still love her", she guessed.  
Tuomas only nodded.  
"Do you think Marcelo knows that you're the father?", Emppu asked.  
"I know he does", Tuomas said. "That's why he wanted Tarja to abort the baby."  
"WHAT?!", the others gasped as Tuomas told them.  
"That's why she fled", Tuomas said. "Oh, by the way - who else heard us?"  
"Only us four", Jukka said. "We swore not to tell anyone and we didn't. We have kept this as a secret in the last four month."  
"Thank you", Tuomas said touched. They were amazing friends.  
"So, where is Tarja?", Marco asked. "I'd like to see her again."  
"She's in Kitee with Naomi and Marjatta", Tuomas answered.  
"So she brought Naomi", Floor said without a smile. "Poor Marcelo."  
Everyone stared at her.  
"What??", Floor asked.  
"Poor Marcelo?", Emppu asked with an unbelieving look.  
"Guys - Tarja cheated on him with the man he hated", Floor started. "And now she is carrying his child! And if that wasn't enough, she left with their daughter. So yes - poor Marcelo."  
"She is right", Jukka said after some silence. "If Satu left with our children ..."  
"True", Marco added. "Oh, Tuomas. You broke a man's heart."  
"I know", Tuomas growled. "But he broke mine as well as he took Tarja from me."  
The talk was ended abruptly when Tero entered. "What are you doing?", he shouted. "I want to hear you play!"

"Tarja, baby!", Marjatta shouted as she spotted her daughter.  
"Mother", Tarja said exhaustedly and fell into her mother's arms. "I missed you."  
"I missed you so much, baby", Marjatta whispered and hugged her daughter carefully but tight. As they slowly let go of each other, Marjatta finally saw Naomi.  
"Does she still only speak Spanish?", Marjatta asked a little unhappy as she lifted Naomi up.  
"Mummi!", the girl suddenly called and Marjatta's mouth fell open.  
"Naomi!", she said surprised. "Did your mother teach you Finnish?"  
"A little", Naomi answered in Finnish.  
"Wow", Marjatta said stunned.  
"She'll need that", Tarja said softly. "We'll ... We're going to stay here."  
Marjatta took her daughter's bag and carried it towards her car, the pregnant woman and her daughter following her.  
"Why are you going to stay?", Marjatta asked.  
"Let's drive home first", Tarja pleaded and opened the door for the girl.  
Once they were all buckled up, the elder woman started the car.  
"Will Marcelo come later?", Marjatta asked and Tarja first said nothing.  
Then -  
"I'm going to tell you everything", she promised. "Drive me home."  
Marjatta watched her daughter worriedly as they drove. The pregnant woman was clutching her belly, her knuckles and face white.  
What was wrong?  
Marjatta felt that something was completely wrong.  
At home she helped the younger woman out of the car, and then lifted the small girl out of it.  
"Kiitos", Naomi blabbed her and grandmother smiled proudly.  
Minutes after that, they were sitting on the couch and drinking tea and cocoa (Naomi drank the cocoa).  
"So tell me ...", Marjatta said. "When will Marcelo come after you, once you'll stay here?"  
"He won't at all", Tarja whispered and Marjatta almost let her mug fall. "I left him ..."  
"You left him??", Marjatta screeched. "You - a pregnant woman left your husband??"  
"Mother, stop", Tarja breathed, caressing her baby bump gently. "I had reasons. Or better, he had reasons to throw me out."  
"Tell me", Marjatta said icily and suddenly her eyes grew wide. "You told him about that incident in January, didn't you?"  
Tarja nodded. "It was already February, but well. Yes, I did."  
"But why did he throw you out? It's his baby after -" Marjatta went quiet and her eyes went even wider. "It's from Tuomas, isn't it?"  
Tarja nodded and bursted into tears. "He - he found out that I cheated on him", she sobbed and Naomi wrapped her arms around her mother. "And I - I didn't tell him. But the bad con - conscience killed me so I t - told him. And he made me choose. I could either abort or - or leave."  
"Oh, honey", Marjatta said. Her heart was aching as she saw her daughter broken like that. "So he didn't care about the fact that you cheated on him, he only cared about that you cheated on him with Tuomas?"  
Tarja nodded. "I think he cared that I cheated on him but he didn't show ... But then - then I told him ..."  
"And -", Marjatta interrupted her, "does Tuomas know?"  
"He does", Tarja mumbled. "I - I lived with them at the weekend ..."  
"Oh, Tarja", Marjatta sighed. "What have you done?"  
"Why?", Tarja asked depressed.  
"They were happily married", Marjatta said sadly. "Do you really think, Tuomas can still love her without being hurt? You know he loves you and you know it won't get better if you're around."  
"I wanted to avoid them!", Tarja shouted. "I had no idea I would get pregnant! I first thought it was Marcelo's, I had no idea that Tuomas had impregnated me! But he is the father, where else should I have gone??"  
"You know that I'll always support you", Marjatta said gently. "Otherwise I would have slapped you as you told me you had sex with Tuomas."  
"What should I do, mum?", Tarja whispered. "My fans will find out ... As soon as the baby is born and it looks like Tuo ..."  
"If it's a boy", Marjatta said wisely. "If it's a girl, you will have a chance that it will look like you."  
"Oh great, and if it's a boy, I will be reminded at what I did everyday", Tarja said sarcastically and Marjatta sighed.  
"Children are presents, Tarja Soile", she said softly, and Tarja let her eyes rest on Naomi.  
"I know", she said, her voice full of love. "But still I regret the way how this baby ... came into my belly."  
"That's something I can't help you with", Marjatta said with a shrug. "I'm sorry that Marcelo and you aren't together anymore, but -"  
"Woah, mum! Wait!", Tarja called. "Marcelo and I may be parted now, but as soon as I've given the baby to Tuomas and Johanna he'll take me back!"  
"Now you wait", Marjatta said shocked and stood up, her hand on her chest over her heart. "You'll give it away?? To Tuomas and Johanna?? Are you - are you crazy?? You think they will say yes??"  
"I'm not crazy", Tarja said. "I already asked them. They agreed."  
"But - but", Marjatta stuttered. "Okay. They are crazy. Tuomas is crazy! He really agreed on adopting his own baby?? I have to sit down."  
Marjatta sat back down at the couch. "I guess Johanna doesn't know ...?"  
"That's right, she doesn't", Tarja said. "But she's infertile, she was only happy as I offered it to her -"  
"Wait", Marjatta begged again. "Too many news at once. Johanna is infertile?"  
"And she really wants to get children", Tarja said. "Tuomas also does, so I'll give them my baby. Tuomas knows he will adopt his own baby, but Johanna doesn't even know that we slept with each other. She thinks she's going to adopt mine and a stranger's child."  
"Confusing", Marjatta mumbled. "But don't you think Johanna should know ...? I'm sure she'll notice something that looks like something from Tuomas sooner or later. Children can inherit a nose or eyes, or talents ..."  
"That wont't be my problem then", Tarja said coldly. "I've already decided that I'm going back to Marcelo. I hope he'll take me back ..."  
"I'm sure he will, I know him", the elder woman said. "But look - you can't leave Tuomas alone like this ..."  
"I don't care", Tarja whispered, lied. "I may have destroyed their marriage ... But he also did. He just had to get me pregant!", she said loudly.  
"You just had to jump into bed with him!", Marjatta shouted with the same tone, but Tarja only looked at her without a single emotion, so her mother sighed.  
She saw that it was useless to talk to her daughter right now. Maybe it was the stubbornness that came along with the pregnancy ...


	6. Chapter 6

May 27th

On Friday Tarja drove back to Helsinki where Johanna was already waiting for her at the railway station.  
They hugged and after Johanna had asked the pregnant woman about her week, they entered the younger woman's car.  
Tarja kneaded her knees while the redhead drove her. It was kinda awkward, for both of the women.  
They were alone, normally the one who was responsible for their friendship was with them.  
But they were alone and had no idea what to talk about.  
Tarja observed the younger woman from time to time, her pretty profile was watching the street, carefully trying that she wouldn't drive too fast.  
This woman would be the mother of her baby ...  
Tarja smiled a little, she knew that no one would be more perfect as parents than Tuomas and Johanna, but still it made her unconscious.  
Well, what do you think?? She is here with you and you fucking KNOW that the baby is from Tuomas - only she doesn't!  
Tarja turned her head, looking out of the window.  
Johanna on the other side tried to hide her excitement. She really liked Tarja, well, she had always liked her, there had been a time where she had been obsessed even - about the time of Century Child. She had been eighteen and helplessly obsessed with Nightwish - especially with Tarja and Tuomas.   
She had collected everything of them, CDs, DVDs, posters, pictures. Her old child room was stuffed with things of Nightwish, her wall was decorated with pictures of Tarja and Tuomas (not only, of course. There were also pictures where the whole band was on) and there was one wall that was decorated with concert tickets.  
She had been on too many.  
And now she was married with this brilliant poet of this amazing band and soon she would get to adopt the baby of this wonderful, beautiful singer!  
Her whole inside was a mess.  
Soon they stopped in front of light pink building, that had a pharmacy on the ground floor, a dentist on the second floor and Johanna's gynecologist on the third floor.  
"Let's take the elevator", Johanna offered as they entered the pharmacy and walked right to the elevator.  
Tarja walked after her, glad that Johanna hadn't decided to climb the stairs - Tarja wasn't as fit as she had been once anymore.  
In the elevator, the black haired Finn turned to the redhead. "Did you tell your gynecologist about this? That I'll give you my baby and that I have no idea about the father?"  
"Of course not", Johanna said, almost shocked. "That's none of her business. She only knows that you're my friend and that you have no idea what to do."  
"So she thinks that the father left me or something?"  
"Could be", Johanna said and the elevator stopped. "But don't be afraid, she won't ask you about it. She also can't ask her patients about from where they have their genital diseases." Johanna laughed and Tarja forced herself to laugh.

Dr. Kettonen was a middle-aged, pretty woman with blonde hair and glasses. She welcomed the women and immediately asked Tarja to lay down.  
Tarja did and while the doctor pulled up her shirt, revealing her rather small but undoubtedly baby bump, she asked her about things she needed to know.  
What she had been eating today and during the whole time, if she was taking vitamin supplements, if she was exercising, if she was sexually active, et cetera.  
Tarja could answer every question without a problem, until they came to the last question.  
"No", Tarja mumbled.  
Indeed, after Tuomas and her had slept with each other, nothing had happened until Marcelo had came back. And then, when they had found out that she was pregnant, it had stopped. Not because she was pregnant, but because they had had different things in mind. And when he had found out that the baby wasn't his ...  
Tarja got tears in her eyes and she noticed that he had just stopped touching her.  
"I'm n-not active", Tarja sobbed. "Not at all."  
"Mrs. Cabuli", Dr. Kettonen said calmly and put her hand on the sobbing woman's shoulder.  
"Tarja, please", Johanna said gently and kneeled down next to her, taking Tarja's face between her palms. "Look at me ..."  
Tarja did and the green eyes met the blue ones.  
"He's your past", Johanna whispered. "You don't deserve him."  
"Don't say this, you know I love him", Tarja whispered back and Johanna sighed.  
"But he's not worth it", Johanna said and gently brushed the tears of the black haired woman away. "Calm down, okay?"  
"Okay", Tarja mumbled and turned back to the doctor. "Sorry."  
"No need", Dr. Kettonen said with a smile. "Can I put the ultrasound gel on you now?"  
"Please", Tarja said and after a warning that it'd get cold, the doctor put the gel on her belly.  
Soon something appeared on the monitor ... First it was hard to identify but then Tarja recognised the outlines of a baby, her baby.  
"Oh my god", Johanna whispered and came closer. "Is that ... is that a hand?"  
"Yes", Dr. Kettonen said with a smile. "It looks as if your baby is completely healthy. Ten fingers, ten toes, every limb is where it should be. It's a little small, but it'll grow soon. Do you want to know the gender?"  
"No", Tarja answered, while Johanna replied with a "Yes" at the same time.  
"Then I'll tell you later", Dr. Kettonen chuckled.  
Johanna looked at Tarja, who was avoiding her look. Why didn't she want to know?  
Soon Dr. Kettonen was done and cleaned her belly. "So, Mrs. Cabuli. Do you have any questions?"  
"No", Tarja mumbled.  
"Okay. Then I'll only need to take a pap smear to check if everything's alright down there and then we're done for this time."  
"Oh, I'll go outside", Johanna said and grabbed her purse.  
Tarja threw an an anxious look at her before she disappeared.  
Soon she was lying on the chair with spread legs. She hated this, she always had.  
After the doctor was done, she told Tarja to get dressed again. And while she did, the doctor started her analysis.  
"I know it's none of my business", she said, "but do you have someone to support you with the baby?"  
"Sure, Johanna and her husband", Tarja said and the doctor nodded.  
"And ... Because of money?"  
"I have enough money", Tarja said a little cold. "I don't need a man to support me with money."  
"Oh, okay", Dr. Kettonen said a little confused and Tarja was glad that she obviously had no idea who she was (obviously, because after all she thought her whole name was Tarja Cabuli).  
Her very first gynecologist had been a fan on the symphonic metal genre, and had almost dropped dead as she saw who her new patient was.  
No one said a word again, until the doctor was done with her analysis soon after.  
"Everything's alright with your mucosa", Dr. Kettonen said and Tarja grimaced.  
"Great."  
"But still I think a vitamin supplement would be the best. Ask for Elli down on the pharmacy, she knows a lot about those pregnancy supplements."  
"Okay", Tarja said and then smiled at the doctor. "Thank you."  
"Nothing to thank me for, Mrs. Cabuli. Can we settle the next appointment?"  
They made an appointment for July first and after they shook hands, Tarja stepped outside.  
Johanna, who had been waiting impatiently, rushed past her and shut the door behind her.  
She wasn't even gone for three seconds, after only a blink she came out again, wearing a perfect poker face.  
"You know it?", Tarja asked softly and Johanna nodded, not showing any kind of emotion (internally she was dying).  
The women walked outside and drive down. In the pharmacy Tarja asked for Elli and soon a brunette woman was telling her everything that was important during pregnancy.  
Tarja left with three different supplements.  
"What do you want to do now?", Johanna then asked, as Tarja stuffed the packages into her purse. "Mh - I'm a little hungry", Tarja replied and Johanna laughed.  
"No big surprise", she then said and started the car. "Let's go to my favourite café not far from here."  
"You know", Tarja said after a while. "It's not fair that you know the gender of the baby and I don't."  
"Do you want to know it?", Johanna asked and parked the car in a parking lot.  
"No, I don't want to know ...", Tarja mumbled.  
"Then don't complain", Johanna said and got out of the car.  
Tarja did as well, holding her belly while she did.  
"Why don't you want to know by the way?", Johanna asked as they walked towards the café."  
"In case I'd develop too many feelings for it", Tarja said. "If I know it's going to be, let's say, a boy ... Then I will start looking for a name and will start talking to it as I talk to Naomi. This way I can say 'it' and I can talk to it without developing too many feelings. And then it won't hurt giving it away." Tarja smiled at the redhead. "But still it's unfair that you know!"  
Johanna winked at her and laughed.

An hour later they left the café, deciding to go on a walk. They linked their arms and walked along the street, heading to the park not far away.  
As they passed a store that had baby clothes, Johanna almost came to stand in front of the window as if it was magnetic.  
"Wanna go inside?", Tarja asked.  
"No", Johanna sighed. "If I buy something, you'll know what it's going to be. I'll do that tomorrow with Tuomas."  
"If it's going to be a girl, I still have a few things of Naomi you can have", Tarja offered.  
"Thank you", Johanna chuckled. "I'll tell you as soon as I need them - and you can know about the gender."  
They walked further and soon they came into the park, sinking down on a park bench.  
It was a nice weather and soon Johanna peeled off her thin jacket and Tarja put off her scarf. "Was Dr. Kettonen nice to you?"  
"Yup", Tarja replied. "She had to do a pap smear like ugh ... Everything's okay down there but I hate this."  
"Same here." Johanna shuddered. "And how's the little one?"  
"Junior is doing great", Tarja said with a sigh.  
After a while they continued walking and soon they were standing on a bridge, looking down at the Vantaanjoki river.  
"You know", Johanna suddenly said. "I've ... I've been thinking a little."  
"Ai, I hope it didn't hurt", Tarja said with fake worry and Johanna bursted into laughter.  
"You are so stupid! No, it didn't hurt!"  
The women were laughing for a while and then Johanna sighed. "No ... I've ... I've been thinking about asking you to sing with me."  
"Now?", Tarja asked. "Here?"  
"No", Johanna answered with a roll of her eyes. "Another time. Maybe we could perform ..."  
"Johanna ...", Tarja whispered. "Don't understand me wrong now, but as long as my life looks like this ... I won't perform. Look, my husband is gone, I'm pregnant from a stranger, I have no real home right now -"  
"Oh, it's okay", Johanna quickly said. "Then only for fun."  
"I'd love to", Tarja said and they walked on. Soon they were in front of a church and Johanna looked at it with a smile.  
Tarja noticed that. "Is it still Tuomas' favourite church?", she asked and Johanna giggled.  
"Yes! You know so much about him!"  
"I've known him for twenty-five years", Tarja said a little sad. If I've only known with that age that I'd be pregnant from him one day ...  
"Come on, let's make him jealous!", Johanna called and pulled out her phone. Then she hesitated. "Could you take the picture? You have a better camera."  
"Sure", Tarja answered and pulled out her iPhone. "Pretty look or stupid look?"  
"Stupid, of course!", Johanna laughed and soon they had sent a picture to Tuomas, which would probably make him freak out completely.  
Poor Tuomas ... His wife and the woman he loves on the same picture, looking like best friends ...  
They walked back to Johanna's car after that photo session, sometimes stopping to take more pictures to send to Tuomas.  
But soon Tarja noticed that Johanna had something else on her mind ... Everytime their eyes met, Johanna looked away quickly and started talking about something completely different.  
Soon they were sitting in the car again and Johanna was driving her back to the railway station.  
"Do you want to ask me something else?", Tarja asked as she stopped in front of the station.  
"Yes ... When we'll meet again! It was really nice with you!"  
"Nice try", Tarja chuckled. "I still have half an hour until my train will drive, so you better tell me now. I won't give up anyway."  
"Okay, okay", Johanna said. "It's ... kind of a confession." She smiled at Tarja. "When I was eighteen, I was totally obsessed with Nightwish."  
"When you were ...", Tarja counted silently. "Oh, I was still in the band back then."  
"Yes. And I was obsessed with the band ... In front of all with Tuomas and you."  
Tarja's eyes got dark as she frowned. "Of us as ...?", she started, but she couldn't say it out loud. She knew there were people out there who wrote Fanfictions about her and Tuomas (once she had even read one), made videos about them, et cetera ...  
"Just of you two", Johanna said and Tarja let out a relieved breath. "But still ... I'd like to know something."  
"Just ask", Tarja said softly.  
"I know that you two have never been a couple", Johanna said and Taja nodded. "But ... There had to be something. You were in a band and always together ... Please, please tell me, Tarja." Johanna got red. "Did you two ever sleep with each other? Drunken, maybe? Or at least accidentally kiss?"


	7. Chapter 7

May 27th

"Hey, Tuomas", Emppu called and Tuomas stopped playing. "Your phone keeps blinking and blinking. It annoys me."  
"Then turn it around", Tuomas grunted and put his fingers on the keys again.  
"But it's so exciting to see Johanna and Tarja having fun!", Emppu laughed and Tuomas shot up.  
"What??", he called and jumped to his phone, grabbing it. With wide eyes he opened a chat with Johanna. Then with Tarja ...  
He had received about twenty pictures in general and all of them showed Tarja and/or Johanna posing and having fun.  
"Aww, Tarja with a little baby bump", Emppu said.  
"Doesn't it feel strange? Knowing that inside of there there's your baby?", Floor asked.  
"Or seeing your wife and the mother of your child like that", Marco pointed out as he saw a picture with both the women grimacing madly.  
"It hurts", Tuomas whispered and put his phone. "Seeing the ... mothers of my child like this."  
"Mothers?", Jukka asked.  
"That sounds ... strange", Emppu said with lifted eyebrows. "Explain that."  
"Well", Tuomas started and straightened his back. "Johanna and I are going to adopt the baby."  
For a short time it was quiet, the air was thick as it had been on Monday when he had told them everything.  
"WHAT?" Floor was the first who shouted, but soon everyone talked at once.  
"Why her baby??" Marco.  
"Why don't you jump into the dead sea with hemorrhoids??" Emppu.  
"Are you insane??" Jukka.  
"Guys, please", Tuomas muttered.  
"Explain it to us", Floor begged him. "I guess we all don't have a single clue why her baby ..."  
"Because -", Tuomas started and as everyone looked at him, he went quiet. I can't tell them that Johanna is infertile ... That's her business.  
"Because Tarja asked me for it", he said weakly. "And because I love her too much to say no to her."  
"But still Johanna has no idea that you're the real father", Marco said and Tuomas nodded.  
"Oh, Tuo", Floor sighed. "You're in deep shit."  
"You don't have to tell me ...", Tuomas mumbled.

Tarja stared at Johanna in shock. Had she just really asked her if Tuomas and her had had something going on??  
"Why do you ask me something like this?", Tarja asked, her voice filled with pain.  
"Because it interests me!", Johanna said. "You were always together, for nine years! I can't believe there never happened anything ..."  
"Johanna, Marcelo and I married pretty early", Tarja said coldly. "I never cheated on him."  
"Okay, then six years", Johanna corrected. "Or five, I don't know!"  
Tarja shook her head. "I can't believe you're asking me something like this ..."  
"Why don't you just answer me?", Johanna asked a little challenging. "Are you afraid of my reaction?"  
"It's really none of your business, Johanna!", Tarja called, suddenly clenching her belly. Her hand was trembling. "We - we kissed once ...", she lied weakly and Johanna leaned back. "And it wasn't accidentally", Tarja went on. "I asked him to kiss me u -" She tried to avoid Johanna's look and decided to keep the whole truth as a secret. It was her memory after all. "Under a mistletoe ..."  
"Okay", Johanna mumbled, not sure if she should be happy or jealous. After all they had kissed, maybe they had loved each other? And if they had loved each other - maybe they still felt for each other?  
"And that was your only kiss back then?", Johanna asked and Tarja nodded.  
"Our last, back then", she said, happy that she didn't have to lie at her. After all it had been their only kiss back then or not? They hadn't kissed all these years until last February ...  
Tarja suddenly wished that she had spent the last years with Tuomas.  
'Only the pregnancy hormones', she told herself. 'You had a wonderful marriage, stop thinking about your last, wonderful years like that ...'  
"Tarja - are you okay?", Johanna asked gently and Tarja nodded.  
"I - I was just thinking of Marcelo", Tarja said softly.  
"Oh", Johanna mumbled and then she smiled at Tarja. "I'm sorry what I said before. That he's your past and so on ... I know that he was your true love ..."  
Tarja sighed. If you only knew anything about my real true love, she thought. "Well, you can't change it now", she said with a shrug. "I only hate myself for cheating on him."  
Johanna said nothing and Tarja checked her wrist watch. Fifteen minutes left ...  
"And ...", Johanna suddenly said.  
"Hm?", Tarja asked and looked at Johanna.  
"Have you ever been in love with Tuomas?", the red haired woman asked and Tarja groaned.  
"Why are you asking something like that?? That's not fair, Johanna. You see my circumstances? I'm pregnant from a stranger, left by my husband, have no home for my daughter and myself and I'm forced to give my baby away! Okay - I want to give it away as well but ... See that?" Tarja unlocked her phone and went on Twitter. "I ignore those comments but they hurt me pretty bad. 'I didn't know you were such a slut. I've never thought you'd cheat on your husband. I'm so disappointed in my idol ...' You know, I don't fucking care about how my fans and even haters came to that information, but they heard about it already! And that Marcelo and I live separated -"  
"Tarja", Johanna interrupted the singer softly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that your fans wrote things like that to you."  
"Only a few", Tarja sighed. "Most of them write that they still love me and so on ... But every comment feels like a stab through my heart."  
"I'm sorry", Johanna repeated. "I didn't want to bother you."  
"It's alright", Tarja answered and closed her eyes. Then she whispered, so quiet that Johanna almost didn't hear it, "Tuomas was my first love ..."  
For a minute it was quiet.  
"He was ...", Johanna whispered then and Tarja nodded.  
"My first ... real crush, I correct", Tarja mumbled. "I looked at him and my heart started beating, I touched him and my skin erupted to goosebumps, he talked and a shiver went down my spine ..."  
And as she described the feelings she had had for her former best friend to no one else than his wife, she suddenly noticed that she technically wasn't allowed to think in the past.  
Her skin still erupted to goosebumps, when they touched.  
Her heart still started racing when she saw him.  
And there was still a shiver that crept down her spine when he talked to her in his deep voice.  
She had thought she was over him. Thought that the fact that he had impregnated her without her wanting it, had destroyed that still existing love for him completely.  
But now she was there and her heart broke in the middle as she noticed that she still completely loved this man.  
Craved for him.  
Wanted him.  
Needed him ...  
She wanted to scratch out the eyes of this redhead, who seemed to be so happy with the man who should be hers, hers alone!  
She was pregnant from him, he was hers!  
He had told her about his feelings, that he still loved her madly, that he needed her, that he wanted to marry her -  
"Tarja, are you okay?"  
"No!", Tarja sobbed and buried her face in her hands, her body shaking madly as she bursted into tears. "I - I just don't know what to do! My life is over! I can't do this, I just can't face the people anymore! My fans ... Interviewers ..."  
"Oh, Tarja", Johanna sighed and suddenly her arms were around the pregnant woman, rocking her back and forth gently.  
"Marcelo ...", Tarja went on and let out another helpless sob.  
Johanna closed her eyes, cursing Marcelo in her mind. How could he just - how could he throw her out? She was pregnant!  
Johanna shook her head lightly. She had never really liked Marcelo, from what Tuomas had told her. He hadn't told her much, when Johanna used to ask about him and Tarja, Tuomas had only answered, "He changed Tarja into someone she wasn't. That's why we had to throw her out, she was like a puppet on his strings. And that we didn't appreciate."  
That had been everything, but it had been enough for Johanna to despise that man.  
But now she deeply hated him ...  
'That's it', she thought as she tried to give Tarja as much comfort as possible. 'I have to find a way to contact Marcelo and talk to him. It's simply not possible to make him throw out the woman he - hopefully - loves that way.'  
"I'm sorry", Johanna said once again. "I didn't want to hurt you ... it's just - I've been more obsessed with Tuomas and you than I told you ... I thought you two could have been a really cute couple ..."  
Tarja remained silent. She was a 'shipper' - Tarja should have known that Johanna was one of them who found her and Tuomas utterly cute as a couple.  
"Sorry to disappoint you, then", Tarja said after a few minutes as she pulled away. "We've never been a couple."  
"But he was your first love", Johanna replied. "And I think that Tuo felt the same - he never told me, but I saw it in his eyes, every time he talked about you. What happened, Tarja?"  
"I simply didn't know about his feelings", Tarja sighed. "I only thought he had had a little crush on me in school. I had no idea that this had begun to grow over the years and then, when I figured out that he loved me, Marcelo was already in my life."  
She lied, lied, lied. She couldn't tell Johanna the truth, couldn't tell her that he had explained his feelings to her when they met last January, or could she?  
That she just had been too blind to figure out ten years ago, where from should she have that knowledge about his feelings now?  
Tarja's mind was turning and she checked her watch again, glad to see that her train would arrive soon.  
"Johanna - I have to go", she said and Johanna nodded.  
"It's okay. Sorry for bothering you", the redhead sighed. "It's just, my best friend and I seeked for Fanfictions of you two and -"  
"Okay, that's too much information", Tarja interrupted with a little frown. "I once read one of them and - no."  
"Which one?", Johanna asked and Tarja stared at her.  
"You still read them, don't you?"  
"They're pretty good!", Johanna defended herself and Tarja shook her head.  
"You're reading Fanfictions about your husband", she said dryly and suddenly she bursted into laughter.  
Her laugh infected Johanna and soon both women were giggling madly. "Once a fangirl, always a fangirl!", Johanna said and Tarja laughed even more.  
"I can so imagine this", she giggled. "A younger you, sitting in front of the computer, fangirling over pictures of Tuomas and me, reading that story where Tuomas is an angel of death and I'm a doctor and the only one who is able to see him ..."  
Johanna laughed, thinking about which story she had meant. Angel? Doctor?  
"And then all of this was just imagination", she then said with a sigh, trying to distract herself from that unknown story. "Well, someone can dream, right?"  
"Someone can", Tarja giggled. "But now you're married to Tuomas, you better take care or I'll take him from you - even if I'm not a doctor!"  
"Nah", Johanna chuckled. 'Which story ...??' "Those times are over. I'll stick with my Fanfictions."  
Tarja embraced Johanna quickly. "Do that. I really have to go now!"  
Johanna hugged the black haired woman back. "Okay, see you. Have a nice weekend and week!"  
Tarja still smiled as she left the car, even though it was rather sad. 'Johanna still ships us? Poor her ... Why can't I just hate her? It would be so much easier ... And Tuomas ... I wish I didn't feel for him anymore ...'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story I mentioned is by "Morphy" from wordpress.com, whose stories inspired me to write T/T.  
> The story is called Heaven Sent.


	8. Chapter 8

His lips closed over the fork. "So", he said while he chewed. "You've had fun with Tarja, I guess."  
"Yes", Johanna replied and smiled. "I know what it's going to be, do you -"  
"No", Tuomas said and shook his head. "I want to get surprised."  
"Just like Tarja", Johanna mumbled. "She also didn't want to know."  
"She didn't?", Tuomas asked surprised. "Why?"  
"She said she doesn't want to develop feelings for the baby", Johanna said with a shrug and Tuomas felt a light clenching in his heart. Of course she didn't want to develop feelings for it ... It was his baby after all ...  
"And then you just decided to spam me with ugly pictures of you two?", Tuomas asked and Johanna laughed.  
"Ugly, Tuomas? How are you talking about your wife?" A flash went through her eyes. "And your first love ...", she added a little dangerous.  
Tuomas' heart stopped for a moment and his eyes went wide.  
"Johanna - what?", Tuomas asked shocked.  
"Oh, you haven't been in love with her?", Johanna said with a light smile.  
"No!", Tuomas said abruptly and Johanna squinted her eyes at him.  
"Then why did she tell me that she has been in love with you? Why hasn't she acted surprised as I told her that you had been in love with her as well? And why did you never tell me about your little encounter beneah the mistle toe?"  
"You didn't question her about her life, did you?", Tuomas asked and Johanna smiled.  
"I did", she said. "I want to know everything about her."  
"Oh no, you don't", Tuomas mumbled.  
"So, why did you never tell me about your feelings for her?", Johanna asked and nudged her husband's arm.  
"Because that was more than twenty years ago", Tuomas said with a grimace. "We were fourteen, and as I asked her to be my girlfriend, she declined."  
"Awww, you asked her??", Johanna squealed, jumping up and down her chair. "But why did she decline? She told me she loved you!"  
"I have no idea", Tuomas sighed. "I thought so too, I guess she was afraid."  
"But you kissed as you were older", Johanna went on and Tuomas nodded.  
"We were around twenty ... And both drunk." He grimaced as he remembered what happened last time they had been drunk. "But she met Marcelo a few months later and well ... You know the rest of the story."  
"And -", Johanna started, but Tuomas shook his head.  
"Let's not talk about this", he pleaded.  
"You know, I think it's important that we talk about our first loves and so", Johanna said almost greedy and Tuomas shoved his plate of food away. His appetite was gone.  
"Why?", he asked calmly. Johanna knew about Nina, his official first and most serious girlfriend before herself, what else did she want to know? "I've told you everything about Nina -"  
"Forget Nina, I doubt you loved her", Johanna said and looked straightly at her husband. "Why did you fall in love with Tarja?"  
Tuomas looked for words that could help him out of this situation. He stared at his wife, before he stood up. "That's too much, Johanna", he said softly and carried his plate into the kitchen.  
"What?", Johanna asked and followed him immediately.  
"It hurts", Tuomas said lowly. He stood with his back to his wife, clenching the kitchen counter.  
"What hurts?", Johanna asked gently and embraced his slim figure. She laid her cheek against his back. "Please, Love ... I'm sorry but I think it's important ... Now I know that you loved her and it's important for me to know why ..."  
"I don't know why, I just did", Tuomas whispered, his eyes closed. "I did ... Since I've seen her for the first time ... Do you see why it hurt as hell?"  
"But why?", Johanna asked, a tear running down her cheek. "She said she loved you back ..."  
"She never did", Tuomas whispered. "If she did, why did she decline me when I asked her to be my girlfriend? Why did she marry Marcelo?" Why did she leave this morning after a night of passion and love declarations? Why the hell did she leave, if she loved me oh so much??  
"Tuo", Johanna mumbled. "She loved you ... Who couldn't love you?"  
Tuomas smiled lightly, but then his smile froze. 'It's only logic she didn't', he thought. 'I treated her like a piece of shit ... I never talked to her when she felt bad ... I never comforted her when she was sad ... I laughed at her when she was suffering from pain ... I screamed at her when she had gotten ill and we had to cancel a concert ...  
I - I screamed at her when she missed a tune.  
I was angry at her after that guy attacked her in Mexico. Now I'm angry at myself because I didn't help her ...  
I didn't talk to her for a whole year ... Okay, she got distant, but I could have made the first step to recover our friendship.  
I fired her with an open letter ...'  
"Shh ...", Johanna mumbled and turned the shaking Tuomas, making him look at her. "Don't cry. I won't ask you further", she said and touched his chin. "Don't cry ..."  
"I love you so much", Tuomas whispered while tear after tear vanished in his beard.  
"I love you more than everything", Johanna said gently and pulled his face down. "I've made the right decision with you ..."  
"Even though I'm already close to crying because of little things?", Tuomas asked quietly. He had always hated his weak side.  
But Johanna smiled at him and touched his lips with hers. "Especially because of that", she whispered and their lips melted together in a gentle and warm kiss, that showed both of them how much they meant to each other.

Tarja threw the piece of meat into the pan. With a huff she stared at the steak and waited.  
"Honey?", Marjatta asked as she stuck her head into he kitchen. "Are you alright?" Her eyes fell on the steak.  
"Need that now", Tarja huffed and Marjatta grimaced.  
"I knew it wasn't good for you to live in the land of the meat eaters", she said. "You know that too much meat is very bad for your arteries, your immune system and -"  
Tarja threw such a killer look at her mother, that the elder woman went quiet.  
"Baby needs that", Tarja growled and stared back at the steak in the pan.  
Marjatta bit her lip. "Honey ... You have a visitor."  
Tarja said nothing at first, she kept staring at her steak. "Who?", she then asked before she finally looked up. Her jaw dropped.  
"Father!", she shouted and threw her arms around the elder man whom she hadn't seen for years, with whom she had only talked to last time she had been in Finland over the phone. "Oh my god! Daddy!", she suddenly started sobbing, knowing that he probably had no idea why she was here in first place.  
"My sweetheart", Teuvo Turunen sighed and rubbed his daughter's back. "Why, my angel?"  
"I don't know, life just hates me", Tarja sobbed into her father's shoulder and the elder man pressed his daughter carefully but tightly against himself.  
"Tell me everything, my angel", Teuvo whispered and Tarja nodded. Oh, how she had missed her father ... His advice had been the best.  
So Tarja told her father that she had cheated on her husband, cheated on him with no one else than the man who threw her out of the band so many years ago. The man whom she had called her best friend, no matter with how little respect he had treated her. She told him that the baby was made by the man she was supposed to hate, well, she had thought that she was supposed to hate him. She told him that she still loved him, but he was happy with his wife. That they would adopt her baby ...  
"Oh, Tarja", Teuvo sighed after the story and many tears from his daughter. His shirt was soaking wet. "I can't believe that this happened to you of all people. You're too good for this world and then this ..."  
"It was karma", Tarja whispered. "Destiny ... I cheated on the best husband on earth and now I'm here ..."  
"Well, after all you listened to your heart hm?", Teuvo said.  
"What?", Tarja mumbled.  
"Listen, angel", her father said gently and Tarja pulled away from him. Teuvo smiled at her and Tarja laid her head down on his lap. He started caressing her hair immediately, something he had always done when Tarja had been a child.  
Tarja smiled and closed her eyes, enjoying the best feeling she could recall from her childhood. Only that she was thirty-eight this time instead of eight.  
And that she was pregnant ...  
"I know my daughter", Teuvo went on. "I know that she always listens to her heart, so I believe that she has also listened to her heart in this night. Did you feel guilty, sweetheart?"  
"Afterwards I did ...", Tarja mumbled.  
"But not when - it happened", Teuvo said a little hesitating. "You only listened to your heart, princess, and your heart told you to do it. So it was only right."  
"How can this be right?", Tarja asked depressed and Teuvo stroked her long hair, putting it behind her ears.  
"Give destiny some time", he whispered and kissed his daughter's forehead. "You will find out. Everything will turn out just as it should. Keep listening to your heart, just as you've done in the past. It has never brought you somewhere you didn't belong to, hm?"  
Tarja smiled softly.

She had seen the message, but she hadn't replied yet.  
Tuomas stared at his phone for ten minutes already, stared at her status, stared at her profile picture.  
'Up and down.'  
This was her status. Did it mean anything?  
Tuomas didn't doubt this, after all her life was a steady up and down.  
And her profile picture was just stunning ...  
You could only see her face from the side, everything else around her was dark. Tuomas had never seen that picture before, but he didn't stalk her, so ...  
And suddenly his heart stood still as he saw it.  
'Tarja is typing ...'  
He quickly went offline, his heart beating. He kinda hated this modern world with smartphones and chatting and so on, he just couldn't deny that he missed the times where he had waited for Tarja to call him in front of the telephone, that had belonged to the whole Holopainen-family.  
But nowadays it was impossible not to have a phone, and though Tuomas sometimes hated it - now he was quite glad that he could 'talk' to Tarja without Johanna noticing it (he always deleted the chats with Tarja).  
'Hello, Siren', he had wrote. 'How are you?'  
It was plain, but he needed to know how she was feeling.  
He went online again. Tarja was still typing.  
She was typing for minutes already, as Tuomas went online again. How much is she writing?, he asked himself and his heart jumped.  
And then he got her answer.  
'I'm quite alright. Never felt better.'  
"That's it?", Tuomas muttered. Oh, those women.  
'How's our baby?', he wrote back and this time she immediately answered.  
'YOUR baby.'  
Tuomas shook his head. 'Ours ... But okay ...', he wrote back, his heart crushed.  
'Tuomas, please', Tarja answered after a while. 'How do you think I'm feeling? The fact I'm pregnant is the only reason why I don't kill myself.'  
Tuomas frowned. 'Nice', he wrote back. 'And I thought maybe I was another reason.'  
'You'd be one of the reason BECAUSE I would kill myself, then', Tarja replied and Tuomas deleted their chat after not replying to her.  
It had just crushed his heart even more ... Would she really kill herself, if she wasn't pregnant? Only because they had slept together?  
No, that must be the hormones ... Tuomas had already noticed that she wasn't completely herself lately. But still ...  
Tuomas sighed and wanted to switch off his phone already, as the thing suddenly vibrated again.  
With a beating heart he opened the message, that Tarja had sent to him.  
'When can we see each other again?'


	9. Chapter 9

June 4th

When can we see each other again?  
Tuomas hadn't deleted this message, he didn't care about if Johanna would see it or not. Why would he care? It's not as if he wasn't allowed to see his best friend, or was he?  
Five days had passed since then and for the whole week, Tuomas hadn't been able to concentrate in the studio.  
I wonder how she is ...  
I wonder if she thinks about me ...  
Right now he was typing, every day he had started to answer her, but his messages had always turned into long love declarations (even though she already knew that he still loved her).  
Everytime he had started with 'Hello Tarja' and mostly the messages had ended either with 'I love you' or 'Come back to me'.  
"Whom are you writing?", Floor asked and sat down next to him. "Tarja?"  
"Yes ...", Tuomas mumbled. "Where do you know that from? I don't have her contact saved ..."  
"You've dropped your cigarette", Floor chuckled. "That's an explanation for everything."  
"Oh ...", Tuomas said. "Haven't noticed that."  
Floor chuckled. "What is she writing?"  
"When we can meet each other again."  
"And?"  
Tuomas stared at Floor. "And what?"  
"What will you write, you dork?"  
"That I never want to see her again?", Tuomas said with a cocked eyebrow and Floor rolled her eyes.  
"Give that to me", she groaned and grabbed his iPhone. "Men", she grumbled as she typed back. "Always the same with you ... There." She gave his phone back to him. "I've already sent it."  
'As soon as possible! Tell me when you have time. Sorry for my late reply, by the way.'  
"That's good, thank you", Tuomas said. "I'll tell you when she answers."  
Floor rolled her eyes again. Men.

As soon as possible ...  
Tarja's heart was beating.  
You know that I'm always free, she wrote. Let's meet this weekend ...?  
She sent the message and locked her phone.  
Her life now consisted of taking long walks alone or with her mother and Naomi, eating a lot, sleeping a lot, looking at herself in the mirror and cursing the weight she had gained (the weight besides on her stomach), playing with Naomi, etc.  
Mostly she spent her time surfing through the internet, she shopped a lot of maternity clothes, stalked herself on social networks, read a lot of comments, and so on.  
Naomi was already a talent in talking Finnish, every now and then when she asked for her father, a sudden wave of Spanish came over her and she blabbed sentence over sentence that only her mother understood.  
"You're spending too much time on the internet", Marjatta had scolded her once, but Tarja had only answered with a whined,  
"But I have to know what my fans think about my pregnancy and that it's not from Marcelo!"  
That was the truth. Tarja got a lot of messages, questions if she knew who the father was, questions if she knew what it was going to be, ...  
Tarja even got messages from male fans, and everyone of them was trying to tell her that he was the father.  
"Guess I am pregnant from a hundred different men", Tarja told her mother later and Marjatta laughed.  
"That I wanna see", she said and Tarja sighed.  
"If Tuomas wasn't married ..."  
"Then what?", Marjatta interrupted her daughter. "Would you tell the world? Would you tell Tuomas that you love him?"  
"I don't know", Tarja answered with a sigh. "Maybe I wouldn't. Maybe I would try to do everything to get Marcelo back ..."  
"You're afraid of this big change", Marjatta stated and Tarja nodded.  
That was true. She didn't want to start dating Tuomas, mostly because of the fear that it would be in everyone's mouth. She wouldn't have her peace anymore and would be in every tabloid. Everyone would talk about it.  
'Tell me, Tarja ... How do you feel, now that you're pregnant from the man who kicked you out of Nightwish ten and a half years ago? And tell me, how do you feel after your husband has kicked you out, your husband with whom you're married to for thirteen years? How does he feel about the fact that you cheated on him with Tuomas Holopainen, founder of Nightwish? How does your daughter feel about everything?'  
Tarja massaged her temples.  
No, that really wasn't what she wanted to have ... "I think I wouldn't ...", she mumbled and grabbed her phone when it vibrated.  
Her smile as she opened the message told everything, so her mother left the room.  
'This weekend sounds great! Want me to come to Kitee?'  
'If that's okay for you?, Tarja typed back. Grab your wife and drive over anytime! :)'  
It hurt her so much to write 'your wife', but she knew she had to. Tuomas and Johanna would adopt her baby, so she had to accept the fact that they were married.  
Tuomas and Johanna are married, that was her daily mantra, but somehow it made her only more sad.  
And as Tuomas wrote back that he would do that, her heart sunk into her stomach.  
So she had done it, Tuomas would visit her at the weekend.  
But he would bring Johanna along ...

He didn't bring her along.  
Tarja opened the door and her eyes widened as she spotted the poet alone.  
"Johanna didn't have time", was his excuse.  
"Right", Tarja muttered and stepped aside. Why was he lying? She knew he was lying, somehow she felt that he was alone here on purpose. But should she mind? Not at all, after all she still hadn't accepted their marriage.  
"So, what do you wanna do?", Tuomas asked.  
"Take a walk, maybe?", Tarja suggested. "I usually walk alone -"  
"Did you plan to say that?", Tuomas asked and Tarja shook her head.  
"References to songs are pure coincidence. Anyway, I usually take walks alone and I discovered some beautiful places -"  
Tuomas interruped her again through taking her hand. "Let's go", he said and his eyes were so gentle and full of love, Tarja's heart started to beat.  
They walked side by side, their hands holding tight on each other's.  
They smiled at each other and after a while they sat down on a bench in the park which Tarja loved so much.  
Tarja sighed and leaned her head down on Tuomas' shoulder, watching the little fountain with tired eyes.  
"This is how it should be", Tuomas whispered and took her hand.  
"Yes ...", Tarja mumbled and looked up to him. She didn't care about Johanna anymore, that she had him and Tarja didn't ... Because right now Tarja had him and Johanna didn't ... "Yes ...", she mumbled again and closed her eyes.  
And Tuomas got the hint, slowly he leaned down until his lips touched hers.  
Finally.  
Tarja sighed and wrapped her arms around the other Finn.  
She didn't know if it was because she was pregnant or because she just missed kissing someone, but frankly she didn't care.  
Her fingers played with Tuomas' hair while her lips parted and the tip of her tongue carefully caressed his lips. Her lips closed over his lower lip and started sucking it gently.  
Tuomas had already forgotten the fact he was married, now his lips were parting as well and soon the tongues of the two black haired were caressing the other's.  
Finally they kissed.  
It was the first time ever they kissed completely sober.  
Tuomas could barely believe it, his hands sneaked up to her cheeks and he cupped her face, his hands shaking. He put her hair behind her ears and touched her temples, gently caressing them, slowly wandering to her forehead. His fingers found her hair soon and after a while they were entwined in her hair. Tarja leaned her head back and opened her mouth, pulled Tuomas closer to herself. Her hands were clinging on his shirt as she desperately held on him, her tongue massaged his, her mind filled with the painful awareness that this wasn't right.  
Tuomas didn't seem to care, his hands were practically everywhere, and he was kissing the love his life so deeply, for an outsider it could have looked as if he was eating her.  
His hands moved over her body, grazed her breasts, moved down to her swollen belly, where they stayed.  
Tarja felt loved, finally she did. Suddenly she didn't feel as if the baby was unwanted, she felt as if it was wanted ...  
His fingers caressed her belly and moved back up to her breasts again, where his hands cupped them carefully.  
And that was when Tarja pulled away.  
She stared at him and for a second he thought she would scold him, but as she bursted into tears, he was totally taken by surprise. He quickly hugged her, feeling how his shirt grew wetter and wetter.  
"Shhhh", he whispered. "What is it, love? Tell me ..."  
"Well, what do you think?!", Tarja screamed into his chest. "Don't you feel guilty at all?! Gosh, Tuo. You're married! And here I am, stealing you from her ..."  
"You're not stealing me. I'm coming on my own", Tuomas answered and caressed his love's jaw. "I love you."  
Tarja looked up to him, blue met green, and she smiled weakly. "I love you too."  
Tuomas hugged the woman tightly. "We have a problem ..."  
"We do", Tarja whispered and closed her eyes. "But let's not think about that now, let's just enjoy being with each other ..."

They kissed more this day, talked about everything, everything that happened in the past, everything that was about to happen in the future. They kissed again and cuddled more.  
At some point when Tuomas had bent down and started talking to Tarja's belly, the pregnant woman had almost started crying. Why couldn't it be easier?  
"Don't wonder if you'll get born and your mother cries ... She only cries lately ...", Tuomas mumbled and Tarja rolled her eyes.  
"Stop that", she muttered and Tuomas smiled up to her.  
"Laugh, sweetheart. There's no one here now to steal your good mood."  
"You are", Tarja answered with a frown. "You remind me of our night everyday."  
Tuomas only looked at her.  
"It shouldn't have happened", Tarja said emphatically and Tuomas shook his head.  
"You always say that but ... Look at it like this. We created a new life, Tari. You and I, Tarja. There will be a new human in this world soon, created by our love. He will be beautiful and talented like you and he will be so loved. I already love him and I know you do too ... A new human, Tarja. Created by us ..."  
Tarja only stared at his hands, which were still holding her belly protectively.  
"He?", she then whispered, tears running down her cheeks. "Is it going to be ...?"  
"A boy, yes", Tuomas whispered. "Didn't you know yet?"  
Tarja shook her head. "Oh my god ...", she whispered and looked up to the sky. "I knew it ... I ... I love him ..."  
Tuomas didn't say anything, he didn't want to interrupt her conversation with God.  
"I can't give him away", she then whispered and looked back at Tuomas. "Tuo, I - I was so wrong. I love this baby and I can't give it away!"  
Tuomas didn't respond, but now his own tears left wet stains on the collar of his shirt. Did that mean ...?  
Tarja brought her hands up to her belly and cupped the man's hands over it. "Let's go home ...", she said with a quiet voice which was barely louder than a whisper.

Later they couldn't remember how it had happened, they couldn't remember who had started undressing the other. Almost as in their night.  
Only Tarja knew that she never had had sex with someone who was as careful as Tuomas was, before.  
And only Tuomas knew that he had never made love to a pregnant woman before, that was why he had been very careful this time.  
They had made love slowly, as if it would have been their last time. But who knew? Maybe it was ...  
Now they laid in bed, arms wrapped around each other, looking at each other, not knowing what to say.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something went wrong last time I updated, the end was cut off, so I had to post chapter 10 again. So here it is... Once again.

"That was wrong."  
Tuomas said nothing.  
"Tuo, please answer me ...", Tarja begged and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
Tuomas looked away. I know it's wrong, my love ...  
"It was", he then whispered with a lump in his throat. "But now you will dump me once again and I will cry in the car and -"  
Tuomas got silenced by Tarja, who took his chin, turned his head and pressed her lips on his.  
Their lips melted together in a long and beautiful kiss, and as they pulled away, Tarja smiled sadly. "I love you so much", she whispered. "And I don't want to go on like this, because this is not healthy for your relationship. Tuomas ... You really have to decide between Johanna and me. And I'm begging you ... Don't decide for me only because I'm pregnant with your child ..."  
Tuomas shook his head. "I've already decided", he whispered and put his hands on Tarja's cheek.  
Tarja smiled carefully. "Is it me ...?"  
Tuomas only nodded and bent down to embrace her.  
Tarja laid her head down on his shoulder and smiled happily. He decided for me ...  
Tuomas' heart was beating madly. She wants me! She wants to start a life with me - for real now!! Oh damn, I'll have to tell Johanna ...  
They kissed for a last time before Tuomas left the house and walked to his car.  
Tarja stared after him with a smile until she heard the loud clearing of a throat behind her.  
"Tarja, Tarja, Tarja", the disappointed voice of her mother said and as Tarja turned around, she caught her mother leaning against the doorframe, shaking her head.  
"You watched us."  
Marjatta only continued shaking her head slowly.  
"Mother", Tarja said. "Tuomas wants me. Did you hear it?" She smiled. "He wants me. He will stay with me. He will divorce Johanna for me -"  
"I am so, so disappointed in you", Marjatta said quietly. "I'm happy for you sweetheart ... But I am so disappointed and ashamed of what I've created."  
And with those words she turned around and walked away.  
Tarja looked after her mother, finally realising what she had done.  
She hadn't only destroyed one, she had destroyed even two happy marriages, her own and Tuomas'.  
The black haired Finn sunk to the floor.  
She is right ... I should be ashamed. I should be disappointed as well. Oh god I'm such a slut ...  
This time she didn't start crying.  
But she covered her face in her hands and started thinking of a solution, even though it seemed hopeless.

Somewhere between Kitee and Helsinki, Tuomas felt safe enough to stop his car. He drove to the roadside and pulled his car keys, leaning back his head.  
He could feel how the tears ran down his cheeks, staining his beard, and that's why he had waited so long with crying.  
Because he didn't want to cry. He had cried so much before he had met Tarja, after she had married Marcelo, before he had kicked her out and long after he had kicked her out.  
One day he had sworn to himself not to cry again, but since Tarja was back he wasn't able to hold it back anymore.  
It was as if Tarja was waking his weak side, waking memories he rather wanted to forget again, waking the lonely poet, the ocean soul, he was.  
His head landed on the steering wheel as he started sobbing madly.  
He knew that everything would turn out to be okay, Tarja had told him that she wanted him.  
Tarja wanted him forever.  
But then there was Johanna ...  
Tuomas closed his eyes, trying to listen to his heart.  
He had shared so many and only beautiful memories with Johanna. He loved this crazy redhead, he loved her character, her looks, everything. She would do everything for him and was only supporting him, she never seemed to be angry at him, or jealous when he was on a tour and taking pictures with so many different girls, and she surely loved him with her heart. Tuomas knew that she was only good for him.  
And then there was Tarja ...  
She seemed so innocent, but she could be the devil. She was cute, but woe betide the one who said something against her. She could be cruel, if she didn't get what she wanted, and she knew what to do to get it (Tuomas gasped as he realised that she had done it again, she wanted him, and there he was, thinking about breaking up with his wife). They had fought. They had screamed at each other. She had been a horrible friend for him and he had been an even more horrible friend for her.  
Sure, the imagination of being together with this diva (Tuomas cursed himself as he referred Tarja as such again) had been beyond perfect, but now he suddenly started thinking why exactly he loved her.  
"Well, I've been in love with her since like forever", Tuomas mumbled to himself. "No matter that she sometimes seemed to hate me ... Boy, I can still remember the daggers she sometimes shot at me with her eyes ..."  
So now it seemed that the poet was in a big dilemma, torn between two women he loved.  
The first one was pregnant from him, his first love, but he doubted she was the one for him. The other, though ... She was his one and only, there was nothing more to say.  
But who does ever forget his first real love?  
Tuomas started the car and drove to Helsinki, determined to break up with the woman he was married to, for a singer who wasn't right for him.

He closed the door and entered the apartment. "Johanna? I'm sorry, I know it's late ..."  
He went quiet as he caught his wife sleeping on the couch.  
She was so, so beautiful.  
With a smile he bent down, realising that this would be harder than he had thought.  
With a swift move he lifted her up, carrying her into the bedroom.  
"Tuo ...?", Johanna mumbled, once he laid her down.  
"Hi, baby ... I'm sorry I'm so late, Tarja and I had so much to talk about ..."  
"Understandable", Johanna said with a yawn and pulled her husband down, capturing his lips.  
Tuomas closed his eyes. I can't do this, she is the right one, she is the love of my life, not Tarja ...  
He rolled her over and hugged her. "Jo?", he whispered against her lips.  
"Mhhh?"  
"I love you."

Tarja tried calling him a few times, but at eleven she gave up. He was already asleep, which probably meant that he hadn't talked to Johanna, because if he had, he would have called her back.  
Tarja didn't know what to think about it, so she just shrugged it off and went to bed.

June 5th

Tuomas called back in the morning and woke Tarja with that. Normally she would have been mad, but as she saw who was calling her, a smile formed in her face.  
"Hey, Love", she whispered as she answered.  
"Hi", Tuomas said and Tarja could hear that he was smiling as well. "How did you sleep?"  
"I slept fine", Tarja replied. "Though I would have slept better with you by my side ..."  
"Oh Tarja", Tuomas whispered back. "We have to talk ..."  
This was when the tears appeared in Tarja's eyes. She had known it. He had slept with her and now he would dump her. No. How unfair was that?? He loved her!  
"Can we meet next weekend?", Tuomas asked, but Tarja felt a sudden coldness in her chest.  
"Now or never", she said icily. "Shall I come?"  
"No, that's between you and me", Tuomas mumbled. "I'm coming."  
Tarja didn't answer, without another word she ended the call.  
So he had used her for one, no, even two nights and now he would dump her?! After she had told him she couldn't give the baby away, after she had told him that she needed him more than ever!!  
"Men!", Tarja hissed and threw her pillow at the door angrily, causing Naomi to wake up.  
"Mommy?", she mumbled.  
"Tuomas is coming over again, sweetie", Tarja huffed and Naomi cheered.  
"Is he my new daddy?", the girl asked and Tarja's heart stood still for a second. Then she smiled sadly.  
"You will never have a new daddy, baby", she whispered and kissed her daughter's head.

Tuomas arrived at lunch time, a kind of grumpy Marjatta opened the door. "Hello, Tuo", she huffed. "Guess who's in a terrible mood."  
"You?", Tuomas guessed and Marjatta sighed while he stepped inside.  
"And why?", she said. "Because Tarja is -", she went quiet, as a wave of Finnish swear words left the living room, reaching their ears.  
Tuomas went pale, knowing that he was the causer of her mood.  
And then she stood in front of him, her face red, her eyes red and puffy, but she was glaring at him.  
"Tell me how you decided", she hissed and Tuomas only had to say one word.  
"Johanna ..."  
Within a second Tarja was in front of him and after another break of a second, her hand landed on his cheek with a loud clap.  
Tuomas didn't react, he only stared to the floor, while Marjatta let out a shocked "Tarja!"  
"I thought you loved me!", Tarja yelled and broke together. "You told me more than once ... Tuomas ... I thought you wanted me, me and the baby ... Our son, Tuo ..."  
Tuomas bent down and wrapped his arms around the sobbing woman, ignoring the burning of his cheek.  
"I do love you", he whispered. "I do want you ... But I can't leave Johanna ... It's not right ..."  
Tarja didn't answer, she was too weak. She sunk against his body and Tuomas pulled her up, leading her to the living room. They sunk down on the couch, Tarja immediately laying her head on his chest. "Don't leave me", she begged weakly and Tuomas' heart broke.  
I thought this is right. I thought it's right to stay with Johanna but now I think it's the most wrong thing I can do ...  
"Tarja", he started, but her slim hand went up to shut his mouth.  
"You know that I've changed my mind, I won't give my son to Johanna and you", she said. "He'll stay with me and it's up to you if you will stay with us or her."  
Tuomas was shocked for a few seconds, and when he heard Marjatta's hiss out of the kitchen, he knew he hadn't understood her wrong.  
"Do you think you can blackmail me with that??", he shouted and pushed her away. "You can only have the baby if you choose me over her - Tarja, who are you??"  
Tarja looked at him wordlessly and Tuomas stood up with a shake of his head. "I'll drive home. I really have to think about it and I'll tell you - if I chose you it's not because of the baby. It's because of you, because I love you, but you know what? You haven't changed a bit. You're still the selfish diva who is used to get everything she wants. Good to know, that makes it easier. Think back of what happened last time!"  
And with those words he was gone. He even ignored Marjatta, who threw an invitation after him to stay for lunch, he needed to calm down.  
And though Tuomas normally was a slow and careful driver, this time he couldn't keep his rage inside.  
He drove as fast as possible, cursing Tarja loudly, cursing her behavior and the feelings he had for her, cursing the fact he had made love to her. Cursing their first and their second time. It wouldn't happen again, of that he was sure.  
"FUCK!", he swore, tears of anger blocking his sight.  
Now she was keeping their baby, their son, thinking he would stay with her if she threatened him with something like that.  
He wiped his tears away and swore again, but as he opened his eyes, he screamed.  
A car was coming up to him so fast, that he had almost no time to react. He turned the steering wheel and drove back to the right lane, but the other driver wasn't fast enough to react.  
He crashed right into the side of Tuomas' car, who's head hit the steering wheel. Last thing he realised was how his car twirled around, and then everything went black.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could you please read chapter 10 again? Something went wrong last time I updated and you better read it again, or you might get confused now. Thank you :)

June 5th

"I am so ashamed of you!", Marjatta shouted and Tarja dropped her fork.  
"What??"  
"How could you do that, how could you say that?? Are you insane?!"  
"Insane!", Naomi blabbed. "What's insane?"  
Tarja and Marjatta ignored the girl and continued their conflict.  
"Why am I insane?? I mean it, mum! Tuomas told me what the baby's going to be and now I can't give it away! I love them, mother, I love Tuomas and I love our son!"  
Marjatta's eyes softened a little as Tarja told her about her future grandson, but then she glared at the younger Finn.  
"But that's just mean. You can't threaten him with that. Didn't the talk with Teuvo open your eyes??"  
"It did, it made me realise I love Tuomas", Tarja huffed and Naomi giggled.  
"Love ... Tuo ... But mommy, who doesn't love him? He's a honey!"  
Tarja smiled at her daughter, but Marjatta's clear of her throat made her look back at her mother.  
"What?!"  
"I am so ashamed", Marjatta said coldly. "Imagine if he decides for you now, but only because of the baby. One day he will stop loving you but he will stay with you because of your baby and he will start hating you, because he will know he has dumped his one and only true love for you, the woman he kicked out because of her unpleasant character -"  
"Stop ...", Tarja whispered.  
"Because of the fact that he couldn't deal with you anymore."  
"STOP!", Tarja screamed and stood up. "HE LOVES ME AND SO DO I, SO IF HE DECIDES FOR ME, HE WON'T STOP LOVING ME! WHY WOULD HE HATE ME?? WHY?!"  
Tarja clenched her belly, her face blurred. "I ... I was his first love ..."  
"Tarja, breathe", Marjatta was on her side immediately, putting her hands on her daughter's belly. "Calm down ... I'm sorry for what I said. Calm down ..."  
Tarja was breathing fast, tears were streaming down her cheeks. "I hate my life!", she sobbed and Marjatta embraced her.  
"I'm sorry ... I shouldn't have said that", she apologised, but deep inside Tarja knew that her mother was right.  
Tuomas had hated her once, well, at least he had despised her enough to kick her out of their band. Maybe he could do it again ...  
Tarja didn't want to think about it further, without another word she continued eating.

Later in the afternoon she had laid herself down on the couch for a rest, absent mindedly her hand crawled over her baby bump. She was thinking of names for her son, and there was only one name she connected feelings to, somehow ...  
Tuomas ...  
"Little Tuomas ...", Tarja whispered with a smile and the baby gave her an approving kick. "Like it, huh? Like your name?", Tarja said gently. "Tuomas junior."  
A soft "Ahem" made her look up.  
"Mother?"  
"Is your phone off?"  
"It is mother, why?"  
Marjatta handed her her own phone, a serious expression in her face. Tarja took it.  
"Turunen?"  
"Tarja, can I talk to Tuomas?"  
Tarja almost dropped the phone when she recognised the voice. "Johanna? I'm sorry but Tuomas already drove home a while ago. Hasn't he arrived yet?"  
"No?", Johanna said unsure. "Wait ... Tuomas!", she called and Tarja could hear how she walked through the house. "I haven't heard him coming home so I thought he was still with you. But no, he's not here."  
"Then he must be with the guys", Tarja said, but Johanna only replied with a "Hm."  
"Doesn't he answer his phone?", Tarja asked and Johanna negated. "Maybe he stopped for a snack, damn, I don't know, Johanna!"  
"Well thanks for nothing", Johanna huffed and ended the call.  
Tarja stared at her mother's mobile phone shocked. "What was that?!"  
She handed her mother her phone back. "She just ended the call!"  
"Maybe she knows something?", Marjatta said and Tarja nodded slowly.  
"Could be ..."  
After that incident, Tarja switched on her phone again and had to see that Johanna had tried to call her more than ten times.  
But there was another call ... A call from Tuomas, only a few minutes ago. Tarja quickly dialled back and her eyes widened when a foreign voice answered.  
"Hello?"  
"Hello - Turunen here. Ehm - Tuomas ...?"  
"Are you Mr. Holopainen's wife?", the voice asked and Tarja grew pale.  
"N - no his - girlfriend", she whispered, while she clenched the phone.  
"Well your boyfriend is currently getting a check-up, he has hit his head pretty badly in the accident."  
Tarja closed her eyes. An accident? My god, this is my fault ...  
"I'm ... I'm coming. Where is he?"  
The doctor told Tarja in which hospital she could find her 'boyfriend' and then she tumbled into the kitchen.  
"Tari?", Marjatta asked a little shocked as she spotted her pale daughter, who was now mumbling something about Tuomas and an accident.  
Marjatta didn't hesitate, she grabbed Naomi and Tarja and almost pulled them to the car.

"Tuomas Holopainen", Marjatta said and the nurse looked at the two women.  
"Relationship?", she asked.  
"I'm his girlfriend", Tarja immediately answered and Marjatta had to suppress a hiss.  
"Okay miss, come with me. And you can stop shaking, he's alright."  
Tarja asked her mother to look after Naomi while she walked after the nurse, who lead her to a room in the first floor.  
Tuomas was lying on his bed, his eyes closed, a bandage was wrapped around his head and his left arm was in a cast.  
"Oh vittu ...", Tarja whispered and Tuomas opened his eyes.  
"Tarja ...", he said weakly.  
Tarja was by his side within a second, she knelt down and took his hand. "What happened to you, my Love?"  
Tuomas smiled at Tarja. She was here, she alone was here for him. And she loved him - wasn't that what he had always wanted?  
"My left arm is broken and I have a light head trauma, but nothing bad. I had a good guardian angel ..."  
"Oh, Tuomas!", Tarja called and hid her face in her hands. "You drove too fast, right? Because of me ... Because of our fight ..."  
"It's not your fault, honey", Tuomas said gently and stroke Tarja's head with his healthy arm. "I cried while I was driving, so I am the one to blame. Did you reach Johanna?"  
"She reached me", Tarja said and then she told Tuomas how unfriendly the redhead had been. "Does she know something?"  
"I didn't tell her a word", Tuomas said and Tarja nodded. She knew that.  
"You should call her, though", Tarja said and Tuomas nodded.  
"Later", he whispered. "Now I wanna be with you ..."  
They smiled at each other, before Tarja stood up and leaned over him to kiss him.

Tarja stayed with Tuomas for an hour. Their fight seemed to be forgotten and only the love they harboured for each other seemed to matter right now.  
"I call him Tuomas at the moment", Tarja told Tuomas and stroke her belly. "I don't know why but you're the father, so it seems accurate to me."  
"That's an honour for me", Tuomas answered with a smile, his hand on Tarja's belly as well.  
"As soon as we're parents we can think of another name", Tarja said carefully. "If you want to ..."  
Tuomas didn't answer, he didn't want to start a new fight. Instead of that he caressed her baby bump.  
"Tuomas Turunen", he mumbled and Tarja giggled.  
"Sounds as if you and I were married."  
Tuomas smiled weakly and then he leaned back and closed his eyes.  
Tarja observed him with an aching heart. "Are you in pain?", she asked gently and Tuomas nodded. "Can I bring you something? Painkillers? I could ask a nurse to -"  
"Tarja", Tuomas interrupted her. "The pain I'm in can't be killed with painkillers."  
"Oh", Tarja whispered, getting the hint. He felt a different kind of lovesickness - this lovesickness you feel when you're torn between two people. You love both of them, but you love both of them in a different way. You don't want to hurt either of them, but still you can't manage to decide for one of them. That's why you hurt both of them without wanting it, in Tuomas' case he hurt Tarja because he was staying with Johanna and he hurt Johanna because he was cheating on her with Tarja.  
"Tari", Tuomas then started. "What if we do it that way we wanted to? You give the baby to Johanna and me and go back to Marcelo?"  
For a few seconds it was so quiet, that Tuomas believed he had gotten deaf.  
And then she cried, "What??"  
"He's your husband -", Tuomas tried to calm her down, but Tarja stood up and started pacing through the hospital room.  
"He wanted me to abort our son, you lunatic man", she tried to explain to him in a calm voice.  
"But only because he's my son as well", Tuomas defended Marcelo (Tarja would have never thought that this was possible). "If he wasn't my son but a stranger's, he would have been okay with raising him. That's why I think he'll take you back as soon as the little one's born."  
"I think so too", Tarja said and finally stopped pacing. Her eyes met Tuomas and both Finns didn't notice how the door went open. "There's only one problem", Tarja said. "I won't give the baby to Johanna and you, no matter if Marcelo wants me back or not."  
The gasp from the door made them turn around and both their hearts stopped beating for a second as they realised that Johanna was standing underneath the doorframe, her eyes widened in shock.  
Again the silence was deafening, but this time it was Johanna who broke it.  
"You will - you will keep the baby?"  
"I'm sorry", Tarja mumbled but Johanna shook her head and closed the door. "Why? I mean it's sad, sure, but it's your baby. You can do what you want, I'm not allowed to stop you from keeping it. If you want a baby, Tuo, we'll find another way." She smiled encouraging and not for the first time Tuomas felt a wave of overwhelming love towards the redhead.   
But then her smile froze. "And what the hell happened to you?? Are you crazy?!"  
"I only drove a little too fast", Tuomas defended himself, not wanting to tell her that he had cried while driving. "Who informed you?"  
"Marjatta", Johanna answered and Tarja felt a stinging pain in her heart. Betrayed by her own mother ...  
"Well I'll - I'll go", Tarja said and headed towards the door. "Text me", she said to no one specific and the other two threw a quick "Goodbye" after her.  
Tarja walked back to the lobby as fast as she could, trying to forget the fact that she had ruined everything.  
"Mother!", she called as soon as she saw her. "How dare you? Why have you called Johanna?!"  
Marjatta observed her daughter with a despising look. "Because I know that you try to win over him. Stop doing that, Tarja, you're not his girlfriend, he's married."  
Tarja clenched her fists, but instead of screaming at her mother, she replied calmly,  
"You're right. I'm not his girlfriend. But as long as he loves me too, I will do everything to make him choose for me."

In the hospital room, Johanna had placed herself next to her husband. "Did you know that Tarja won't give us her baby?", she asked softly.  
"I knew, that's why I drove to her today again", Tuomas half lied. "I wanted to talk to her, but it seemed hopeless and it still does."  
"But why does she want to keep him all of a sudden?", Johanna asked and Tuomas sighed.  
"That's partly my fault. I didn't know that she didn't know the baby's gender ..."  
"So you told her and now she loves him", Johanna stated.  
"She already has a name", Tuomas said weakly. "She wants to call him Tuomas ..."  
"Oh my god, how cute is that??", Johanna said happily and squeezed her husband's hand. "He's naming her son after you! I'd be so honoured if I was you!"  
Tuomas smiled at his wife.  
Right now it seemed all to logic and clear to him with whom he should stay. It was good the way it was, so why throwing it away for a life and relationship that probably wouldn't work anyway?


	12. Chapter 12

June, 23rd 2016

Pregnancy week 20

Tarja had driven to Helsinki to buy some things for baby Tuomas. Socks, a blanket, more clothes, sleepers and a jacket, and soon Tarja was breathing heavily while she went through the streets of the shopping lane, a frown on her face. Marjatta had declined to go with her, now she could carry all the bought baby things for herself. Tarja muttered a bunch of Spanish swear words under her breath and moaned madly as someone called her name.  
"Tarja! Tarja! Look to me! I'm over here, Tarja Turunen!"  
She glared at the man who was shooting a picture of her carrying the bags all alone. "May I take a picture with you?"  
Tarja sighed but then she agreed, placing down her bags.  
The younger man placed himself next to her, while his friend held up the phone to take a picture.  
Tarja tried to smile, but it froze as she felt a hand on her stomach.  
"Put - your hand - away", she hissed and the man took his hand away as the daggers that shot out of her eyes seemed to kill him.  
"Wow, calm down", he said. "I didn't want to rape you."  
Tarja's eyes were full of fury as she hissed at the man, not knowing that his friend was recording everything. "Well, I do hope so for you or will never see daylight again."  
"Geez, why would I want to rape you?", the man said and lifted up his hands. Honestly, he would never rape his favourite singer!  
"Why wouldn't you?", Tarja asked sweetly. "But not with me, sweetheart. One unwanted baby is enough."  
The man didn't answer, he was too baffled from her words.  
Tarja grabbed her bags and hurried away, while the man turned to his friend. "Did you hear that?"  
The other man nodded. "Tarja got raped and I have a proof that she said it", he said and pressed play, causing his phone to repeat every word she had said.

"Hey pregnant lady, let me help you!", a sudden voice called after Tarja a few minutes later. Tarja groaned and walked on, without turning around.  
"Tarja!", he called and Tarja started walking faster.  
'Please no fan, please no fan ...'  
She screamed as the person grabbed one of her bags, but as she turned around she gasped.  
The man grinned down at her, his unmistakable beard trembling as he laughed.  
"M - Marco!", she breathed and the tall blonde pulled her in a careful hug.  
"Tarja, Tarja, Tarja ...", he said in a light scolding tone, but as he pulled back, he was smiling at her.  
Later they were sitting in a small café, Tarja clenching a cup of tea, Marco a glass of beer. After they had given an autograph to the very nervous waitress and another guest, they were left alone at last.  
"So ... How's Tuo? I haven't heard about him for more than two weeks", Tarja said carefully.  
"Well, his arm is broken, which means he can't play", Marco said and Tarja sighed. "He mostly sits around and talks to no one. He looks a little depressed, if you ask me ..."  
"I caused that", Tarja mumbled and Marco nodded.  
"He has told us why it happened. And that you will keep your baby ..."  
"He can't keep anything for himself, huh?", Tarja huffed and then sighed. "I feel guilty because I'm causing so much unhappiness inside that poor man. Our first time shouldn't have happened, but even more I regret our second time."  
Marco didn't answer first, but then he laughed. "Good joke. Cheers, Tarja." And he took a big sip from his beer.  
"Eh", Tarja said confused. "Joke?"  
"That you slept with him twice", Marco chuckled, but his chuckle slowly died as Tarja kept looking at him with a serious expression on her face. "That - that was no joke?", Marco asked and his eyes widened.  
"Nope", Tarja said dryly. "We did it again. Almost three weeks ago, a day before he had his accident."  
"Holy moly."  
The two Finns stared at each other without a word, then Marco smiled. "How was it?"  
Tarja turned her head, trying to hide a blush.   
"Marco", she mumbled. "I can't talk about it ..."  
"Why not? I'm your friend!"  
"Do you even know what's going on?", Tarja whispered and leaned forward. "Tuomas has to choose between Johanna and me now!"  
"Well, truth be told - I'm not surprised", Marco said with raised eyebrows. "He still loves you. But still it's hard to imagine that he could cheat on Johanna. Again."  
Tarja pressed her lips together.  
"So he cheated twice on her in sum, both times with you", Marco went on. "First time, the evening before he married, second time when he was already married and you pregnant -"  
"Okay okay, you can stop!", Tarja said and sighed. "I know it was wrong ... All of that. I know I should just - I should avoid Tuomas and Johanna until I press out the baby and then I should grab Namu and go back to Marcelo -"  
"No", Marco interrupted her and Tarja stared at him.  
"No?"  
"Don't go back to him", Marco said softly. "I know you still love him and I'm sure that he loves you and misses you more than anything. I've followed the news a little and he's in not a single interview. He doesn't spread rumours about you, so I guess he doesn't want revenge. But Tarja ... He wanted you to abort the baby, only because it's from Tuomas ..."  
"But my fans know that this baby is not from Marcelo -", Tarja started but Marco interrupted her again.  
"And you think Marcelo was the one to spread this rumour? Please, Tarja. Not a single sane man in this world would spread the news that his wife cheated on him so openly. Maybe your gynecologist did blab?"  
"You know everything, don't you?", Tarja sighed and then she shook her head. "I don't think he said a word."  
"Or your fans just figured?", Marco went on. "They're not stupid, Tarja. You get pregnant and suddenly you leave your husband - that almost screams cheating."  
Tarja stared at her fingernails. "So what shall I do now?"  
"You should listen to your heart", Marco said gently and placed his hand on the pregnant woman's shoulder. "And if your heart tells you to keep the baby, then nothing speaks against it."  
Tarja smiled up at her bearded friend, but he wasn't done yet.  
"But tell me, Tarja ... Does your heart tell you to take Tuomas away from Johanna?", he asked and the black haired frowned.  
"No ...", she whispered. "It tells me not to ... It tells me to stop making Tuo cheat on his wife ..."  
"Then why don't you listen to it?", Marco asked lowly and Tarja let her eyes rest on her mug.  
"I will. Now I will, I can't go on hurting him like that. He deserves happiness and he is happy with her." She sighed and Marco smiled lightly. He had known that he would be able to help her with sorting out her thoughts.  
"So you will –?", he started, smiling at the depressed woman encouraging.  
"I will avoid Tuomas and Johanna just as I should and I will give birth to the baby ... But I will keep it. Then I'll move back to Finland permanently and I'll ... Maybe I'll look for a new work, like singing teacher or something."  
"What?", Marco asked confused. "Wait. No! Do you mean you'll give up your career?"  
"I've had a wonderful career", Tarja said with a smile. "I've been a singer for more than twenty years, and if I stop now, I can say with proudness that I'm happy about how my career went."  
"But stop singing??"  
"I won't stop singing", Tarja said. "I'll just stop giving concerts, producing CDs, ..."  
"You're crazy", Marco said with a shake of his head. "You have so many fans! You're so successful! You're on the top of your career!"  
Tarja avoided the blonde's eyes. "I know ... But Marco, I'll soon have another baby. And I'll be a single mother, I already am! My mother won't be there forever, and I have no man to support me. I can't go on like this."  
Marco massaged his temples. "Listen Tarja - I have to go back to the studio. Can I call you tonight? Or do you have time tomorrow?"  
"You could visit me in Kitee", Tarja suggested and Marco nodded.  
"I'll be there at lunch time", he said and Tarja laughed.  
"No surprise", she said and Marco grinned.  
"You know me."

"I've just met Tarja", Marco said as he entered the studio.  
"Is that why you're so late?", Tuomas asked with a huff.  
His arm was still in a cast and he couldn't move it. He would have to wear it another three weeks, then he would have to let the doctors check on it to decide if he could get rid of it or not. And then he would probably need physical therapy, otherwise he would never be able to play the piano again.  
And that was one of the reasons he was always in a bad mood lately, the possibility that there was a chance that his playing would be limited, and the fact that he had cheated om Johanna again.  
"She carried all her shopping bags alone", Marco informed him, but Tuomas didn't even look up. He played a song on his keyboard, with one hand, but Marco still recognised it.  
Ever Dream ...  
Tuomas tried hard not to cry in front of his bandmate. It was all too much for him. The feelings he had for Tarja were too overwhelming, but he knew that he should better stay with Johanna. And of course he wanted to stay with Johanna, but also he didn't want to hurt Tarja. If he only could have both somehow ... If he'd been a sheik it would've been possible.  
"My love ... it lies so deep ...", he mumbled while he played the melody with his healthy hand. "Ever dream of me ... Come out, come out wherever you are ... So lost in your sea ..."  
He bent forward, making his long hair fall in front his face to cover the tears that rolled down his face.  
"Don't cheat on her again", Marco said softly and then he turned around and left.  
"Give in, give in for my touch, for my taste ... for my lust", Tuomas whispered and then he broke together on his keyboard, shaken from sobs.

—

June, 30th 2016

Pregnancy week 21

Tarja was surfing through the internet again. Her biggest hobby had grown to be stalking fans and their opinion about her adultery.  
Luckily some fans didn't hesitate to post their opinions openly, and Tarja figured out that many of them were standing behind her.  
She mainly stalked fan pages and since there were a lot of them, she got a lot to read. Until she found an old picture of Tuomas and herself ... With an aching heart she started to read the comments and gasped.  
Person 1: 'They're so cute, my god!!'  
Person 2: 'I'm nearly dying here!'  
Person 1: 'Me too, I ship them so much!'  
Person 2: 'Same. I hope they'll find together again.'  
Person 3: 'Damn, the feels are killing me. And I still believe that he's the father of the second baby.'  
Tarja's eyes widened.  
Person 1: 'We'll find out soon enough.'  
Person 3: 'Then the baby would be a god!'  
Person 4: 'Totally! Not that I don't like Tuomas and Johanna, but them two are even cuter. They are made for each other! Tuorja forever!'  
Tarja closed the window, her heart beating madly.  
She had seen enough.  
So, fans thought of her and Tuomas as a cute couple? Interesting ... Tarja knew that there were Fanfictions about them, but she didn't know that there still were 'hardcore shippers', as she thought of them ...  
A scream ripped her out of her thoughts and as her mother entered her room, everything was forgotten within a second. Marjatta looked pale while she clenched a sheet of paper.  
"What is this?", Tarja asked and her mother handed her the sheet.  
Tarja grabbed it and while her eyes flew over the lines, she started shaking.  
"No", she whispered, finally that she was done reading. "No, mother, no ... He can't do this, no ..."  
And then the sheet slowly sailed down as Tarja covered her face in her hands, her body shaking madly as the tears broke out of her eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

June 30th

"Tuomas, your phone is vibrating", Emppu informed the keyboarder. "Someone is calling."  
"Who?", Tuomas asked, but Emppu shrugged.  
"An unknown number."  
"Could you pick up?"  
Emppu looked at the phone before he picked up. "Holopainen?"  
He was looking confused for a while and then he ripped open his eyes. "Tarja??"  
Within a single second it was completely quiet in the studio.  
"Sorry, Tarja, I don't know what you're talking about - wait." He put the phone down. "Tuomas? It's Tarja. And she's ... she's crying."  
All eyes went to Tuomas, who seemed helpless. "Give me the phone", he mumbled and took it from Emppu with his healthy hand. "Tarja?"  
Tarja was crying indeed, but this time it sounded really bad. She was sobbing so heartbroken, Tuomas was sure that someone had died.  
"Tari!", Tuomas whispered. "What happened, my love? We'll find a solution, no matter what."  
"If only someone could only love me the way Tuomas loves her", Floor sighed.  
"Tell me", Tuomas whispered again and finally Tarja said something, or better, she sobbed something.  
"He - he's ta-king - her f - from m - me ..." She seemed to get shaken by sobs.  
"What?", Tuomas asked and sunk on the floor, even though he could already imagine what she was talking about ...  
"Marcelo is taking Naomi away from me", Tarja sobbed and Tuomas' thoughts got certified.  
"Hold on, darling, I'm on my way to you", he said through gritted teeth and ended the call, before he looked at his band mates apologetically. "Could someone of you drive me to Kitee?"

Marjatta opened them, her eyes puffy. "Hello Tuomas", she said quietly and stepped aside to let him and his companion in. "You must be Floor?", she said and offered her hand to the tall woman.  
"Yes, hello", Floor answered in Finnish and took the elder woman's hand. "Mrs Turunen?"  
"Marjatta Turunen", Tarja's mother answered and nodded. "Please come in. Tarja is upstairs ..."  
"Is Naomi here?", Floor asked and Marjatta nodded again.  
"She's in the living room."  
Tuomas and Floor quickly looked at each other and within a second and without exchanging words, they had decided what to do. Tuomas passed Tarja's mother, heading upstairs, while Floor asked if she could see the little girl she hadn't seen in months.  
Tuomas didn't bother to knock, he quietly entered, finding Tarja lying on her back.  
On the floor.  
Her face was motionless and her eyes were bound to the ceiling.  
It hurt Tuomas, seeing her like that. "Why are you lying on the floor? Isn't that uncomfortable?", he asked and Tarja answered without looking at him.  
"Yes but I'm too lazy to stand up ..."  
"Oh, Tari", Tuomas sighed and sunk down on his knees right next to her.  
"The letter is there", she mumbled and lifted her hand a little, making Tuomas pull it out of her hand.  
"That's in Spanish", he noted and Tarja sighed, slowly starting translating, without looking at the text. She must have read it too often in the last two hours ...  
"Dear Mrs Turunen-Cabuli, I wanted to point out the fact that you left your husband without a word and took his daughter with you without saying a word, which is inappropriate, since he is a part of a legal parent and has the same right to see her as you do. Mr Cabuli required the sole custody for her, for which he has every right to. Your daughter will go back to her father temporarily, until either him or you win the court case. I'm asking you for a quick response concerning the court.  
Sincerely, Alejandro Garcia, lawyer, Buenos Aires, Argentina."  
As she ended, it was quiet for a few minutes.  
Then Tuomas took her hand. "Have you called Marcelo already?"  
"I did", Tarja said dryly. "But it's lunchtime in Buenos Aires, I don't think he's available now. I guess he'll call me back."  
"Want me to stay with you?", Tuomas asked gently and Tarja sighed.  
"You know that I do, and you also know that it's wrong."  
Tuomas nodded softly. "Then I'll stay with you until he calls back and then I'll go down."  
Tarja nodded, her eyes still drawn to the ceiling. Tuomas bent over her and locked their eyes, his long, wavy hair fell down and built a curtain around their faces. "Are you okay?", he asked and brought his hand up to her shoulder, gently caressing it.  
"I'm thinking about a solution", Tarja whispered. "The judges will take her away from me, Namu will go back to her father. Sure, they have the right to see each other, but is it fair that I have to give my daughter away only because I am pregnant? As if it would be too much for me, raising two children. I know I don't have a husband, but that's only Marcelo's fault. Okay, I cheated on him, but if he just jumped over his shadow and stopped caring about the fact that this baby is yours ... I would take him back immediately."  
Tuomas secretly admired her strength. She had obviously stopped crying and also it seemed she had made up her mind about whose fault it was. Tuomas smiled lightly, of course it was Marcelo's fault, he was the one who had let her decide between if she would abort the baby or leave.  
"You'd take him back?", Tuomas asked carefully and pulled back his head.   
"If he comes to me robbing on his knees, begging for me to take him back, begging for forgiveness ... Yes, then I'd probably take him back."  
Tuomas smiled again, very aware of that Marcelo Cabuli wouldn't do that. He didn't know him good, but that he knew, after all he was the dupe.

They sat side by side, not really talking, until the sound of someone calling on Skype interrupted the silence. Tarja sat up and pulled her laptop close, while she shot a look at Tuomas.  
Go, it said, but Tuomas didn't leave the room. Instead of that he placed himself behind the laptop, so Marcelo wouldn't see him.  
"You won't understand anything anyway", Tarja sighed and Tuomas shrugged.  
With shivering hands, Tarja accepted the call. "Marcelo?"  
"Tarja", Marcelo said softly and pain filled her heart. "How are you?"  
"Well, I have to give away my daughter, so not very good", Tarja shot back.  
"You don't have to give her away", Marcelo said and Tarja pressed her lips together. "Come back to me ..."  
"Oh, suddenly?", Tarja huffed. "What about the baby? It's too late to abort him."  
"Him?"  
"Tuomas junior", Tarja said dryly and grinned as the pain was written all over his face, while Tuomas smiled, his heart filled with love for the black haired woman.  
Marcelo sighed. "It still hurts, but I love you so much. I need to have you back, I don't care about the baby's real father, even if it's Tuomas. But if you don't want me back ..."  
Tarja didn't answer. He really didn't care anymore? And he wanted her back?  
"When would the date of the court be?", she asked, knowing that these kind of things lasted long to settle.  
"November twenty-fifth in Buenos Aires", Marcelo answered and Tarja's thought got certified.  
"Thanks for telling me", she said. "I will call you again when I'm ready to decide."  
Marcelo nodded, a suffering expression in his eyes. "Bye, Tarja. I love you ..."  
Tarja shut the laptop without answering and looked at Tuomas.  
"He said he loved you", he noted and Tarja nodded.  
"He told me more than that ... Wait, I'll tell you." And she placed herself on the floor again, crossing her hands over her baby bump. Tuomas sat down next to her again, his fingers entwined with hers over her swollen belly.  
They spent minutes only looking at each other and caressing each other, talking quietly. Tuomas didn't dare to kiss her, somehow he still regretted what had happened last time as they had kissed.  
"Tuomas?", Tarja whispered at some point and Tuomas smiled.  
"Yes, Tarja?", he whispered back.  
"Would you be angry if I'd go back to Argentina? Not for the court but ... Back to Marcelo?"  
Tuomas didn't answer first but then he shook his head. "No, of course not. No, not at all. Why would I be angry?"  
He didn't sound happy about it though, so Tarja sighed. "You're angry ..."  
"I am not", Tuomas said. "I'm only disappointed. I'll miss you."  
"And you're not happy with the fact that I'll go back to him."  
"Of course not", Tuomas finally sighed. "He was the one who asked you to abort our baby!"  
"It's so complicated", Tarja sighed and closed her eyes. "And we made it even more complicated with sleeping with each other a second time. I can't figure out whom I love more, you or Marcelo. But since you're married to Johanna, it's quite easy." Tarja looked up to Tuomas, remembering Marco's advice and quietly apologising to him. "You'll choose Johanna, I'll choose Marcelo and the two of us will never do something we would regret again. I'll go back to Buenos Aires, forgetting over the court since I'll go back, and I'll get our baby. No one will ever figure out who the real father is. Deal?"  
Tuomas agreed, his heart broken into pieces. "Deal", he whispered.

But still Tuomas didn't get it. Marcelo had threatened to make her abort the baby or throw her out, Tuomas knew that he was the villain in this story.  
"Can I help you?", Tuomas asked and entered the kitchen, catching Marjatta cooking the dinner.  
"Thank you, Tuomas." Marjatta smiled, it was like old times. "But no need to, just stay with me a little."  
Tuomas leaned against the freezer and closed his eyes. "I can't believe it", he whispered and Marjatta shook her head.  
"Me neither. What is she going to do?"  
"I have the feeling that she'll go back to Argentina", Tuomas mumbled and Marjatta nodded.  
"This will be the best, I think. Imagine how costly and complicated a divorce would be. And imagine how you would suffer as well, she would want to stay with you ... Just imagine how Johanna would suffer from it!"  
"I guess you're right", Tuomas sighed. "But still, I can't simply watch her going back to the man who threw her out because she's pregnant with my baby."  
"You're still the same", Marjatta said with a smile. "Way too good for the world."  
"I am not, I cheated on Johanna. Twice."  
Marjatta let go of her pan and walked over to the taller man, embracing him. "But you love, you unconditionally love. You're not a bad human, Tuo. Cheating on someone doesn't make you a bad human, sure, it's not good at all. You may be ashamed now and that's good, that makes you regret it and this will prevent your next time. I don't want to scold you because you slept with my daughter -" Marjatta shivered a little, still not getting used to that thought, "twice ... But Tuomas, don't forget that you loved her. For years! You came to me, telling me how much you still love her. So I can't and won't scold you."  
"I still love her", Tuomas mumbled and hugged the elder woman back.  
"I know, sweetheart. And I shouldn't say that, but she loves you too. How couldn't she, though? You're the perfect material for a boyfriend and husband. And also for a father."  
"Aw, thank you. You help me so much more than my mother does", Tuomas chuckled a little embarrassed.  
"Do you want to stay for dinner?", Marjatta asked as she let go and Tuomas nodded.  
"If I may?"  
"Sure you may, and so does Floor."  
Tuomas smiled thankfully.  
"Do you think I could also stay the night?"  
"In this case you have to ask Tarja if you may", Marjatta asked with a shrug.


	14. Chapter 14

July first

In the middle of the night, Tuomas woke up because someone next to him was moving.  
Half asleep, he cuddled himself against his wife and embraced her, his hand slowly trailing down.  
He stopped at the bulge of her pregnant belly and caressed it ... Wait - pregnant?  
Tuomas pulled his hand away.  
"Tarja?"  
"Can I sleep here this night? I had a nightmare ..."  
Tuomas was confused for a second, but then he remembered where he was - in the guest room of the Turunen-house.  
"Sure", he whispered and pulled the pregnant woman close. "What did you dream?"  
"Naomi was taken away from me", Tarja whispered back. "Then I got the baby and somehow you managed to take him away from me as well ... You and Tuomas and Johanna lived happily ever after and I was alone forever. I died of drugs and no one was at my funeral besides my brothers, my parents were already dead. And I wasn't remembered, everyone sold the CDs they had and after a few years I wasn't even important to be mentioned ..."  
Tarja started sobbing madly as she was done with the story, and once again Tuomas' heart ached. Wow ...  
"How can you even dream that? I'd never take Tuomas away from you if you don't want to give him away, you know that. You know that I love you too much to hurt you in any way ... I think your pregnancy hormones are just overreacting a little."  
"Guess you're right", Tarja sniffed and buried her face in Tuomas' chest. "Thank you for being here ..."  
"No problem, Siren", Tuomas whispered while he trailed his index finger up and down the woman's spine.

A shocked "I can't believe it!" awoke both of them and they sat up, catching Marjatta standing in the doorframe of the guest room, staring at the cuddling couple in the bed with wide opened eyes. "Not again!", the woman moaned, but the younger Finns shook their heads.  
"Nothing happened!", Tuomas said.  
"I had a nightmare and needed him", Tarja defended themselves and Marjatta just sighed. "Believe me, mother", Tarja tried again. "See? I'm dressed ..."  
"Just get your ass out of his bed", Tarja's mother said weakly and turned around. "By the way, Namu is looking for you."  
"Damn", Tarja mumbled and got out of the bed, a wave of nausea washing over her. She pressed her hand in front of her mouth as she could feel how it slowly welled up her gullet.  
Tuomas watched his - what was she even? His girlfriend? Anyway, Tuomas watched the mother of his baby run to the bathroom and sunk back into the bed. Right now he wished for nothing more than being married with her and being the father of her baby legally.  
It was a steady up and down, only yesterday he had missed Johanna madly, and a few hours later he laid in bed with another woman, cuddling with her, wishing she could be his wife.  
Tuomas felt bad about it but hey, at least he hadn't cheated on Johanna again.  
Tuomas bit his lip. What a weak try to kill the bad conscience ...

A little later they were sitting at the breakfast table, listening to the radio, all of them remaining quiet.  
Tarja wasn't in the mood to talk, while Tuomas didn't dare to. Marjatta wanted to, rather wanted to yell at them, but she had no strength anymore. She knew it wasn't worth it, they wouldn't listen to her anyway. The best would be if Tarja took Naomi and went back to South America ... She had thought she could support or help them in any way, but now she knew that they couldn't even help themselves.  
After a while she cleared her throat. "Tuomas, could you escort Tarja to Helsinki later?"  
Tuomas looked at Marjatta in surprise. "Sure - why?"  
"I have an appointment with Dr Kettonen", Tarja said dryly and glared at her mother. "And I'm able to go by myself!"  
"But I won't let you drive with the car, Tuomas can't drive because of his broken arm, and since Tuomas has to go back later anyway, it's only logic that you go by train together."  
"Mother - I am not a baby!", Tarja said angrily.  
"But you're getting one, so what will happen if you break together while driving the car? Or in the train - who will help you?"  
Tarja clenched her knife, and if Tuomas would be at Marjatta's place right now, he would have ran away. Fast. This was the Tarja who was able to kill.  
But Marjatta didn't even look as if she was afraid, she was only staring back.  
Tarja lost the silent mother-daughter fight, which surprised Tuomas. Tarja let her knife fall and stood up.  
A fight like this between her and Tuomas would have ended like this for him:  
Him lying on the floor, the end of Tarja's knife sticking out of his shoulder.  
But Marjatta obviously could handle that crazy woman.  
"Let's go?", he said gently.  
"Now?", Tarja asked a little doubting and Tuomas nodded.  
"We could eat somewhere ..."  
"OLO?", Tarja asked with a smile and Tuomas' cheeks reddened.  
"Probably", he answered and Tarja giggled, taking his hand.  
"I'd love to, but only if you invite us", she said and put her hand over her belly.  
"Of course", Tuomas said softly.  
"Okay, then first let me go upstairs and get ready. Mother, have and eye on Namu, would you?"  
"What else?", Marjatta sighed and looked at the young girl, who was watching television in awe (Tuomas wondered if she understood everything she heard in the cartoon).  
Tarja went upstairs and Tuomas smiled at Marjatta, who rolled her eyes and then laughed.  
"I admire you for being able to handle her", Tuomas chuckled. "She's one hell of a stubborn woman."  
"And I admire you for still loving her after all those years", Marjatta said and Tuomas shrugged.  
"She has changed but she's still the Tarja I fell in love with, so ...", he said and Marjatta smiled gently.  
She felt deep sympathy for him, somehow. The situation he was in was killing him, she could see that ...

As Tarja came downstairs again, Tuomas was sitting next to Naomi on the floor.  
"Look, Tuomas!", the girl giggled and pointed at the television. "He's cute! Who is that?"  
"That's Moomin", Tuomas said giddily and then looked up to Tarja. "They're still airing it, I can't believe it!"  
"Me neither", Tarja said and put her hand on Tuomas' shoulder, smiling down at him.  
He was so cute ...  
As he started telling her daughter about the Moomin world, Tarja's heart almost melted. She got down on her knees and pulled Tuomas against her, pressing a gentle kiss on his lips.  
Tuomas immediately stopped talking and looked at Tarja.  
"I wish you would decide for me", Tarja whispered and embraced Tuomas. "But I won't stop loving you if you don't ..."  
"It's a steady up and down", Tuomas said carefully and Tarja nodded, pulling away.  
"Same here. I suggest we just wait for what will happen."  
Tuomas nodded as well and put a strand of Tarja's black hair behind her ear. Deeply in thoughts he trailed his finger along her ear and Tarja closed her eyes.  
'Those lips ...', Tuomas thought. 'I know I want her ...'  
"Mommy!"  
Tarja and Tuomas winced as Naomi pushed them away from each other. "What are you doing, Mommy?"  
"Tuomas and I will drive to the city, hun", Tarja quickly explained. "Your grandmother will play something with you."  
Naomi shoved her lower lip forward. "You almost kissed", she huffed. "I don't like that. I don't like that you kiss another man who isn't my Daddy. And I don't like that you kiss my Tuomas."  
Tarja shook her head while Tuomas laughed and lifted the kid up. This girl ...

"Namu is -", Tarja started as soon as they left the house.  
"She's amazing", Tuomas chuckled. "I love this girl."  
"I'm afraid she loves you too. Seems I have a rival", Tarja giggled and took Tuomas' hand again. 'Another rival ...'  
They walked to the railway station with entwined hands and without an exchange of words. Whenever someone approached them, they let go of each other's hands, not willing to reveal their feelings in the open. Not yet ...

"Oh how I missed Helsinki", Tarja said sarcastically. "Last time I was here, some fan touched my belly."  
"Oh, if I had been there ...", Tuomas growled. "Did he hurt you?"  
"No but it was very uncomfortable", Tarja answered and took Tuomas' hand again.  
"Not here, Tari", he whispered though and pulled his hand away.  
"Right", Tarja mumbled, hating the fact that she could only touch him when they were alone.  
'Please make him choose me, please, God, I'm begging you ... I still feel for him ... I can't live without him ...'  
"Hungry?", Tuomas said after a while of walking and Tarja nodded.  
"Always", she answered and Tuomas grinned.  
"At least that hasn't changed in all those years", he chuckled. "Glutton."  
"Skunk", Tarja shot back and Tuomas laughed.  
"Proboscis monkey!"  
"Hey!", Tarja shouted. "Baboon!"  
"Do you want to tell me that I have a red ass?", Tuomas asked with a cocked eyebrow and after checking that no one could hear her, Tarja whispered,  
"Let's get home quickly and find out ..."  
Tuomas laughed and pulled her further.

They left OLO with full tummies, still calling each other names. "That reminds me of old times, you know?", Tuomas said. "Elephant."  
"Eh, you know that in 'old times' as you say, we called each other much worse things", Tarja said. "I won't repeat any of those words. Gorilla."  
"Okay, let's stop that. I can't think of a single animal anymore. I've called you everything that exists."  
Tarja smiled sadly and looked at the ground as they walked. What a great feeling to have fun with him like that ... She hadn't been able to touch him, whether on the way to OLO nor inside the restaurant, too much fans had seen them. Too much pictures had been gotten taken.  
And now she wished nothing more than being unknown, so she could hold his hand. She wanted to feel his lips on hers, later his naked skin against hers ...  
"What's up?", Tuomas asked gently. He was leading her somehow, he was only walking forward and Tarja followed him. She would follow him to the end of the world if she had to.  
"You know what's up", Tarja mumbled.  
"Marcelo?", Tuomas asked. "Naomi? Tuomas junior? Johanna? Marjatta? Me?"  
"Yes. All of that", Tarja sighed. "And now add 'Tarja' and my problems are completed."  
"Who is Tarja?", Tuomas asked confused and Tarja rolled her eyes.  
"Wait, you are a problem for yourself?" Tuomas' mind was turning. "I don't get it."  
"Then I won't explain to you, that'd be too much of an exhaust for me", Tarja said in a snippy tune and walked faster.  
"Hey - wait!", the left behind Tuomas called after her. "Snake."

Outsider who saw them, thought they had been fighting. They were walking side by side, avoiding each others looks. They weren't talking nor smiling, and while Tuomas looked quite sad, Tarja looked very stubborn.  
"Tuomas! Tarja! I didn't know you're talking to each other again!", a fan in about their age said surprised as she passed them.  
"Well, we can't hate each other forever, right?", Tarja said with a smile.  
The woman introduced herself as Kerstin and after giving their autographs to her and taking pictures with her, the woman let them leave without another word and without being annoying.  
"Every fan should be like that", Tarja muttered and Tuomas smiled.  
"But concerning to that little conversation I doubt that everyone could ever forget about you", he said softly and Tarja smiled up to him thankfully.  
'He can be really dumb and a pain in the ass sometimes', Tarja thought. 'But he knows me too well. He always knows how to make me feel good. No wonder I still love him ...' 

"Ah, Mrs Cabuli", Dr Kettonen said and shook Tarja's hand. "And - Mr Cabuli ...?"  
"No", Tuomas answered. "Tuomas Turunen, Tarja's boyfriend and father of the baby."  
Tarja pressed her lips together, suppressing a laugh. Tuomas Turunen ...  
Of course she knew why he had said that, after all Dr Kettonen knew Johanna Holopainen, so if he would have introduced himself as Tuomas Holopainen and Tarja's boyfriend and father of the baby, Dr Kettonen would have been quite shocked and confused.  
Also now she looked confused but didn't comment on Tarja's two-timing.  
"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you", she said and smiled at Tuomas. "Please come in, Mrs Cabuli and Mr Turunen."  
Tuomas and Tarja shared a short look and started giggling.  
Dr Kettonen smiled, she could remember her last visit too well, she had cried because her husband had left her. Now she was glad that at least the father of her baby was supporting her ...

"It's getting cold", the doctor warned and Tarja nodded.  
Tuomas was sitting next to her, his eyes wide open.  
He watched as the doctor put the ultrasound gel on Tarja's swollen belly and searched for a good picture.  
"There", she said. "There is your son ..."  
"There he is", Tuomas said and suddenly wasn't able to hold back his tears. Drop after drop dripped down as he watched his son, watched the steady breaths and beating of his little heart.  
"He's asleep", the doctor commented. "And he's smiling ... See?"  
"Yes", Tuomas whispered.  
His throat was closed, he wasn't able to say another word.  
"He's dreaming a wonderful dream", the doctor went on. "He looks happy and healthy."  
Tuomas nodded and wiped the tears off of his cheeks.  
Tarja watched the scene in awe, the doctor explaining things to Tuomas, while the tall man was crying like a baby. Only because he was able to see his son ...  
Tarja grabbed his hand and squeezed it. They shared a short glance and suddenly Tarja could feel tears in her eyes as well.  
"See his nose?", Dr Kettonen suddenly said and Tarja and Tuomas looked back at the monitor. "Now that I see you, it's obvious. It's your nose, Mr Turunen."  
"It is!", Tarja said surprised, feeling a little pang in her chest. Tuomas felt the same pang, escorted by love for this tiny thing inside Tarja.  
But fact was, he would have to tell Johanna. That baby would look like him ...  
"Can I know the date of birth?", Tarja asked to change the subject and Dr Kettonen looked at her in surprise.  
"You don't know it yet? Oh, then it's about time!" She stood up and gave a wipe to Tuomas. "Can I give that to you, Daddy?", she asked. "Just wipe her clean, but be careful."  
Tuomas nodded and took the wipe, while the doctor switched off the monitor and walked over to her desk. "You'll get pictures of your little one."  
"Thank you", Tarja said and looked at Tuomas. "Wimp", she said gently and Tuomas leaned forward, locking their lips in a deep kiss.  
As Dr Kettonen turned around after a few minutes, she caught the couple in an intimate moment of sharing short but loving kisses and glances. Carefully she cleared her throat and walked over to them.  
"Sorry", Tuomas said and gave the wipe to the doctor.  
"Why?", Dr Kettonen said with a smile. "Love is wonderful!" She handed the black haired woman an envelope. "The pictures. And the date of birth will be around November fifteenth."  
"Alright, thank you", Tarja said. "Something else?"  
"Yes, I want to see you again on September fifth, until then you can take some new medication, since you're already in an advanced state of your pregnancy. I'll prescribe them to you."  
She turned around again and Tarja sat up, giving the envelope to Tuomas. "For you", she whispered, knowing that he'd have to tell Johanna sooner or later. Maybe the pictures would help, maybe she would find the resemblance to Tuomas in them ...


	15. Chapter 15

'Monday, July 25th

Dear diary.  
Everything changed last weekend and I have no idea if I should be happy or not.  
Okay ... I'll start from the beginning.'

***

Saturday, July 23rd

Pregnancy week 24

 

Tarja hadn't heard a single word from Tuomas nor Johanna since the day she had given the pictures to Tuomas.  
She didn't think about it much, though, somehow she was sure that he would tell Johanna sooner or later. Johanna had seen the pictures already, a week after the visit at the doctor she had texted her what a beautiful baby she was going to have and how much success she wished them.  
She hadn't sounded unfriendly or pissed - not at all -, had she really not noticed or was she keeping something inside?  
But this Saturday evening, everything changed.  
Tarja was helping her mother in the kitchen, as her mobile phone rang. With a little scream she told her mother that it was Tuomas who was calling her and quickly left the kitchen to prevent the nosy woman from eavesdropping.  
"Tuo?", she asked with a beating heart and closed her eyes. Finally she could hear his voice again.  
"Tari", he almost whispered back and Tarja sat down. He sounded worried ...  
"What's up? Did something happen?"  
"Well, no. Yes ... No, nothing happened ..."  
"Tuomas, spit it out. Does Johanna know?" Tarja clenched her phone.  
"Not yet", Tuomas said with a shaking voice. "That's why I called. Could you ... could you come over?"  
"To tell her?", Tarja whispered. "You really want to do that?"  
"I have to", Tuomas sighed. "She deserves to know. She's my wife ..."  
"I'm on my way", Tarja said.  
"Good. See you", Tuomas said quietly and ended the call.  
He leaned back and closed his eyes. This was harder than he had thought, but it was necessary.  
He couldn't go on like this ...  
Then he opened his eyes again and started preparing everything he needed for this night.  
Meanwhile Tarja kissed her mother and daughter goodbye, telling them she wasn't sure when she'd come back.  
Marjatta, who had brought her to the railway station, threw her usual scolding look at her daughter, but Tarja didn't care. Soon Johanna would know and if she left Tuomas, Tarja would be right there for him.  
Under different circumstances she'd be ashamed to think like that, but the pregnancy hormones made her think of things in a way she had never thought about, like stealing Tuomas from Johanna.  
'I'm not stealing him, he has said that for himself', Tarja thought and turned the volume louder, letting Shudder Before The Beautiful hammer into her ears. 'He's coming on his own ...'

Tarja was shaking as she stood in front of their door.  
She put her hands on her swollen belly as she could feel baby Tuomas kick. He felt her nervousness as well, but kicking her didn't really help Tarja.  
"Stop kicking, baby, soon Johanna will know that you're Tuomas' son and then we'll be there for your daddy ...", Tarja whispered and rubbed her bump gently.  
She rang the doorbell and giggled as she heard Tuomas' footsteps approach the door quickly and as they went quiet as he waited, probably tried to calm down, until he opened the door.  
Her appearance took his breath away.  
Her eyelids were silver and her lashes were thick and black. Her lips had a lovely shade of red, her cheekbones were sharper than ever, even though she had gained some weight because of the pregnancy.  
And her whole expression told him only one thing:  
'Let's get it over with.'  
"Tarja", Tuomas whispered and took a step forward to take her hand. "You look gorgeous."  
Tarja smiled lightly, her eyes trailing down. "Your arm is okay again, I see."  
Tuomas nodded and Tarja looked back into his face.  
"We'll do it, right? We'll tell her?"  
"Yes, Tarja, soon", Tuomas said and pulled her in carefully. "She's not here."  
"Where is she?", Tarja asked and closed her eyes and Tuomas pulled her coat off of her.  
"She's in Sweden ..."  
"What is she doing in Sweden?", Tarja asked lowly and shivered as his fingers touched her neck. This was hell of a déjà vu feeling.  
"She's recording a new song and her agent had to bring her to Stockholm to record this song. She'll be gone until tomorrow night."  
Tarja's mouth went open slowly. "And you called me so you're not alone?", she asked a little unfriendly and pushed his hand away from her, which was caressing her neck gently. "That's not okay, Tuo."  
"No, wait!", Tuomas called, but Tarja had already stepped into the living room.  
And she gasped.  
There were two lines of lightened candlelights that were building a lane to the bedroom, and that was everything that was lighting the room.  
"Tarja ..."  
Tarja could hear her name come from Tuomas in a whisper, and the man behind her took her hand.  
"Is this - for me?", Tarja asked almost inaudible and Tuomas embraced her gently, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.  
"For you, only for you", he whispered. "Come with me, my Love." And he led her along the lane of lights, led her towards the bedroom door. Tarja was holding her breath in wild expectation what was waiting for her inside the bedroom.  
And what was waiting for her, was too wonderful to be real.  
Tarja felt as if she was dreaming as Tuomas opened the door and revealed more candlelights, this time though there were saying something.  
"I love you, Tarja", Tarja quietly read the shining words built by the candles and she put her hand in front of her mouth.  
"I really do", Tuomas said gently, his voice thick with pain. And as he lit the lights of the bedroom, Tarja started sobbing.  
"I - Tuomas, I ...", she sobbed, not able to believe what he had written on the bed with rose petals.  
'Do you want to marry me?'  
No one of them said a word for a few minutes, minutes in which Tarja was sobbing madly.  
Then Tuomas finally wrapped his arms around the crying woman. "I will divorce Johanna. I only want you, you are my life, Tarja. Since always and forever. I can't imagine another single day without you and I'm not saying this because you're carrying my child. I want to marry you because you are my world, for twenty years and more you are my world already. Tarja Soile Susanna Turunen ..."  
"Turunen ... Holopainen", Tarja sobbed and threw herself into Tuomas arms.  
Her tears were staining his shirt wet as she dried her face in it. "Yes ... I want to marry you, my Love ..."  
Tuomas couldn't believe it at first.  
"You -?"  
Tarja put his face between her hands, still shaken by sobs. "I ... I want to marry you, Tuomas. I want to marry you since I've discovered that you were engaged. I will divorce Marcelo and I will marry you. I - I love you so much."  
"I wish I could lift you up and twirl you around", Tuomas said with a shaking voice, but instead of lifting her, his mouth crashed down on hers.  
And then they didn't care about their promises again, their promises not to do all of this again.  
Tuomas' gentle hands peeled her blouse off of her, his fingers trailing along her skin, he looked for the clasp of her bra. It fell to the floor and Tuomas pulled away.  
"Tuo -?", Tarja whispered, but Tuomas said nothing, he took her hand and led her to the bed carefully. She laid down with a beating heart, while Tuomas went back to to the door and switched off the lights, leaving the room only lightened by the candles, which was more than enough though. Tuomas crawled onto the bed, kissing her belly several times, one time, two times, three times, then he planted some kisses on her breasts, slowly trailing up. "They're so beautiful", he mumbled and let the tip of his fingers trail over her boobs and hardened nipples, feeling the goosebumps erupt on her skin. His lips found her nipple soon and he gently licked over it.  
"Don't suck ...", Tarja quietly pleaded and Tuomas looked at her.  
"Why not?"  
Tarja blushed. "I'm already ... producing milk ... I think it will hurt a little", she whispered.  
Tuomas smiled, but respected her wish.  
His lips continued trailing over her skin, he carefully nipped her flesh, leaving a few love bites on her pale, porcelain like skin. He kissed her baby bump again, whispering his love for the baby and its mother against the tense skin.  
He trailed his kisses lower while his shaking fingers opened her pants and pulled them down, together with her panties.  
"Please, wolf ...", Tarja whispered as Tuomas made his way up her inner thighs with his lips, gently caressing her stretch marks. He loved those stretch marks because he knew that he was the causer of them.  
"What is it, Siren?", Tuomas asked against her lower region, his mind turning of the smell of her erection and that her juices were dripping out of her and on his bed because of him.  
"I've never been as erected as I am right now", Tarja admitted, not able to remind herself of the last times they had, she couldn't think straight of anything at the moment. "Please, Tuomas ..." She parted her legs widely and Tuomas almost died in expectation of drinking from her. He did slowly and carefully, without a sign of hurry or roughness, he let her feel his tongue at every part he could reach, the tip of his tongue played with her clit carefully, until she came.  
He noticed as her breathing got faster and louder, and as she clenched the blanket beneath her and let out a scream, Tuomas drank from her, trying to prevent staining the blanket.  
She came as he had never seen someone cum. She breathed and screamed for more than a minute, her eyes were completely rolled up, her whole body was twitching as the little spasms shot trough her, washing away every worry and fear she had. She breathed his name, followed by some swear words but also words of love declarations, her hands seeked for him, but only found his hair. She pulled him up to her and locked their lips, he could still feel her orgasm as their tongues melted together in a dance of love and trust. Tarja could feel her limbs getting tense and relaxed again and again, not believing that a single orgasm could last so long. It must have been the feeling of happiness and lust, together with the pregnancy all in once.  
His kiss tasted like her juices and she brought her hand down to feel herself, not able to believe that one could get so wet.  
After a while her limbs loosened themselves again and Tarja felt as if she was falling down from the sky.  
"Mhh ...", she mumbled against Tuomas' lips and Tuomas pulled away.  
"Hm?"  
"How ... How is that possible? I've never came like that."  
Tuomas grinned dirty. "Oh that was because of me ..."  
Tarja giggled and brought her wet hand up again. "Oh ..."  
"Let me", Tuomas said gently and took her hand, licking away the warm wetness. After he was done with that, Tarja put her hands on his shoulders and got on her knees. She gently pushed him back and placed herself on his thighs, opening his jeans. "Doesn't that hurt?", she asked as she revealed his erected manhood, obviously it had pressed against the thick fabric of his jeans.  
"A little but now he's free", Tuomas chuckled and moaned as Tarja placed the first kiss on the naked skin of his most sensible spot.

"Tuomas?", Johanna called carefully, surprised that the door wasn't locked. She stripped off her shoes and as she did so, her eyes fell on the sand coloured coat.  
Johanna smiled. "Hello? Tarja? Tuomas? The studio in Stockholm had no idea I was coming. I have to fly again in a week."  
No one answered and Johanna shrugged. Maybe they had gone for a walk. Or ...  
A noise made her look up and her heart stood still for a second.  
It was a soft moan.  
Johanna swallowed, her instinct telling her not to shout for them again.  
She stepped into the living room, her heart beating madly as she spotted the lane of candlelights.  
"No", she whispered and got closer to the open door.  
She didn't see much, but she saw enough.  
She saw the shining 'I love you, Tarja' on the floor and she saw two entwined persons on the bed.  
On their bed ...  
One of them was obviously pregnant and it wasn't hard to figure who the other one was.  
"I'm dreaming", Johanna mumbled and rubbed her eyes. 'I must be dreaming ... This isn't happening ...'  
"Tuomas ...", Tarja moaned. "I am - I am close ... A - again ..."  
"I'll be right behind you, my Love", Tuomas moaned back and Johanna turned around, walking to the door. But halfway on her way to the door she broke together.  
She robbed to the couch and pulled herself up, burying her face in the pillows.  
But still she could hear their screams, the screams as their joint bodies came together.  
"I am dreaming", Johanna mumbled again and closed her eyes.


	16. Chapter 16

July, 24th

Tarja opened her eyes and sighed happily.  
She couldn't believe it was really happening, she was together with Tuomas, finally and at last. And they would be forever together, now there was no going back anymore. He had proposed and she had said yes.  
Tarja put her hands on her belly and smiled, because the baby would have a father. His real father.  
A soft "Good morning, princess" made her turn around and as soon as she did, Tuomas' soft lips met hers. Tarja brought her hand on his face and cupped his cheek, while her lips slowly melted together with his.  
After some time they pulled apart and smiled at each other. They only smiled, until someone interrupted their intimate togetherness.  
"So", a fierce, female voice sounded from the doorframe and Tarja and Tuomas looked to the door, getting the most awful shock in their whole lives.  
Johanna was staring at them, her lips pressed together, a mix between anger, mistrust and disappointment reflecting on her face.  
"Jo ...", Tuomas whispered and Johanna lifted up her eyebrow.  
"I'm feeling safe enough to figure that you're the baby's real father?", she asked and it was almost impossible to hear the anger out of her voice.  
Tuomas looked at the bed and nodded. "I'm the father ..."  
"So", Johanna repeated, "that means Tarja didn't cheat on Marcelo with a stranger ... but with you?"  
Both Tarja and Tuomas nodded, none of them saying a word.  
"Okay. And since Marcelo seems to hate Tuomas, that was the real reason he wanted you to abort the baby, am I right?"  
"You are right", Tarja whispered and seeked for Tuomas' hand.  
As she found it, he took it and squeezed it.  
This didn't get unnoticed by Johanna, with pain in her eyes she watched the scene on the bed.  
"And -", she whispered. "You cheated on me before we were married and then you married me. How could you, Tuomas?"  
"I'm sorry, Johanna", Tuomas mumbled and Johanna snorted.  
"I can't believe it! Why didn't you just break up?!", she suddenly screamed. "I knew you still loved her, I knew it all along! But this - why didn't you break up?!"  
"Because Tarja left the morning after!", Tuomas shouted back and sat up. "She promised me everything, she promised to leave Marcelo for me, but she didn't!"  
Tarja hid her face in her hands. They were fighting ... Tarja hadn't wanted to cause that. Well at least now she knew why Johanna had seemed to be a little unfriendly lately, she had known about Tuomas' feelings for her.  
"I can't believe it, Tuomas. Why didn't you tell me? We could have talked about it ..."  
"I didn't want to tell you that I had sex with Tarja the night before we married", Tuomas said coldly and Johanna pressed her hand on her heart.  
"Really, one night before we married?!", she screeched and suddenly she bursted into tears. "I can't believe it -", she sobbed. "How could you - asshole - I hate you - leave, take your whore and leave NOW!"  
Tarja couldn't believe that Johanna had called her a whore, but she also couldn't blame her.  
"Alright", Tuomas said and stood up. "Come with me, Love. We'll drive to Kitee."  
Tarja said nothing, with a shocked expression written all over her face, she watched Tuomas passing his crying wife without even looking at her, then Tarja stepped up to her.  
"Johanna ..."  
"Leave, Tarja", the redhead sobbed into her hands. "Please. I need some time to think ..."  
"But Johanna ... You have to know that I'm really sorry. Tuomas told me he had been in love with me and that was when I realised that my marriage wasn't the one I wished to be -"  
"That doesn't give you the right to take my man from me", Johanna whispered and looked at Tarja. "I know you can, after all you're Tarja Turunen ... But that was so unfair. I asked you so much about your relationship and you just kept lying. Why?"  
"I was afraid ... and I had no idea if he would maybe choose you. He could have chosen you over me ..."  
"Well", Johanna snorted. "Obviously he hasn't. Please just leave, Tarja, okay? I never want to see you again."  
Tarja's heart ached but she did Johanna that favour.

The drive to Kitee was quiet, different than Tarja had thought. Tuomas seemed to be sad about what had happened and Tarja couldn't blame him.  
His eyes were drawn to the street and though Tarja loved and trusted him, she was afraid they'd have an accident. Tuomas wasn't really paying attention, only with one half of his mind.  
They reached Kitee safely anyway, and as they left the car in front of the Turunen's house, Tarja went up to Tuomas and embraced him.  
"I'm so sorry for what has happened", she whispered and Tuomas kissed the top of her head.  
"It's not your fault, you know that. It's only mine", he said gently and wrapped his arms around her. "I should have told her right after our fist time."  
"You probably should have", Tarja said and looked at him. "But I would have gotten pregnant anyway."  
"Don't say that as if it was something bad", Tuomas said and touched the woman's belly. "I'm so happy about it. I would have never believed I'd ever get a baby from you."  
Tarja smiled sadly and took his hand. "We have to tell my mother", she said and grimaced. "She won't be amused."

Marjatta wasn't amused.  
"No!", she said loudly and shook her head. "No, no, no, no! I won't allow it!"  
"You won't be able to keep us from it", Tarja said gently and laid her head down on Tuomas' shoulder. "We will both divorce our partners and then marry before the baby comes."  
Marjatta shook her head. "Don't marry because of the baby", she begged. "There's nothing worse than doing this."  
"We don't marry because of that", Tuomas said. "We love each other, Marjatta. You know how much I love her."  
"I do and especially I know for how long you love her already. But I'm not sure if you really love him, Tarja."  
"How can you, mother?", Tarja asked. "I do love him!"  
"You tell yourself to love him because you're carrying his child! I know how it feels to be attached to the man who impregnated you. This love will be there a year and then it will be gone - Tarja. He's not your true love. You've found your true love already, why do you throw it away?"  
"You don't know what you're talking about", Tarja said and looked at Tuomas. "You know she isn't right ... I love you so much."  
Tuomas smiled at her, not getting Marjatta's words out of his head.  
'You tell yourself to love him because you're carrying his child! I know how it feels to be attached to the man who impregnated you. This love will be there a year and then it will be gone. He's not your true love.'  
What if she was right?  
Tuomas looked at the woman, the woman he loved for more than twenty years already, the woman who was carrying his baby.  
The woman whom he had proposed to.  
The woman who was his fiancée now, even though he was still married and even though she was still married as well.  
'Oh damn', Tuomas thought. 'I thought I've made it better ... But I've only made it worse.'  
"Let's go upstairs, Tuo?", Tarja suddenly asked and Tuomas nodded. The woman took his hand and pulled him up, melting in his embrace. Tuomas smiled and bent down to capture her lips.  
Tarja quietly moaned in pleasure, while Marjatta only sighed. She had never believed it would get that far.  
Engaged! Were they crazy?!  
She shook her head as she watched Tuomas' hands seeking for Tarja's baby bump and starting to caress it. She was sure that the baby was the only reason they were together now.

Tuomas stayed with the little Turunen family for about two months.  
Every now and then either Toni or Timo would visit, and both of them would be shocked about their little sister's news.  
Teuvo was even more shocked about the news than Marjatta had been, he started shouting at his daughter for being stupid and trowing away a wonderful marriage for a marriage that wouldn't work anyway.  
Tarja screamed back, because of course it would work. Tuomas loved her and she loved him, so why wouldn't it work?  
Tuomas knew that Teuvo was probably right, though.  
"Tarja", he said one night as they laid in bed.  
"Yes, Love?", Tarja mumbled and snuggled herself deeper into Tuomas' chest.  
"I can't stop thinking about our past ..."  
"The past where you impregnated me?", Tarja asked.  
"No ... Far more back", Tuomas mumbled and Tarja looked up to him.  
"As you threw me out of Nightwish?"  
"That and everything that happened before. We fought so often, Tarja, we never stopped fighting for a minute. Everything you did was wrong in my eyes and I scolded you, then you started screaming at me, we fought, and -"  
Tarja interrupted him harshly. "You know why you talk in the past?", she asked. "Because it is our past. We were children, herregud! We're adults now."  
"We may be adults now but we can still fight. Tarja, I don't know if I'm strong enough for another fight with you ... Last time it was so bad that we stopped talking to each other for a year ... And after that we ignored each other for ten years! See, I just don't want to lose you."  
"See that ring?", Tarja asked gently and showed her right hand to her man, letting the silver ring sparkle in the low light. "That's the proof for you'll never lose me again. I'm bound to you. Forever yours, Tuo."  
And as their lips met in a searing way, their conversation found an end for the beginning. Their bodies met in such an intimate way, no words were necessary anymore.  
Both knew that this was right.  
But yet it was so wrong ...

The days and weeks passed and while Tarja's belly got bigger and bigger and the woman herself got happier and happier, Tuomas got more and more insecure. Johanna had said she needed time to think, that was what her words had been. But what she hadn't known - and still didn't know - was, that Tuomas had proposed to Tarja and Tarja had said yes. Soon their marriage would be over anyway!  
Even if he was engaged to Tarja, his Love, Tuomas wasn't sure about all of this anymore. He felt bad because he had hurt Johanna, he felt bad because he had already proposed to Tarja, he felt bad that he had left his wife without another word.  
And then, after almost two months, Tuomas felt bad because he had only asked Tarja because ...  
Well, first of all he had asked her because she was carrying his child. Secondly, she was his first love. And third, he had loved her since ever and he was sure he would love her forever. She was the woman he loved deeply, but still there was one big problem.  
Marjatta had been right.  
She wasn't his one and only. She wasn't his soulmate.  
Of course he had known, but he had blinded himself, he had told himself she had changed and now she was the right one for him. Fact was, she hadn't changed a bit.  
She still was the woman that Marcelo had created, she wasn't that sweet and innocent yet kinky young girl anymore, that cute and chubby Tarja Turunen, whose biggest dream it had been to become a singer. This had been the girl for whom Tuomas had fallen for, but now she was the woman that Marcelo had formed out of young Tarja. She was strong and independent, she knew, said and always got what she wanted, she still could kill with only her eyes when she was angry, she could ignore him for a felt eternity, she could feel what he wanted and turn it in a way so in the end she was the one who was happy, she could manipulate him in a way he had never dared to think about her.  
All in all she still was the diva she had turned into so long ago, and Tuomas regretted everything he had done, from sleeping with her to asking her to marry him.


	17. Chapter 17

September 20th

The soft "Tarja" as she came home, made her blood freeze. Tuomas stepped close and pulled her in a gentle hug.  
"I'm so sorry ..."  
"What for?", Tarja asked in surprise and pulled away. "Did something happen to Namu or Mum?"  
Tuomas shook his head and lowered his eyes. He took her right hand into his warm ones and stared at the engagement ring. "I will ... I will go back to Johanna."  
Tarja's heart stood still for a moment and then started racing. She searched for signs of a lie in his face, but she didn't succeed. "Funny", she tried. "I almost believed it ..."  
Tuomas shook his head again and started pulling the ring off of Tarja's finger, but Tarja ripped her hand away. "Don't touch it! Or me!", she hissed and tumbled back.  
"Tarja ...", Tuomas said. His eyes and voice were full of pain, but Tarja didn't care.  
"I can't believe it", she mumbled. "We're engaged! We've already talked it through! We would both divorce our actual partners -"  
"I only stayed with you because of the baby", Tuomas interrupted her and Tarja shook her head again.  
She was shocked.  
"No ... This isn't happening ..."  
"Tarja, please. I feel so bad because I cheated on Johanna and then lied at her for such a long time. And then I left her ... I need to apologise. And if she'll accept me back, I'll be glad. Tari ..."  
"Don't touch me!", Tarja yelled and pushed Tuomas' hand away. "How could you do this to me ... I thought you loved me?!"  
"I do love you!", Tuomas said loudly. "You were my first love! But our relationship doesn't have a chance, Tarja. We're together for two months now and even though I love you more than anything, I already feel exhausted! It's hard to understand but I can't deal with your character anymore! You're the same diva now as back as I kicked you out of Nightwish! I still love the young Tarja, the one I fell in love with ... and that's not you. You are the creation of Marcelo."  
Tuomas had ended and Tarja only looked at him. "So", she said quietly. "This is the reason you kicked me out? The real reason ... My character?"  
"You already knew all the reasons", Tuomas mumbled. "I couldn't deal with the fact I've lost you and I couldn't deal with the woman who has changed the woman I loved into someone else. I was jealous, and even though I knew that our relationship would have been a distaster, I wanted you to be mine."  
Tarja's head was spinning. Her father had also said their relationship wouldn't work. They were like a flower and a cactus (Tuomas was the flower in this case), they were a horrible couple.  
"But ... Now I am yours", Tarja said desperately. "We are ..." She touched her belly, "we are yours. Please, Tuo ..."  
Tuomas shook his head again. "I only stayed with you because of our baby", he repeated and stepped closer. He cupped Tarja's face and locked their eyes. Her green ones were full of tears.  
"Remember our time", he mumbled. "When we were children. Tarja, we were horrible friends for each other."  
Tarja didn't stop shaking her head. "I don't understand", she mumbled. "You told me I was everything for you. Every night, Tuomas. And now you're dropping me like a hot potato ..."  
Tuomas finally managed to pull Tarja in a hug. "You really don't understand ... You are everything for me, but I can't forget the old times. You started dating him, not me. That had to be destiny, Tari. Please don't be angry ..."  
"I'm not angry", Tarja answered honestly. "I'm sad, somehow. I thought we'd start from anew, I thought we could bury all those fights we've had and just enjoy our growing love ..." She buried her face in Tuomas' shirt. "Don't leave me ..."  
"Johanna is my wife", Tuomas said and caressed the black haired woman's back. "And even though you were my first love, she is my true love. And - saying this hurts, but Marcelo is your true love."  
Tarja didn't answer. She couldn't cry, she had cried so much in the last months, she was out of tears.  
They hugged for a while, and as Tuomas wanted to pull himself out of the hug, Tarja tightened it and looked up to him.  
"Tuomas?", she whispered and the bearded man looked at her, his eyes filled with gentleness.  
"Yes?"  
"Make love to me", Tarja whispered. "And if you still want to go back to Johanna after it, you may. And I won't stop you."  
Tuomas caressed the woman's cheek.

Later he kissed her one last time. He kissed her forehead, not wanting to wake her up. Quietly he stole himself out of the bedroom and went downstairs.  
"You've done it", Marjatta stated as he came down. "You broke up."  
Tuomas opened his clenched fist and looked at Tarja's engagement ring. "I've done it", he whispered, his eyes empty.  
"What if Johanna doesn't take you back? You told me she hasn't even tried to call you once."  
Tuomas shrugged and looked at the elder woman. "Guess I'll be single then ... But I can't stay with Tarja. She's not ... the woman up there isn't the woman I loved. The woman I loved is long gone."  
Marjatta smiled sadly. "I know. And believe me, but Tarja will survive. Deep inside she knows you're right."  
Tuomas hugged the elder Finn shortly. "You've helped me so much over the last years", he said gently. "Thank you so much."  
Marjatta smiled again. "I'm glad I could help."

Tuomas had bought flowers.  
He knew it was lame but he had no idea what else to do.  
He didn't ring the doorbell immediately, he first went around the house to see if Johanna was at home (and then decide if he should ring). And she was, she was cooking something. And she was crying, he could see her body shaking.  
His heart broke and he quickly went away from the window to walk back to the front door.  
And then he rang the doorbell.  
She opened a while later and wanted to shut the door again as she saw him, but he quickly stepped inside.  
"Get out!", Johanna screeched, but Tuomas closed the gap between him and his wife and captured her lips.  
And Johanna tried to push him away, she slepped him, hit him, punched him, but he held her even closer.  
And as he let go of her, she slapped his cheek.  
"You asshole!", she screamed and punched Tuomas again. "Bastard! I hate you! Fuck you!!"  
She hit his chest with her fists and broke together, sobbing madly. The tears ran out of her eyes and dropped on the floor and on Tuomas' shoes.  
"How - how could you?", she asked.  
Tuomas ignored his aching chest, he knew what he had done to her was hurting her much worse. He sat down on the floor and hugged the redhead.  
"I've never made such a mistake before", he said. "I feel so sorry, Jo. But please forgive me."  
"I can't", Johanna sobbed. "I c - can forgive you that you cheated on me w - with Tarja ... But you lied at me for months! I - I will never forgive you."  
"I understand you", Tuomas said gently. "But I left Tarja. Forever. You're my loved one, Johanna. Tarja and I have nothing in common anymore. You're my one and only."  
"What made you realise?", Johanna asked and then added dryly, "No matter what, it's way too late. Leave me alone, Tuomas. You can get your divorce if you want to."  
"I don't want to divorce you", Tuomas said. Now he was crying as well. "I love you so much, Johanna. I've hurt you and that made me go back. I couldn't think of something else, the pain that I caused to you was killing me as well. I made such a bad mistake ... Believe me, I don't love Tarja. I don't love this Tarja." He put his hands on Johanna's wet cheeks. "I love this Johanna. From the bottom of my heart. And I hate myself for lying at her. I was a coward, so I didn't tell her. But I promise her, I promise her with my life ... I will never cheat on her again."  
"Just tell me, if you do", Johanna mumbled. "You're a rock star, I guess it's unpreventable ..."  
"Oh, it is preventable", Tuomas snorted. "I only cheated on you with Tarja. But please don't hate her for this. It's my fault ..."  
Johanna smiled up to him weakly. "I don't hate her, you know? A part of me is happy that it happened ... The shipper part inside of me."  
Tuomas rolled his eyes and then laughed. "You're crazy. I love you, Jo."  
Johanna smiled as well. "Once a shipper, always a shipper, Tuomas. But I'm glad you're back. And I will find a way to make you suffer for lying at me, you'll see ..."  
Tuomas sighed and hugged the redhead. "Torture me", he mumbled. "I deserve it."

Tarja hadn't been surprised as she had woken up and he was gone.  
She had sat up and looked at her hands, noticing that he had taken her ring.  
"Alright", she whispered. "Heart, tell me what to do ..."  
And her heart told her to call Marcelo.  
Tarja called him via Skype, intending to hang up again and let him call back, but to her surprise he immediately picked up.  
He looked horrible.  
Tired.  
Old ...  
"Marcelo", she whispered. "What happened to you?"  
"Tarja", he whispered back. "I ... I miss you so ..."  
Tarja covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh good god ... Did I do that to you??"  
Marcelo closed his eyes. "Tarja, believe me. I don't want to take Naomi away from you. Keep her, and keep the baby and get happy with Tuomas ..."  
"What?", Tarja asked. "No. Tuomas and I aren't together!"  
"You aren't?", Marcelo asked lowly and Tarja shook her head.  
"Not anymore. We were for two months but he left me." Tarja had always been honest with him, always.  
"Okay", Marcelo mumbled and Tarja smiled.  
"So ... You're still single?"  
Marcelo chuckled a little. "Why, of course. I could never have another woman after you."  
"Aw", Tarja said and smiled at him. "Then keep the bed empty, my Love, I will return after the baby is born."  
Marcelo didn't answer for a while, he started at her. "You'll ... You'll come back to me ...?"  
Tarja nodded. "Yes. If you're okay that the baby will return as well?"  
"So you and Tuomas junior will return to me", Marcelo said and nodded. "I'd like that, Tarja. I'll cancel the date of the court right away."  
Tarja smiled at him thankfully. "I love you", she said gently and Marcelo closed his eyes.  
"I missed this so much ..."  
"And ... I'm so sorry", Tarja said. "For sleeping with Tuomas. And forgetting to take the pill that night. And for not telling you immediately. But I'm so ashamed that I slept with Tuomas ..."  
"Let's forget that, okay?", Marcelo said softly. "I love you and I've forgiven you some while ago already. I can't wait until you're back ..."  
Tarja leaned back. "Good. Date of birth will be around November fifteenth."  
Marcelo closed his eyes again. "Great", he said with a smile. "Can't wait", he repeated again. "Love you."  
"And I love you, Marcelo. I will always." They smiled at each other and Tarja noticed how much she really meant those words.  
Tuomas had been right. Marcelo was her one and only, he had always been and he would be forever.  
They both hung up and Tarja leaned down, closing her eyes.  
Her hands caressed her swollen seven-month-belly. Finally she knew where to go. She'd go back to Marcelo, both with Namu and Tuomas junior -  
"Ouch!", she suddenly gasped and sat up quickly. "Aaaaargh!", she cried, clenching her aching bump. "Mama!!!!! Quick!!! Muuuum!"  
She breathed hardly as the baby kicked her harder than he had ever done before. "Mother!!!!", she screeched. "Mooooother!!!! Help! The baby -!!"


	18. Chapter 18

"It's too early!", Tarja screamed as her mother led her to the car. "It's way too early!! Two months too early!!"  
"Calm down, this won't help you now!", Marjatta shouted at her daughter. She pushed her into the car and snapped the door shut. From outside she could hear the poor woman scream in pain as another contraction hit her.  
Marjatta ran inside again and grabbed Naomi.  
"What is it?", Naomi asked and stopped playing with her dolls.  
"You're getting your brother, sweetheart", Marjatta said and Naomi ripped her eyes open.  
"Mommy - she's getting the baby?!"  
The girl jumped up and dressed herself as fast as possible, then she followed her grandmother outside and to the car, where Tarja was clenching her belly. "No - bring Namu to Toni", Tarja breathed and groaned.  
"I will after I've brought you to hospital first", Marjatta said calmy. "I'll bring you to the Kiteen hospital, though."  
"I don't fucking care", Tarja screamed. "Drive faster!!"  
Marjatta laughed and started the car as soon as Naomi had brought the belt on herself.  
"Does it hurt?", Naomi asked and turned around to have a look at her screaming mother.  
"Oh yes", Marjatta said. "But it's natural. Later she won't be reminded of the pain."  
"Hm", Naomi said and turned around again. "She looks as if she can't poop."  
Marjatta laughed, but stopped as Tarja screamed again.  
"Don't make fun of me, I'm dying here!!", she screeched.  
"I've went through that four times and I'm still alive", Marjatta said dryly and Tarja screeched again.  
"Four?!"  
"Did I make you think of something else now?", Marjatta chuckled and Tarja groaned.  
"I hope for you that was a joke."  
"I think it was", Naomi said. "There's you and uncle Timo and uncle Toni. Three."  
Marjatta smiled at her grandchild proudly. "Well done, Namu. And how many children does Tarja have?"  
"Hmmm", Naomi said. "Almost two."  
"Great", now Tarja breathed. "And how old are you, kiddo? Tell me how old you are."  
"Five", Naomi said without hesitation. "And you are thirty-nine and way too old to get a baby."  
"That child is glorious", Marjatta said after laughing out loudly.  
"Not funny", Tarja groaned. "You know that I didn't plan to get pregnant."  
Naomi turned around again. "You got pregnant without planning it? How?"  
"Anyway", Marjatta said loudly as Tarja groaned because of a contraction once again (no one wanted to answer the young girl, of course). "We should call Tuomas, shouldn't we?"  
"I - don't think we should", Tarja said through gritted teeth.  
Marjatta rolled her eyes. "He's the father, Tari", she said quietly.  
"Doesn't matter! He broke my heart once again ..."  
Marjatta sighed. "Namu, take my phone out of my bag and call Tuomas."  
"What?!", Tarja shouted. "No!"  
But Naomi had already grabbed her grandmother's handbag and was now looking for her mobile phone. After she had typed in the pin code that Marjatta had told her, she scrolled through her mothers contacts.  
"There are more men called Tuomas", Naomi said. "What's his last name?"  
"Holopainen", Marjatta told her grandchild and the kid bit her lip.  
"That's an H", she said. "Ho ... Is it the first Tuomas?"  
"Yes", Marjatta replied and Naomi clicked on the name and then pressed the green phone button (both were ignoring the scolding and moaning Tarja in the backseat, who was sitting there with parted legs, even though her mother had told her not to do so).

"Why does Marjatta call me?", Tuomas wondered as he looked at his phone. Johanna and him had just reunited, what could she want now? Was it Tarja ...?  
"You should pick up", Johanna told him and looked at him. "Maybe it's urgent."  
"I hope Tarja didn't hurt herself", Tuomas mumbled and Johanna didn't reply.  
Tuomas picked up. "Marjatta?"  
"Hey Tuo! It's Naomi!"  
Tuomas almost dropped his phone, first because Naomi was calling him, second because there was a woman screaming in the background. And this woman was Tarja, without a doubt.  
"Naomi?!", he asked shocked and Johanna's eyes went wide.  
"The baby's coming!", Naomi cheered. "Grandma said you better come to the Kiteen hospital but don't ask me why."  
"The ... The baby is coming?", Tuomas repeated and Johanna gasped.  
"Yes! She already has con- contusions", Naomi said.  
"Contractions", Tuomas whispered.  
"Yes, that she has. She's saying bad words all the time." Naomi giggled.  
Tuomas went pale. "She already has contractions ...", he whispered. "I'll be there, sweetheart", he then added and hung up.  
He looked at Johanna. He felt so bad right now.  
She had just taken him back and now he would leave again because of Tarja. He looked at his wife and opened his mouth to apologise, to tell her she now had the right to kick him out completely - but Johanna cut him off before he could even say something. And her words made him love her even more.  
"Let's go, then", she said softly. "I'll drive you."

They went inside the Kiteen hospital and spotted Marjatta immediately.  
"It's not here yet", she said after she had hugged both Tuomas and Johanna (Marjatta felt some awkwardness towards the redhead, but that was understandable, after all she was the wife of the father of her soon to be grandchild). "She still has contractions and her water hasn't broken yet."  
"Oh my god. It's real. The baby is coming", Tuomas mumbled, his whole body shaking. He wasn't able to say more. Johanna wrapped her arms around him.  
"Shall I stay here?", she asked gently and Tuomas looked at her in surprise.  
"Are you - are you sure?", he whispered and Johanna nodded.  
"You're the baby's father, Tuomas. I am nothing to that baby."  
"I love you, okay?", Tuomas said and kissed his wife's cheek. Johanna smiled and watched her husband hurry after Marjatta.

He heard her screams and swear words already before he entered the room. And as he did, he spotted Tarja lying on the bed in a white hospital coat, her legs wide apart. He could see Dr Kettonen by her side and a few other doctors and midwives around her.  
One of them looked at him as she had heard the door open. "Hey!", she shouted, but Tuomas held up his arms.  
"I'm the father", he announced and the woman gasped. She looked at Tarja.  
And back at Tuomas.  
Her eyes grew wide as her eyes darted between Tarja and Tuomas.  
'Paska', Tuomas thought. She knew them.  
But before she could say anything, Tarja had started to scream at him.  
"Tuomas!", she growled. "Come here now you stupid asshole, you fucking betrayer!! Come here and at least support me now!"  
Tuomas sat down next to her and took her hand. She looked so ... different.  
Her face was deep red and blurred in pain, her whole face was sweaty and her hair was sticky and stuck on her forehead and cheeks.  
He couldn't believe he had made love to her only a day ago.  
"I'm here", Tuomas tried to calm her and Tarja hissed.  
"Now you are! You -"  
She let out a few Spanish swear words and Tuomas closed his eyes. "Tarja, please ... Forgive me ..."  
"Forgive you again?", she screamed. "AGAIN?! THE FUCK I WILL!!"  
"Her water broke!", one of the midwives suddenly called and soon everyone was around Tarja's lower region (Tuomas tried to ignore the splashes he heard coming from there).  
"Tarja - don't be angry at me", he pleaded, but Tarja didn't reply. She was crying, the tears and the sweat dropped down and left her hospital coat soaking wet.   
"Don't push", one of the doctors said.  
"Why fucking not?!", Tarja screamed hysterically and Dr Kettonen went to her. "Your cervix isn't open widely enough yet", she explained and Tarja did her best not to push.  
"Doctor, why does the baby already come?", Tuomas asked and Dr Kettonen lifted up her shoulders.  
"A premature deliverance can be caused by many things. An accident, or also only because the baby feels that it's time. Or if the mother has a shock or a trauma ... If someone suddenly dies or leaves her, for example."  
Tuomas felt bad immediately, but then he shook his head. "But - won't he be way too early? Will he be able to survive?"  
Tarja hissed again and looked up to Tuomas. "Of course he will!", she huffed. "Please doctor, may I push??"  
The male doctor shook his head. "No, Mrs Turunen! Five centimetres are too small! It'll only hurt you."  
Tarja started crying. "I hate you, Tuomas!", she sobbed. "I ... I hate you so damn much ... You hurt me over and over from day one ... Go fuck yourself ... I hate you so, you've only hurt me since we've met each other ..."  
Dr Kettonen looked at Tuomas who looked very hurt, but she didn't comment it.  
"I know", Tuomas mumbled. "I do as well ..."  
For a while the only noises in the room came from Tarja as she sobbed and groaned and screamed in pain as contraction after contraction threatened to tear her insides apart, until Tuomas asked Dr Kettonen again.  
"So the baby will survive?"  
"Without a doubt. Premature infants are not rare, not at all. Lately they come even more often. Tarja is in the thirty-third week of pregnancy now, and a few years ago I helped with the birth of a baby whose mother was in her twenty-ninth week."  
"Okay", Tuomas just answered.  
"Six centimetres", the male doctor announced. "We'll wait until your cervix is opened eight centimetres and then we'll try pushing!"  
"I will try pushing!! You can't even imagine what I feel right now!", Tarja screeched and a few midwives giggled.  
Tuomas chuckled lightly and wiped off her sweaty forehead. "You're doing great, Tarja."  
"You better be quiet", Tarja huffed. "It's your fault I'm even here! And now get me a glass of water!!"  
Tuomas looked at Dr Kettonen, who nodded and Tuomas stood up and left the room. He walked a few steps as the door opened and closed again and the midwife who knew them was next to him a second after. "I'll come with you, in case you don't know where to go."  
"I know where to go", Tuomas said. "I've been raised in Kitee, I've been in that hospital for countless times already."  
The midwife pulled down her mask. "I lied", she said and Tuomas looked at her quickly. She was very young. "I just wanted to ask you ... Is it true? You're the father ...?"  
"Yes", Tuomas said softly. "Please don't tell anyone."  
The girl shook her head. "Oh my god", she mumbled. "You and Tarja Turunen ... I can't believe it! This is against all odds."  
"We're not together", Tuomas said and took a cup from the water dispenser, filling it with water.  
"I know, I know", the young woman said. "But wow ..."  
"Don't tell anyone", Tuomas said again.  
"I won't, I swear!", she promised.  
Tuomas and Liisa, as she had introduced herself, walked back and Liisa put on her mask again before she entered the room and sat down at the end of the bed again.  
Tuomas helped Tarja drinking and Tarja sucked greedily. "How far?", Tuomas asked.  
"Seven centimetres", the male doctor answered. "It looks good so far."  
Tuomas caressed Tarja's wet hair as she drank greedily.  
"You better get her a few bottles of water", Liisa shouted from behind Tarja's parted legs and Tuomas stood up to get her a bottle of water (or a few of said).

"Eight centimetres!", the male doctor called as Tuomas entered the room again. Within a second he was on Tarja's side again and took her hands.  
"Push!", the male doctor shouted and Tarja pushed. She screamed in pain, the tears running down her cheeks.  
"Push!", Dr Kettonen said gently and squeezed her other hand. "You're doing great, Tarja! You're strong! You're a fighter! Push harder!"  
The minutes flew and Tuomas felt as if nothing was working. The hours went by and there was only the top of the head visible yet.  
"This won't work", the male doctor groaned. "I've never seen such a stern premature infant. Liisa, get everything ready for a C-section."  
"What?!", Tarja screamed. "No! Please don't! I don't want a C-section!! Tuomas!! Help! Herrgud, help me!!"  
She looked at Tuomas helplessly, but the doctor had already stood up, a scalpel in his hands.  
"Don't worry, I know how to do this", the doctor tried to calm down, but Tarja had bursted into tears.  
"Don't!", she begged. "I - I want a natural birth! Please, Tuo ..."  
"Doctor", Tuomas said calmly. "I know I can't simply interfere with your work but I ask you nicely to respect the woman's wish. She wants a natural birth and no scar that reminds her of something she did long ago and she regrets everyday."  
The doctor looked at the sweating woman, understood that the baby hadn't been planned, and then gave the scalpel back to Liisa. "Push harder", he ordered and went back to Tarja's parted legs.  
"Thank you", Tarja whispered and Tuomas squeezed her hand. Tarja looked up to Tuomas. "I don't hate you", she whispered. "I'm sorry. You were my first love, I never hated you. And ... I made up my mind."  
"Concerning what?", Tuomas asked gently and waited until Tarja was done with another push.  
"The baby", she groaned. "It's yours, Tuo. Yours and Johanna's ... It's all yours ... I love him but you deserve him so much more ... I'll give him to you."  
Tuomas squeezed her hand again.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my ticket for the Tarja concert in October!! *-*  
> Next chapter will be the last one, guys ... So leave reviews! :o ♥

The birth lasted more than seven hours.  
Jan Tuomas Holopainen was born on September twentieth at 6.35 in the evening and was much tinier and lighter than Naomi had been as she had been a baby.  
Tarja held the little baby boy in her arms, looking at him with so much astounding in her eyes.  
She was exhausted and done, tired and her brain felt weak. She wanted to sleep, but the little creature in her arms needed all attention he could get.  
"May I?", Tuomas asked, his eyes wet. "Please, I want to hold him."  
"Wait", Tarja whispered. "I have to say goodbye ..."  
Tuomas said nothing.  
Somewhen during the birth he had gone out for a few minutes to tell Johanna the news (that the deliverance would still last a little and - of course - that Tarja would give the baby to them). Tuomas and Johanna had decided to call the boy Jan, and after the baby had been placed at Tarja's chest after seven hours and forty-three minutes, she had smiled at the crying thing and said,  
"Jan Tuomas. His name is Jan Tuomas Holopainen ..."  
Now she was caressing his little face, while the boy was slumbering.  
"He looks so much like you", a sudden voice next to Tuomas' ear said and Johanna's arms were wrapped around him. "Do you think Tarja will manage to give him to us? Look at her, she looks so calm and in love ..."  
"She will manage", Tuomas answered gently. "She only has to say goodbye ..."  
"Tuomas, look what we've created", Tarja suddenly said, her eyes full of tears as she looked up to him. "He is so perfect, it hurts. Look at him ..."  
"He's so tiny", Tuomas said and finally Tarja was willing to give the boy to his father. Now he even looked tinier than he was. "He doesn't look like me but he's perfect indeed", Tuomas then mumbled. "I think he looks like you, Tarja."  
"Not at all, look at his nose ..."  
The two went on fighting about whom little Jan looked more similar for a while. But Johanna had only eyes for the little miracle in her husband's arms and she smiled.  
In her eyes he was beyond perfect.  
In her eyes he looked like both Tarja and Tuomas and he was simply beautiful and cute.  
Tarja noticed that Johanna's eyes had gotten misty and smiled weakly. "Do you want to hold him, Johanna?"  
Johanna swallowed. She still hadn't gotten over the fact that this woman had slept with her husband. She still was a whore in her opinion (no matter how much she had shipped them) and, truth be told, Johanna didn't want to see her again.  
But Johanna was good at heart and so she smiled at Tarja shyly. "If I may?", she whispered and Tarja nodded.  
"You'll be his mother, Jo. I want you to meet him."  
Johanna looked at Tuomas, who was still smiling at the sleeping baby. "Here", he whispered and carefully gave his son to his wife. "Our baby ..."  
"Soon", Johanna said. "Until now he's your baby. Oh my god, he's so light ... He weighs nothing ..."  
Johanna carried him around for a while, until the boy opened his eyes and started crying.  
"His eyes are blue!", Johanna said in surprise as she gave the protesting Jan back to his (real) mother.  
"Let's see how it'll develop, after all every baby's eyes are blue in the beginning", Tarja said, before she pulled down her shirt. "Do you mind?"  
Tuomas shook his head and Johanna answered a little bitterly,  
"Why would we? I'm a woman and Tuomas has already seen you naked."  
Tarja blushed a little at her words, but what she had said was soon forgotten as everyone watched the little boy in silence as he got breast fed.  
As he was done, Tarja rocked him asleep in her arms again. "I'm quite glad he's already here", she announced. "I really missed touring around."  
"But you know that we can't immediately adopt him, right?", Johanna said. "He needs to be a little older, and besides that, I don't have breasts which could feed him."  
"I know, I know", Tarja answered a little uneasy. "How long?"  
Johanna shrugged. "About five months?"  
"So long", Tarja sighed, mentally kicking herself for not thinking of that. "Okay. I have to tell Marcelo."  
No one said a word, but after all it wasn't needed. Marjatta and Timo came inside, followed by Toni and Naomi and Johanna and Tuomas left the hospital room.  
Outside they embraced, telling each other about the love they carried for each other.

Meanwhile Marjatta had called Marcelo, who had been very relieved to hear the news. He had told his mother in law that he couldn't await the return of his daughter and wife (and stepson, after which Marjatta had told him that the real father and his wife would adopt the baby). Marcelo hadn't reacted too negative, of course.  
"I admit, I'm relieved", he confessed to Marjatta. "I would have tried to love this baby but still it would have reminded me of what Tarja has done every day."  
"I hope you intend to punish her", Marjatta chuckled. "She deserves it."  
Marcelo on the other line smiled. "Her fans have punished her enough. I don't know where they have the info from, but I will bury this story and never talk about it again."  
Marjatta grinned. "You're a wonderful husband."  
Marcelo sighed. "I don't know. I shouldn't have told her to abort the baby ..."  
"You know", Marjatta said, a serious expression on her face. "Your reaction is kind of understandable. It's not as if Tuomas and you were best friends, and after all you forgave her. And you didn't do anything else to her, like hurt her, divorce her, ..."  
"I only wanted to take Naomi from her", Marcelo mumbled and Marjatta sighed again.  
"But in the end you didn't. And look, now they'll both return to you."  
Marcelo nodded. "I'm so happy, Marjatta. Thank you so much for your support."  
Marjatta laughed. She hadn't told her daughter about the contact she was been holding with the younger Finn's husband, telling him about she was coping with the pregnancy, about everything he needed to know. And it would also stay a secret between the Argentinian and the Finn.  
"You're very welcome, Marcelo. Call your wife."  
"I will", Marcelo promised.

About eight days later, Tarja and Jan were allowed to leave when Jan was big enough to survive out there, since he had been and still was a premature baby.  
Naomi had already fallen in love with the baby, even though he cried way too much in her opinion.  
Tarja caressed the blonde hair of the now slumbering boy, while Naomi laid next to them and observed them, her eyes gently on the tiny human.  
"He's so cute", she whispered and Tarja nodded with a smile. Naomi touched the baby's soft cheek and whispered, "Daddy will love him."  
Tarja's heart was clenching as she looked at her daughter with an apologising look. "Namu, sweetie ... Jan won't come with us."  
Naomi squinted her eyes at her mother. "But ..."  
"He will stay with Johanna and Tuomas", Tarja replied gently and took her daughter's hand.  
"You got him for them?", Naomi asked. "I don't get it ... You'll give him away? Why would Daddy be okay with that?"  
"Because your Daddy is not his Daddy as well", Tarja whispered and Naomi's mouth went open.  
"What??"  
"I'm sorry", Tarja said softly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."  
"Why did you tell me now?", Naomi huffed and shoved her lower lip forward.  
"Because you need to understand why Jan will stay in Finland."  
"Why does he?", Naomi asked. "And why does he stay with Tuo and Jo?"  
"Because, my dear," Tarja started, "because Tuo is his real father."  
"Why is Tuo his real father?", Naomi asked and Tarja let out a depressed sigh.  
"That's complicated, sweetie ..."  
"It's not", Naomi commented. "You made a baby with Tuomas."  
"Namu!", Tarja said a little shocked. The girl was five!  
Naomi shrugged. "I don't know how it works but it means that Tuo is Jan's Daddy and you're his Mommy. And my Daddy is nothing for him."  
"Yes, kid", Tarja sighed and decided to change the topic. "Look at his lips ... Don't you think they're looking so much like Tuomas'?"  
Naomi shrugged. "I'll go and play a game with grandma", she mumbled and got up, leaving the room with her head hanging down.  
Tarja didn't notice she was silently crying ...

Tarja was caressing the boy's face, as her mother suddenly came in.  
"Hey", she said gently. "Tuomas and Johanna are here."  
"Yes, they want to take a walk with Jan", Tarja replied and carefully lifted up the boy, who immediately woke up. He didn't cry though, he only yawned heartily and cooed at his mother.  
"Good morning, baby", Tarja said gently and made herself busy with pulling her shirt down. "You'll take a walk with your future parents now, so your stomach better be full ... Don't want you to be annoying. Not that they decide not to keep you in the end."  
Marjatta shook her head lightly and sat down next to her breastfeeding daughter. "Naomi is sad," she said after a while.  
"Why?", Tarja asked shocked her mother almost glared at her.  
"Because you told her you'd leave Jan behind!"  
"She deserves the truth", Tarja mumbled and pulled the baby boy away from her breast, who started complaining immediately.  
Tarja grabbed the dummy and put it into Jan's mouth and the boy started sucking greedily.  
"Still. You told her that Tuomas is his real father and now she's down. She told me if her father was his father as well, you'd take him back to Buenos Aires."  
Tarja sighed quietly. "I'll talk to her."

A few minutes later, a pair of freshly turned parents was walking down the streets of Kitee, a buggy in front of them.  
The red haired woman was pushing it, while her dark haired husband was walking next to her, his arm around his wife.  
The baby inside the buggy was sleeping, every now and then the little boy was sighing deeply.  
He was happy.  
The married couple smiled at each other as they reached the shore, and before they sat down, the man lifted the small boy out of his buggy.  
"My love", he whispered, his voice filled with adoration for the little creature in his arms. "From mountains I want to scream my love for you ..." He kissed his son's little head.  
The woman took the baby's hand hand and sat up to kiss her husband's cheek softly. "I'm so happy, Tuomas."  
"So am I, Johanna", Tuomas answered and smiled down at the sleeping Jan Tuomas Holopainen.

"Namu?", Tarja said softly and sat down.  
She slung her arms around her daughter, who was obviously ignoring her.  
"Don't be angry ...", the singer pleaded and her daughter glared at her.  
"You should have told me", she said angrily and Tarja sighed.  
"I should have. But Naomi, Tuomas and I will see each other more often from now on because of the baby. I'm sure you will be able to see him as well."  
"It's not only that", Naomi said bitterly. "Why is Tuomas Jan's Daddy? Why isn't it my Daddy?"  
"That's a long story, honey", Tarja said. "And very, very complicated."  
"Shorten it", Naomi demanded and once again Tarja saw the similarity between herself and her daughter.  
"It just happened", Tarja said carefully and Naomi rolled her eyes.  
"I am very disappointed in you", the girl scolded in her grandmother's voice and Tarja had to laugh. And then Naomi giggled as well. "I sounded like Marjatta, didn't I?"  
"You did, I almost got scared", Tarja answered and kissed her daughter's forehead. "Don't be angry at me, okay?"  
"I'm not angry", Naomi said and hugged her mother.  
Their hugging got interrupted by Marjatta after a few seconds though, as she held a phone right into the face of her daughter.  
"Emil Laukkanen from Hyvää yötä, Suomi", she announced and Tarja nodded, taking the phone.  
"Tarja?"

Five minutes later she jumped around the house in joy, telling her mother and daughter that she'd finally give an interview again. Emil Laukkanen had told her he'd ask her a little about her upcoming plans, if she'd produce another album, and so on, but somehow Marjatta couldn't quite believe that. She knew Emil Laukkanen and she knew that he only invited someone for an interview when there was a bomb he wanted to get burst ...


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... Last chapter, guys. Thank you so much for your support! ❤❤❤  
> I love you  
> ❤  
> Hope you like it. Leave opinions!

Chapter 20

December 14th, 2016

"You don't have to do this", Tarja mumbled and the married couple exchanged a quick gaze.  
"Yes, we have to", Johanna then said and touched the black haired woman's shoulder. "It'll be your last interview here ..."  
Tarja nodded.  
"We're here with you. In case you need help", Tuomas explained with a chuckle and laid his arm around his wife.  
Tarja smiled at them, glad that she finally could be happy for them. Sure, there was a small feeling inside her that was still eating her soul with jealousy (Tuomas would stay her first love forever, after all), but Tarja had managed to suppress it by thinking of who was waiting for her.  
And boy, how she missed Marcelo.  
Jan had spent the last days with his real father and his future mother, and he really seemed to enjoy it.  
He seemed to be totally in love with the redhead, and the other way round.  
Tuomas could watch his wife and son interact for hours, they seemed as if they've been made for each other.  
"I love him", Johanna whispered every time she looked at Tuomas, and then she kissed the boy's soft head. "Heard me, Jannie? I love you ..."  
The adoption was already fully in action, and so far the little Holopainen family was doing great.  
There was only one little problem, one thing that Tarja hadn't told whether Tuomas nor Johanna.  
"You won't be allowed to see Jan anymore", the social worker had said after Tarja had signed the paper that said that she'd give her son away.  
"What?", she whispered. "That is impossible ... Tuomas and I are friends! He's the real father and I'm the real mother ..."  
"It's law", Miss Kykkaenen said with an apologetic look. "As long as the parents don't tell him when he's older, you will have to stay away from him."  
"That's impossible", Tarja repeated and shook her head. "See, I'm famous and so is Tuomas. Sooner or later all will be out, Jan will look like his father and the people will begin to wonder ... I have to see him."  
"He's not allowed to have contact to his real mother after she has given him away", Miss Kykkaenen said with much more empathise on her words and Tarja leaned back.  
"Fine", she muttered, already thinking of a solution. "And my daughter?"  
"Same goes for your daughter. She would have a better life anyway if she just could forget about the fact she has a little half-brother."  
Tarja squinted her eyes, imagining herself crashing down a big hammer on Miss Kykkaenen's head.  
She faked a smile and said sweetly,  
"Thank you very much, Miss Kykkaenen. Thank you very much for your help."  
Then she had rushed out quickly, throwing an icy glance on the chubby, elder woman to show her that she was not amused.  
She hadn't told anyone about this, besides her mother of course. But Marjatta hadn't been a big help anyway - after years of being divorced, Teuvo had done something utterly romantic to his ex-wife and now the two were living together again (and Tarja didn't want to know what exactly her father had done to make her mother take him back).  
But her parents were happy, so she was happy for them as well.  
So she just smiled at the couple and Johanna embraced her quickly. "If he asks you something uncomfortable you don't have to answer", she said and let go, locking their eyes. "No matter what, I'm not angry at you, okay? And I also didn't bribe you."  
And of course the press had gone crazy as it had been official that Tarja had given Jan to Tuomas and his wife.  
Johanna had bribed her, that was currently their favourite story. Johanna was infertile, and Tarja's pregnancy had been a perfect timing, so the solo singer had bribed the ex Nightwish singer to give the baby to her.  
Tarja was surprised that no one had had the idea that Tuomas could be the real father, yet.  
"I know you didn't bribe me", Tarja laughed and now Tuomas hugged her as well.  
"You'll do that, Siren", he said gently and Tarja sighed.  
This feeling just wouldn't go away ... This little feeling inside her that yelled at her.  
You still love him so damn much! You should have chosen him YEARS ago! Now it's too late! He doesn't want you anymore!  
This was what the feeling was screaming inside her, and Tarja tried hard to ignore it every day.  
Smiling the three walked inside the building, not aware of what would be waiting for them.

Emil Laukkanen was a middle aged, good looking man who had been in front of a camera since he had been a little child.  
"Tarja!", he said happily and kissed the singer on every cheek. "I'm so happy you made it!"  
"Of course. I haven't given interviews in a while, so I thought it would be time again."  
The crowd laughed weakly and Emil told Tarja to sit down.  
"How does it feel? Finally getting rid of a heavy baby bump?"  
As an answer, Tarja wiped imagined sweat off her forehead and Emil laughed.  
"I have to ask you something very private", he said and Tarja's heart sunk into her stomach.  
She had known it ...  
"Two fans have a proof that you got, well ... raped", Emil said carefully and Tarja gasped.  
"What?!"  
The whispers that went through the crowd just wouldn't stop, so Tarja didn't stop shaking her head. "I admit that this baby wasn't wanted, but I didn't get raped."  
The whispers got louder and Tarja noticed what she had said.  
The baby wasn't wanted ...  
"How the heck do they even think they have a proof?", Tarja asked loudly and Emil calmed the crowd down.  
"They sent a video", he said seriously and Tarja got white as a sheet.  
A video?  
Of what exactly?  
No one had raped her ...  
"It's only you talking", Emil said as he noticed Tarja's pale face. "May I play it on the canvas?"  
"If it's really only me talking?", Tarja whispered and watched Emil press play on his little remote control.  
And as the video started, Tarja was too relieved to do anything else than laughing.  
"Put - your hand - away", the canvas Tarja was hissing at a young man, who quickly put his hand away from her baby bump.  
"Wow, calm down", he said. "I didn't want to rape you."  
"Well, I do hope so for you or will never see daylight again", past-Tarja hissed and the present-Tarja had to press her hand in front of her mouth. What a fury she had been.  
"Geez, why would I want to rape you?", the man said and lifted up his hands.  
"Why wouldn't you?", past-Tarja asked sweetly. "But not with me, sweetheart. One unwanted baby is enough."  
There the video stopped and Tarja laughed out loudly.  
"Oh my God! That was a big misunderstanding! I didn't get raped, I have no idea how he could connect what I said in such a wrong way. No, I was very, very aware of what I was doing while ... while I did it." She lifted up her chin. "And yes, that's really private and I'd be thankful if we could talk about something else."  
Emil respected her wish and the next ten minutes they talked about Tarja's future plans.  
"I'd like to make a new album", Tarja informed. "And right now I'm thinking of a heavier one, one in a heavy/rock style maybe?"  
The crowd cheered and applauded and Tarja laughed. "And then I'd like to go on tour again. My German fans haven't seen me since my Christmas concerts last year and of course I still have to catch up on the concert in Tallinn, I cancelled last year. Ugh, so much to do."  
The crowd laughed again and Emil looked at his clock.  
"Where we would be almost in the end of the interview", he announced. "But I'd have one last question ... And it's about Jan Tuomas."  
Suddenly it was completely quiet in the whole room, everyone was listening.  
Tarja quickly looked to Tuomas and Johanna, who were sitting in the very last row.  
"Yes?", Tarja asked lowly and Emil looked at her directly.  
"Why did you give him away?"  
"If I had two kids, I would have been forced to retire", Tarja answered weakly, but it wasn't hard to tell that Emil didn't believe her.  
"There are many stars who have more than two or even three children, and they're still doing their thing."  
"Well", Tarja sighed. "Okay, I admit. I gave him away because of Marcelo ... You all know that my husband is not Jan's father, and even though Marcelo wouldn't have minded to raise him, I felt so bad. I gave him away because ..." Tarja looked at her knees. "Because I'm ashamed and I probably wouldn't be able to ever look into my husband's eyes again ..."  
"Okay, I understand", Emil said gently. "But Tarja ... Why Tuomas and Johanna Holopainen?"  
"Why not?", Tarja shot back and Emil winced.  
"Because everyone knows about you and your past with Nightwish and Tuomas. It just took everyone here by surprise I think, after all you seemed to stay enemies forever ..."  
"Tuomas and I", Tarja started. "Tuomas and I have been best friends since we've been young teenagers. And as every friendship it was over someday, but almost a year ago we found back to each other. We are no stupid five year olds, who are convinced to stay enemies forever, just because we fought a little. We're adults now and that's why we decided to make up our friendship."  
"That's wonderful to hear!" Emil said and the crowd applauded. "And what about Johanna?"  
"Johanna is a wonderful, wonderful woman", Tarja said smiling. "She's my friend and I'm sure she'll be a perfect mother for Jan. She's a beautiful singer and I'm looking forward to collaborate with her."  
Screams and cheering went through the crowd and Tarja laughed, looking up to Johanna and Tuomas, who were holding their thumbs up.  
"That's cute", Emil said. "Really heartwarming. But I still didn't get why you gave the baby to them of all people. I know I'm walking on dangerous territory but I have to ask. You said you've been 'very, very aware of what you've been doing while you did it'. Does that mean you know who the father is?"  
Again it was completely quiet and Tarja threw a quick look back, catching Tuomas nodding at her almost invisibly.  
"Well ... Yes, I do", Tarja said softly.  
It was so quiet, if someone would have dropped a pin, everyone would have heard it.  
"Then why did you give it to Tuomas and Johanna?", Emil asked further. "I'm just having a feeling that this wasn't a coincidence?"  
Tarja shook her head. "It wasn't", she whispered.  
Should she tell the world?  
What would happen, then? Would her life change? Would their lives change? She wasn't allowed to see Jan anymore, what if she said it out loud?   
"So", Emil tried again. "Why them?"  
Tarja looked up again and this time both were nodding at her.  
Both Tuomas and Johanna were nodding at her.  
"Because", Tarja said loudly and looked right into the camera. "Because Tuomas Holopainen is the baby's father."  
For the first seconds the silence remained, then everyone suddenly reacted differently.  
A few observers were screaming, a few were laughing, a few just stared at here in shock. Some brought their hands up to cover their mouths, and some whispered with each other. A few just shook their heads in disbelief, until Emil grabbed the microphone and ran up to the couple, the spotlight following him.  
As he had reached Tuomas and Johanna, he first shook their hands. "It's a pleasure, it's a pleasure to have you here", he said. "And wow, those news! Is that true?"  
He held the microphone down to them and both nodded.  
"I'm not proud of it, but it's true", Tuomas said and Emil looked at Johanna.  
"You knew about it?"  
"Of course I did!", Johanna hissed, to everyone's surprise. "And it's none of your business. This is very private and it's only Tarja's and Tuomas' business, so it'd be nice if you could end that interview. The two already have enough problems, even without you."  
"Johanna", Tuomas tried to calm his wife, but the furious redhead shook her head.  
"No! It's just not fair. Yes, you two made a mistake but through this mistake a wonderful human was created. I'm very happy to have him in my life, and I'm very thankful that this has happened. I know, I shouldn't be, but I have my reasons to be happy. Tarja and Tuomas shouldn't be despised for doing something they shouldn't have done. They're humans, and humans make mistakes. Everyone does, and I really have to say, Jan was no mistake. I'm very sorry to say this, but Tarja shouldn't have said the truth. It's only her business, hers and Tuomas'."  
"Your wife is amazing", Emil only answered, looking at Tuomas. "You can be proud of her."  
"Oh, I know", Tuomas answered and took Johanna's hand. "And I am. She is way too good for me."  
Tarja watched the scene with a swelling heart. What Johanna had said was warming her inside. How she had defended them and what they had done ...  
Johanna was a wonderful person and a perfect match for Tuomas.

 

Epilogue

February 1st, 2017

"Remember what happened exactly a year ago?"  
"Uh, don't remember me", Tarja huffed and Tuomas laughed.  
He had brought her to the airport and Tarja thanked God that it was raining, so both of them had to wear raincoats and an umbrella, which meant that probably no one had noticed that Tarja Turunen and Tuomas Holopainen were standing side by side, waiting for her flight to Argentina.  
"It'll be so strange to return", Tarja mumbled. "After all what happened ..."  
"Feel free to visit whenever you want to", Tuomas offered and closed the gap between his first love and himself, hugging her tightly.  
"Thank you", Tarja said as she returned the hug. "I will visit you soon, I promise."  
They pulled back and smiled at each other.  
Finally they had left everything that had happened behind them, after all those times of fighting, times of jealousy, times of ignoring each other (and times of not talking to each other for ten years) - finally they had been able to act adult and bury the old times.  
Of course the tabloids had been full of the youngest drama, the reunion of Tarja and Tuomas, and a few had also mentioned the scandal with their baby, but thanks to Johanna it hadn't been a title story. Only one magazine had said it out directly, Tarja remembered reading something like,  
'... After Tarja has given the boy free for adoption to no one else than his procreator Tuomas Holopainen ...'  
That had luckily been the worst thing. Of course her Twitter-, Facebook- and Instagram-news almost over swept her, drowning her in questions if Tuomas and her had ever been or would ever be a couple and so on.  
Tuomas held her close and now touched her cheek with his free hand, his other hand gripping the umbrella tighter.  
"I know it comes more than eleven years to late", he said gently, "but I will always love you ..."  
Tarja's cheeks went pink as she pulled Tuomas' face down to hers. "It doesn't matter how late it comes, as long as you mean it from the bottom of your heart", she said gently and Tuomas came closer.  
"I will always, I mean it, my angel. I still write my songs about you ..."  
And as their lips met for a last time, both closed their eyes, enjoying the sensation of their lips caressing each other's for the last time ever.  
They slowly parted after minutes, and Tarja glanced up to him. "I also will", she said and took his hand.  
Tuomas smiled. "Do you think ... Do you think you'd ever want to collaborate with us?"  
"What, with the band?", Tarja asked shocked and Tuomas nodded shyly, which made Tarja laugh out loud.  
"Nightwish featuring Tarja ... That's interesting but it sounds thrilling. Tell Tero to contact me."  
"I will", Tuomas chuckled and frowned as Tarja's flight got announced. "I'll miss you so much ..."  
"We can always talk", Tarja promised. "And tell me everything about Jan ..."  
Tuomas nodded again and Tarja pressed her lips on Tuomas' cheek.  
"This is no farewell, it's a goodbye", she said gently and Tuomas smiled.  
This was everything he needed - to be sure he'd see her again.  
He knew he couldn't live without her anymore.  
He watched her slim figure walk towards the gate and the warmth around his heart grew.  
He didn't regret anything he'd done, not anymore.  
Everything was right the way it was.

 

***End of Not An Angel***


End file.
